Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music
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The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Elf on the Shanelf

Jeff: Oh, goddammit.

Jason: What? What happened?

Jeff: Nothing, I guess. I just hate shoveling snow.

Jason: At least the snow you’re shoveling is white — here in Queens, it’s a very special shade of black.

Jeff: Mine used to be white. Dave Lifton’s mother came over a couple of days ago, and she always squats on her way back out to the car. I won’t let her use my bathroom. It’s disgusting, but at least it’s outside.

Jason: I’ve now met Dave Lifton’s mother, and I have to tell you: you are absolutely on-point.

Jeff: I used to get so excited for a good snowstorm when I was a kid. Now I see one on the forecast and I start thinking about all the work I’ll have to do.

Stupid winter. I wish I was in the Caribbean.

Jason: Oh man, that’d be nice, wouldn’t it?

Jeff: A nice ocean breeze…the sun on my face…the sand in my toes…a chalupa in my hand…

Jason: The first chalupa reference of Mellowmas 2013!.

Jeff: Well, now I’m cold and I want a chalupa. This day of Mellowmas can’t get much worse.

Jason: I find that very hard to believe. We haven’t listened to a song yet.

But it’s funny. You mention the Caribbean.

Jeff: I don’t see what’s so funny about that.

Jason: I think I might have the cure for your snowy Northeast blues.

Jeff: *narrows eyes*

Did you buy us two tickets to paradise, Jason? Will I pack my bags and leave tonight? OH SHIT, DID EDDIE MONEY RECORD A CHRISTMAS ALBUM?

Jason: One awful question at a time, my friend. I’ve bought you a ticket to visit a voice with heart! Una voz con corazon!

Jeff: Can I get a refund?

Jason: Shut up. We’re spending our holidays with Lee Shanel!

Jeff: Lee Shanel, eh? Sounds inoffensive and yet somehow also desperate.

Jason: You know Lee! The Bohemian Latin-Romantic balladeer?

Jeff: This website is seriously amazing. It looks like it was built in 1999, but he’s on Reverbnation!
And Twitter!

Jason: “‘Lee Shanel’s music is definitely in the ‘snuggle up close and cuddle’ category. Romantic doesn’t even begin to describe the sound,’ says Paul Moore of William Morris Endeavor Entertainment.”

Jeff: *eyes bug out*

Jason: C’mere, pal. I have something for you.

Jeff: You’re going to make me hate the Caribbean, aren’t you?

Jason: Oh, it’s nothing special. Just a little Christmas Island Prayer.

And a-one! And a-two! And a-one-two-three!

Lee Shanel, “Christmas Island Prayer”

Jason: Nice opening, no?

Oh wait. Never mind.

Jeff: Oh, man. Man oh man. I’ll say this for Lee Shanel: He can kind of carry a tune. I just wish he’d carry it further away from me.

Jason: I think he recorded this in the same chamber as Dorothy Finch.

Jeff: I also kind of like the way he’s taking the Michael McDonald approach to rhyming lyrics.

Jason: Holy shit, Jeff! DOROTHY FINCH IS HOLDING LEE SHANEL HOSTAGE!

Jeff: Lee Shanel, Christmas Bird! That’s a picture of Dorothy wearing Lee Shanel’s face!

Jason: Somebody needs to strangle the guy on the vibraphone. I vote for it to be you.

Jeff: This song feels SO MUCH LONGER THAN FOUR MINUTES LONG. I want to physically pull it along.

Jason: If you click on “Bulletin Board” on his website, it goes nowhere. So there’s that.

Jeff: How fitting.

Jason: Oh god, there’s one more verse.

Jeff: How can you tell? I feel like I’m trapped in a time loop, like Jake Gyllenhaal in Source Code. I keep dying every few seconds and then it starts over again.

Jason: I will bet you anything that the vibraphone player also mixed the record.

“No, your vocal is plenty high, Lee. Trust me. I play the vibraphone.”

Jeff: Well, I hated that. But I guess I should thank you.

Jason: You should always thank me. But why specifically this time?

Jeff: After seeing Lee Shanel strumming his shitty music on the beach and listening to “Christmas Island Prayer,” snow doesn’t seem so bad.

Jason: You see? I’m here to help. Now go let Dave’s mother in.