Ralf

The Seventh Day of Mellowmas: Ralf’d

Jason: Hey Jeff! Remember our buddy Fred Figglehorn?

Jeff: I’m leaving. You go to hell.

Jason: YOU COME BACK HERE.

Jeff: YOU DO NOT INVOKE THE NAME OF FRED FIGGLEHORN

Jason: Man, that was awful. Remember listening to him?

Jeff: Do I ever. Ugh.

Jason: It made me want to throw up. Which is appropriate, because today’s song is by somebody named Ralf.

Jeff: Wait, what? I’m sorry, did you say Ralf?

Jason: Ralf! Ralf Mackenbach!

Jeff: I’m crossing my fingers for a bootleg Muppet.

Jason: No such luck! He’s a Dutch singer.

Jeff: Shit!

Jason: Born in 1995, and you know what that means.

Jeff: SHIT!

Jason: ONE YEAR OLDER THAN ZENDAYA

Jeff: I cannot tell you how much I dislike listening to music made by people born in the ’90s.

Jason: Then I think maybe today is not your day.

Jeff: I think I had the right idea when I said “I’m leaving.”

Jason: But don’t you want to see THE VIDEO.

Jeff: NO THANK YOU.

Jason: You’re cute. Acting like you have a say in the matter.

Jeff: Wait, this is no ordinary video — it’s an “officiële videoclip.” That sounds high-quality. Umlauts denote class.

Jason: Officiële videoclip? Hair like old-school Bieber? What could go wrong?

Jeff: This little fucker could be a HeartBeat Boy.

Jason: I could have been one too, remember?

Jeff: So many missed opportunities.

Jason: He definitely doesn’t know English.

Jeff: At least he isn’t blind like whoever dressed him.

Jason: He also doesn’t know how to dance.

Jeff: Where IS this?

Jason: I like the part with the women singing in front of him at a point where there aren’t any backing vocals.

Jeff: Is this the moose lodge where Kenny and Dolly taped that one video?

Wait, is Ralf a midget?

Jason: OH MY GOD I WISH THAT WERE TRUE

Jeff: There’s something weird about the way he looks when they show his whole body. Also about the way he says “clock.”

Jason: Yeah, and who told him argyle was a good idea?

Jeff: He almost punched the black kid!

Jason: Whoa, what is happening at the end of this clip?

Jeff: JASON WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW

Jason: I don’t know, but it was the best part of the song!

Jeff: Why are half of the suggestions after it ends for Ratt videos?

Jason: Why are you questioning anything anymore?

Jeff: I honestly don’t know. I give up.

Ralf. Ralf is a thing. Ralf and argyle and a hat.

Jason: I want a whole album from him. A Very Merry Ralfmas. Ralfin’ Around the Christmas Tree.

Jeff: I’m just glad that was the officiële video, rather than a böotleg.

Jason: Ralfnuts Roasting On an Open Fire.

Jeff: YES.

Jason: The Christmas Ralf.

Jeff: Or better yet, A Homeless Ralf Christmas.

Jason: I can do this all day! Rudolph the Red-Nosed Ralfdeer.

Jeff: I think the lesson here is that we need to avoid holiday music from the cold European countries. Who was that Norwegian country singer we suffered through last year?

Jason: That wasn’t Pierre Perpall. Who was it? Michael Damian? It was Michael Damian.

Jeff: Arne Benoni!

Jason: Oh, Jeff. Arne Benoni was two years ago.

Jeff: I’m looking at his picture and wishing he had an argyle sweater vest and a hat.

Jason: You straight up Ralf’d right through 2012.

Jeff: I wish I could Ralf back to 2004!

Jason: Back when Ralf was only 9!

I hate you, Zendaya.




  • Dennis Corrigan

    I like the part where one of the singers in front looks like she’s checking her watch like “how much longer does this go on?”

  • http://www.grayflannelsuit.net/ Chris Holmes

    One time, back in 1995, a Dutch magician said, “watch me pull a douchebag out of my hat!” And that’s the story of how Ralf was born.

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    I think they translated the song from English to Dutch and then back to English. That’s the only explanation for “Now de jingle hop pants begun.”

    Any chance we could hear Rowlf the dog doing this instead?

  • Ian Lozada

    Halfway through the song, my youngest daughter ran up to me with a CD, saying, “Put this on, it’ll be better than this.” It was “The 12 Dogs of Christmas”.

  • Jay

    I’ll brook no further thoughts that there’s less pain happening here, even from myself. Glory Be, that was shideous.

  • rockymtranger

    I’m always sad about the crap adults think kids want to see and hear on TV, but at least they gave us the true meaning of Mellowmas. The mis-synced dancers/backup singers were amazing.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    I hate Ralf. He broke Liesl’s heart, the Nazi scum.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    Jeff and Jason are truly keeping “mas” in “Mellowmas” this year.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    To heck with them and their millennial ilk. They gave up Bieber so they get what they deserve.

  • Old_Davy

    Did he just sing “Danzig and prancing all over the square”?

  • Brett Alan

    Somehow I think this might have been popular in the mid-70s, when Leif Garrett could pass for a teen idol pop star and the Brady Bunch could host a variety show.

    I wouldn’t have liked it then, either, but at least I would have liked looking at the girls since I was the right age then. B^)