The Seventh Day of Mellowmas: The Singing Turtleneck

Written by Mellowmas, Music

After six years, Jeff and Jason finally listen to an Anne Murray Christmas song

Jason: Hey Jeff, you know what’s odd?

Jeff: The fact that we both keep showing up for this every year?

Jason: Well, that’s more sick than odd, but I guess that’s a good answer. I was going to say that it’s odd that we’ve done this for how many years now, and we’ve never covered a song by Anne Murray.

Jeff: Well, Anne Murray is gross, and also Canadian. They don’t celebrate Christmas in Canada, do they? I didn’t think they could afford it.

Jason: Anne Murray is gross?

Jeff: Anne Murray gives me the heebie-jeebies, man.

Jason: I had no idea! I think I’ve only really mentioned her during a couple CHART ATTACK! posts.

Jeff: You know that M. Night Shyamalan movie Devil, about people trapped in an elevator with Satan? I think Anne Murray should have had that role.

Jason: Wow. I didn’t know you felt this way.

Jeff: I carry a cyanide pill in my pocket just in case I’m ever trapped in an elevator with Anne Murray.

Jason: I grew up with Anne Murray’s music. Mind you, I remember almost none of it, but still.

Jeff: She combines the hitmaking prowess of a young Fogelberg with the sex appeal of Bea Arthur.

If a turtleneck could sing, it would sound like Anne Murray.

Jason: applause

Jeff: Well, I don’t know why you’re even bringing up Anne Murray. It isn’t like she’s ever recorded a Christm…oh, no.

Jason: Seriously? What did you think? That Anne Murray WOULDN’T record a Christmas album?

Jeff: Goddammit! Look at that album cover! It’s Away in a Pantsuit: A Very Murray Christmas.

Jason: Guess what, asshole? She’s recorded SEVEN of them.

Jeff: NO. Seven? SEVEN?

That’s as many as Manilow and Kenny G put together, isn’t it? She makes Amy Grant look like a slacker!

Jason: Christmas Wishes, Anne Murray Christmas, The Season Will Never Grow Old, Best of the Season, My Christmas Favorites, What a Wonderful Christmas, Anne Murray’s Christmas Album, and Another Fucking Christmas With Anne Murray.

Jeff: Fingers crossed that we’re covering that last one!

Jason: She could easily record seven more. Anne Murray’s Christmas Favorites Played Backwards.

Jeff: Why won’t she just die?

Jason: Anne Murray Rap’n ‘Bout Christmas.

Jeff: UNNNGGH!

Jason: Kwanzaa With Anne.

Jeff: Anne Murray’s Hanukkah Klezmer Favorites.

Jason: And, of course, The Anne Murray and Charo Christmas Spectacular.

Jeff: NO! No. I’m not playing this game with you. There are millions of retarded, QVC-watching housewives with their credit cards out, just waiting to buy all of those albums. Anne Murray is a disease. And today, it spreads to Mellowmas.

Jason: No joke, I do actually own a Christmas medley featuring Barenaked Ladies and Anne Murray.

Jeff: I don’t even know what to say to that. Every word in that sentence should not be.

Jason: Right before it starts, Steven Page goes “Okay, everybody, dibs singing with Anne Murray! Called it!” except nobody was fighting for that role.

Jeff: Cocaine is a helluva drug, Jason.

Jason: Wow. How do we pick just one Anne Murray Christmas song? And where do we get it from?

Are these all original albums? Or is she pulling some Michael McDonald bullshit here, do you think? One of them is a Hallmark album, I know that.

Jeff: There’s nothing anyone could ever do to make me find out.

Jason:Anne Murray’s Christmas Album is the seventh Christmas album by Canadian country-pop artist Anne Murray. The album was released on October 7, 2008 through Manhattan Records and features ten previously released Christmas song and five new recordings.” Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Way to sort of try, Anne!

Jason: Check out the cover of her first Christmas album!

That collar!

