Jason: Hey Jeff! Remember our buddy Fred Figglehorn?

Jeff: I’m leaving. You go to hell.

Jason: YOU COME BACK HERE.

Jeff: YOU DO NOT INVOKE THE NAME OF FRED FIGGLEHORN

Jason: Man, that was awful. Remember listening to him?

Jeff: Do I ever. Ugh.

Jason: It made me want to throw up. Which is appropriate, because today’s song is by somebody named Ralf.

Jeff: Wait, what? I’m sorry, did you say Ralf?

Jason: Ralf! Ralf Mackenbach!

Jeff: I’m crossing my fingers for a bootleg Muppet.

Jason: No such luck! He’s a Dutch singer.

Jeff: Shit!

Jason: Born in 1995, and you know what that means.

Jeff: SHIT!

Jason: ONE YEAR OLDER THAN ZENDAYA

Jeff: I cannot tell you how much I dislike listening to music made by people born in the ’90s.

Jason: Then I think maybe today is not your day.

Jeff: I think I had the right idea when I said “I’m leaving.”

Jason: But don’t you want to see THE VIDEO.

Jeff: NO THANK YOU.

Jason: You’re cute. Acting like you have a say in the matter.

Jeff: Wait, this is no ordinary video — it’s an “officiële videoclip.” That sounds high-quality. Umlauts denote class.

Jason: Officiële videoclip? Hair like old-school Bieber? What could go wrong?

Jeff: This little fucker could be a HeartBeat Boy.

Jason: I could have been one too, remember?

Jeff: So many missed opportunities.

Jason: He definitely doesn’t know English.

Jeff: At least he isn’t blind like whoever dressed him.

Jason: He also doesn’t know how to dance.

Jeff: Where IS this?

Jason: I like the part with the women singing in front of him at a point where there aren’t any backing vocals.

Jeff: Is this the moose lodge where Kenny and Dolly taped that one video?

Wait, is Ralf a midget?

Jason: OH MY GOD I WISH THAT WERE TRUE

Jeff: There’s something weird about the way he looks when they show his whole body. Also about the way he says “clock.”

Jason: Yeah, and who told him argyle was a good idea?

Jeff: He almost punched the black kid!

Jason: Whoa, what is happening at the end of this clip?

Jeff: JASON WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW

Jason: I don’t know, but it was the best part of the song!

Jeff: Why are half of the suggestions after it ends for Ratt videos?

Jason: Why are you questioning anything anymore?

Jeff: I honestly don’t know. I give up.

Ralf. Ralf is a thing. Ralf and argyle and a hat.

Jason: I want a whole album from him. A Very Merry Ralfmas. Ralfin’ Around the Christmas Tree.

Jeff: I’m just glad that was the officiële video, rather than a böotleg.

Jason: Ralfnuts Roasting On an Open Fire.

Jeff: YES.

Jason: The Christmas Ralf.

Jeff: Or better yet, A Homeless Ralf Christmas.

Jason: I can do this all day! Rudolph the Red-Nosed Ralfdeer.

Jeff: I think the lesson here is that we need to avoid holiday music from the cold European countries. Who was that Norwegian country singer we suffered through last year?

Jason: That wasn’t Pierre Perpall. Who was it? Michael Damian? It was Michael Damian.

Jeff: Arne Benoni!

Jason: Oh, Jeff. Arne Benoni was two years ago.

Jeff: I’m looking at his picture and wishing he had an argyle sweater vest and a hat.

Jason: You straight up Ralf’d right through 2012.

Jeff: I wish I could Ralf back to 2004!

Jason: Back when Ralf was only 9!

I hate you, Zendaya.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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