The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Elf on the Shanelf
Jeff: Oh, goddammit.
Jason: What? What happened?
Jeff: Nothing, I guess. I just hate shoveling snow.
Jason: At least the snow you’re shoveling is white — here in Queens, it’s a very special shade of black.
Jeff: Mine used to be white. Dave Lifton’s mother came over a couple of days ago, and she always squats on her way back out to the car. I won’t let her use my bathroom. It’s disgusting, but at least it’s outside.
Jason: I’ve now met Dave Lifton’s mother, and I have to tell you: you are absolutely on-point.
Jeff: I used to get so excited for a good snowstorm when I was a kid. Now I see one on the forecast and I start thinking about all the work I’ll have to do.
Stupid winter. I wish I was in the Caribbean.
Jason: Oh man, that’d be nice, wouldn’t it?
Jeff: A nice ocean breeze…the sun on my face…the sand in my toes…a chalupa in my hand…
Jason: The first chalupa reference of Mellowmas 2013!.
Jeff: Well, now I’m cold and I want a chalupa. This day of Mellowmas can’t get much worse.
Jason: I find that very hard to believe. We haven’t listened to a song yet.
But it’s funny. You mention the Caribbean.
Jeff: I don’t see what’s so funny about that.
Jason: I think I might have the cure for your snowy Northeast blues.
Jeff: *narrows eyes*
Did you buy us two tickets to paradise, Jason? Will I pack my bags and leave tonight? OH SHIT, DID EDDIE MONEY RECORD A CHRISTMAS ALBUM?
Jason: One awful question at a time, my friend. I’ve bought you a ticket to visit a voice with heart! Una voz con corazon!
Jeff: Can I get a refund?
Jason: Shut up. We’re spending our holidays with Lee Shanel!
Jeff: Lee Shanel, eh? Sounds inoffensive and yet somehow also desperate.
Jason: You know Lee! The Bohemian Latin-Romantic balladeer?
Jeff: This website is seriously amazing. It looks like it was built in 1999, but he’s on Reverbnation!
Jason: “‘Lee Shanel’s music is definitely in the ‘snuggle up close and cuddle’ category. Romantic doesn’t even begin to describe the sound,’ says Paul Moore of William Morris Endeavor Entertainment.”
Jeff: *eyes bug out*
Jason: C’mere, pal. I have something for you.
Jeff: You’re going to make me hate the Caribbean, aren’t you?
Jason: Oh, it’s nothing special. Just a little Christmas Island Prayer.
And a-one! And a-two! And a-one-two-three!
Jason: Nice opening, no?
Oh wait. Never mind.
Jeff: Oh, man. Man oh man. I’ll say this for Lee Shanel: He can kind of carry a tune. I just wish he’d carry it further away from me.
Jason: I think he recorded this in the same chamber as Dorothy Finch.
Jeff: I also kind of like the way he’s taking the Michael McDonald approach to rhyming lyrics.
Jason: Holy shit, Jeff! DOROTHY FINCH IS HOLDING LEE SHANEL HOSTAGE!
Jeff: Lee Shanel, Christmas Bird! That’s a picture of Dorothy wearing Lee Shanel’s face!
Jason: Somebody needs to strangle the guy on the vibraphone. I vote for it to be you.
Jeff: This song feels SO MUCH LONGER THAN FOUR MINUTES LONG. I want to physically pull it along.
Jason: If you click on “Bulletin Board” on his website, it goes nowhere. So there’s that.
Jeff: How fitting.
Jason: Oh god, there’s one more verse.
Jeff: How can you tell? I feel like I’m trapped in a time loop, like Jake Gyllenhaal in Source Code. I keep dying every few seconds and then it starts over again.
Jason: I will bet you anything that the vibraphone player also mixed the record.
“No, your vocal is plenty high, Lee. Trust me. I play the vibraphone.”
Jeff: Well, I hated that. But I guess I should thank you.
Jason: You should always thank me. But why specifically this time?
Jeff: After seeing Lee Shanel strumming his shitty music on the beach and listening to “Christmas Island Prayer,” snow doesn’t seem so bad.
Jason: You see? I’m here to help. Now go let Dave’s mother in.