Jeff: Original title: Nope, Still Not Julie Andrews

Jason: Man, Anne Murray really likes those collars.

Oh, and that one is TWO DISCS!

Jeff: Original title: Like the Fur? I Killed It Myself

Well, look, as much as I loathe Anne Murray’s music, I vote we give her a fighting chance here. Let’s choose something slow and relaxing, right in Anne’s wheelhouse.

Jason: Oh, This Old Thing? I Call It ‘Dasher.’ Okay, you pick!

Jeff: Let’s see…how about “Away in a Manger”? She did it with the London Symphony Orchestra, and maybe they drowned her out.

Jason: Sounds good! I mean, not “good,” but…you know what I mean.

Anne Murray — Away in a Manger (Feat. London Symphony Orchestra) (download)

From Anne Murray’s 367th Christmas Album

 

Jason: Izzat you, Foster Claus?

Jeff: Uggghhhh. Who keeps bouncing Anne Murray up and down?

Jason: Sorry about that whole “not drowning her out” thing.

Jeff: Seriously, was this recorded on a bumpy road?

Jason: I think the LSO is out in the back looking for ammunition.

Jeff: It’s like someone took an old Stevie Nicks vocal track and slowed it down.

Jason: I have a number of relatives who would LOVE this album.

Jeff: And yeah, now that you mention it, where the hell is the orchestra?

Jason: It would fit in really well with the Jim Nabors album.

Jeff: And a dish of macadamia nuts.

Jason: You know how much I would give to hear Anne Murray sing the word “bitches”? How awesome would that be?

Jeff: That would totally rule. Anne Murray’s Gangsta Rap Classics: Featuring the London Symphony Orchestra, Not That You Can Tell

Jason: Ahh, there’s the orchestra.

Jeff: How tasteful.

Jason: “Featuring the Phone-It-In Talents of the London Symphony Orchestra.”

Jeff: Well, that was terrible.

Jason: I liked the flute.

Jeff: I bet you did, pervert.

Jason: I’m a sucker for a good flute.

Jeff: rim shot

Jason: I just realized what I wrote there.

I don’t know if I’d classify it as terrible. It just did absolutely nothing at all. It was musical oatmeal.

Jeff: That was shitty, and it was doubly shitty because it wasn’t even all melodramatic and stuff, the way I remember Anne Murray’s music.

Jason: I’m not suggesting we do this, but I am 100% certain we could find a melodramatic Anne Murray Mellowmas song.

Jeff: Oh God, she does a duet with Buble on this album.

Jason: Isn’t that a requirement if you’re a popular Canadian artist? Hence BNL?

Jeff: It’s the most asexual version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” ever recorded.

Jason: Now I want to hear an Anne Murray/Rush Christmas song.

Jeff: Wow. Imagine Anne Murray and Geddy Lee harmonizing?

Jason: The vibrato. Oh, the vibrato. Now just think about Michael Buble trying to convince Anne Murray not to leave the house.

“I really can’t stay!” “Baby, that’s fine with me.”

“I’ve got to go ‘way” / “Go find us a Christmas tree.”

Jeff: Yes! Yes! Why hasn’t someone done this already?

Jason: I know!

Jeff: Although it would probably be the other way around. I imagine that in real life, Anne Murray growls and chomps a lot of cigars.

Jason: I think that’s the image I want to go with.

Jeff: She secretly has a tattoo for each Christmas album.

Jason: Even the Chanukah one? That keeps her out of Jewish cemeteries, you know.

Jeff: I’m pretty sure what really keeps Anne Murray out of Jewish cemeteries is the Old Testament curse that turned her into the vengeful wraith that’s been lurking the Earth for the last few centuries, but you might have a point.

Jason: concerned silence

Jeff: To reiterate: Anne Murray is gross, she sucks, and she gives me the heebie-jeebies. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a cyanide pill to swallow.

Jason: Well, it would at least get you out of the rest of Mellowmas…care to go halvsies on it?