Jeff: Oh, goddammit.

Jason: What? What happened?

Jeff: Nothing, I guess. I just hate shoveling snow.

Jason: At least the snow you’re shoveling is white — here in Queens, it’s a very special shade of black.

Jeff: Mine used to be white. Dave Lifton’s mother came over a couple of days ago, and she always squats on her way back out to the car. I won’t let her use my bathroom. It’s disgusting, but at least it’s outside.

Jason: I’ve now met Dave Lifton’s mother, and I have to tell you: you are absolutely on-point.

Jeff: I used to get so excited for a good snowstorm when I was a kid. Now I see one on the forecast and I start thinking about all the work I’ll have to do.

Stupid winter. I wish I was in the Caribbean.

Jason: Oh man, that’d be nice, wouldn’t it?

Jeff: A nice ocean breeze…the sun on my face…the sand in my toes…a chalupa in my hand…

Jason: The first chalupa reference of Mellowmas 2013!.

Jeff: Well, now I’m cold and I want a chalupa. This day of Mellowmas can’t get much worse.

Jason: I find that very hard to believe. We haven’t listened to a song yet.

But it’s funny. You mention the Caribbean.

Jeff: I don’t see what’s so funny about that.

Jason: I think I might have the cure for your snowy Northeast blues.

Jeff: *narrows eyes*

Did you buy us two tickets to paradise, Jason? Will I pack my bags and leave tonight? OH SHIT, DID EDDIE MONEY RECORD A CHRISTMAS ALBUM?

Jason: One awful question at a time, my friend. I’ve bought you a ticket to visit a voice with heart! Una voz con corazon!

Jeff: Can I get a refund?

Jason: Shut up. We’re spending our holidays with Lee Shanel!

Jeff: Lee Shanel, eh? Sounds inoffensive and yet somehow also desperate.

Jason: You know Lee! The Bohemian Latin-Romantic balladeer?

Jeff: This website is seriously amazing. It looks like it was built in 1999, but he’s on Reverbnation!
And Twitter!

Jason: “‘Lee Shanel’s music is definitely in the ‘snuggle up close and cuddle’ category. Romantic doesn’t even begin to describe the sound,’ says Paul Moore of William Morris Endeavor Entertainment.”

Jeff: *eyes bug out*

Jason: C’mere, pal. I have something for you.

Jeff: You’re going to make me hate the Caribbean, aren’t you?

Jason: Oh, it’s nothing special. Just a little Christmas Island Prayer.

And a-one! And a-two! And a-one-two-three!

Lee Shanel, “Christmas Island Prayer”

Jason: Nice opening, no?

Oh wait. Never mind.

Jeff: Oh, man. Man oh man. I’ll say this for Lee Shanel: He can kind of carry a tune. I just wish he’d carry it further away from me.

Jason: I think he recorded this in the same chamber as Dorothy Finch.

Jeff: I also kind of like the way he’s taking the Michael McDonald approach to rhyming lyrics.


Jeff: Lee Shanel, Christmas Bird! That’s a picture of Dorothy wearing Lee Shanel’s face!

Jason: Somebody needs to strangle the guy on the vibraphone. I vote for it to be you.

Jeff: This song feels SO MUCH LONGER THAN FOUR MINUTES LONG. I want to physically pull it along.

Jason: If you click on “Bulletin Board” on his website, it goes nowhere. So there’s that.

Jeff: How fitting.

Jason: Oh god, there’s one more verse.

Jeff: How can you tell? I feel like I’m trapped in a time loop, like Jake Gyllenhaal in Source Code. I keep dying every few seconds and then it starts over again.

Jason: I will bet you anything that the vibraphone player also mixed the record.

“No, your vocal is plenty high, Lee. Trust me. I play the vibraphone.”

Jeff: Well, I hated that. But I guess I should thank you.

Jason: You should always thank me. But why specifically this time?

Jeff: After seeing Lee Shanel strumming his shitty music on the beach and listening to “Christmas Island Prayer,” snow doesn’t seem so bad.

Jason: You see? I’m here to help. Now go let Dave’s mother in.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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