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The Sixteenth Day of Mellowmas: Bluezmas Bop

Jeff: Another day of Mellowmas? Really? How many of these have we done already? It feels like 50.

Jason: You sound like my wife. I haven’t been keeping count, but I believe that we have done 72 this season so far.

Jeff: No wonder I’m already drunk.

Jason: I think we should let our readers in on a little secret.

Jeff: I’m not wearing any pants.

Jason: And no, not that you’re drunk. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows you’re not wearing pants, too.

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: The secret is that, for the past few years, Mellowmas chatting has started right around Halloween.

Jeff: And yet we still end up doing this right on through December.

Jason: We do have 25 tracks to discuss, after all, and that doesn’t even include the ones that don’t get published because they were actually not bad. Like Genie Francis and Wang Chung and…oops, we published those.

Jeff: It’s true, Mellowmas is a lot of work. I wonder if these a-holes appreciate the way we suffer for our art. You know who definitely doesn’t appreciate it? DAVE LIFTON.

Jason: Dave Lifton doesn’t appreciate anything. You know that. Except seeing his name in print, so he’s as happy as a pig in shit right now.

Jeff: Yes, that’s true. But in this particular case, he was motivated to try and punish us.

Jason: By making us do the podcast?

Jeff: That was bad enough. But no, you know what I mean.

Jason: I do.

Jeff: I don’t want to type the words, but they contain an ironic letter Z.

Jason: Hmm. Bruce Zpringzteen?

Jeff: Close!

Jason: You know, The Bozz? Who?

Jeff: Right, that dude from New Jerzey. No, I’m talking about the muzical sensation that we all love to hate. deep breath KIDZ BOP.

Jason: Kidz Bop? How is that close to Bruce Springsteen? Oh, right, I hate them both.

Jeff: rimshot And Dave Lifton knows who both of them are, because he suggested we cover A Kidz Bop Christmas this year.

Jason: Yes, Kidz Bop. And what I was going to say, before you rudely interrupted me to talk about Dave Lifton, was that it was especially appropriate that we started Mellowmas chats on Halloween, because that was the last time I listened to a Kidz Bop album.

Jeff: I seem to remember something about that.

Jason: You “seem” to remember?

Jeff: You enjoyed it, as I recall.

Jason: You asshole. You recall so incorrectly, you have no idea.

Jeff: Focus, Jason. Dave Lifton iz the enemy here.

Jason: For those of you who don’t follow Popdose on Twitter, this past Halloween, Jeff sent me the Kidz Bop Halloween Party album, and I created a small, Twitter-only holiday called “Melloween.”

Jeff: More fun than your grandmother’s birthday party!

Jason: I chose to do it by myself and only on Twitter, otherwise I knew ol’ fuckface Giles was going to come up with “The 25 Days of Melloween” and give me a heart attack.

Jeff: You know, that’s a great idea…

Jason: JEFF DON’T

Jeff: I confess, I’ve never listened to a Kidz Bop record. Today will be my first.

Jason: I’ll tell you honestly: after you get through the first few tracks, you just become numb.

Jeff: Hmm. Kidz Bop sounds like bourbon.

Jason: I’m sure that’s exactly what the producers say, too.

Jeff: “What? A Kidz Bop Easter, Volume 2? Fine, fuck it. Why not?” glug

Jason: So I remember doing the live-tweeting of the Halloween album, and then opening up our Mellowmas schedule and seeing the Christmas album on the list.

Jeff: RECOMMENDED BY THAT FUCKER DAVE LIFTON

Jason: That’s exactly what you had written on the schedule!

Jeff: I strive for consistency.

Jason: So what do you say? You wanna do the whole album right now?

Jeff: Wait, what?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I wish I could see the look on your face!

Jeff: I might be drunk, but I’m not THAT drunk. I will suffer through one song with you.

Jason: Sure, okay. One song. Let’s see…”Silver Bells”? No, that’s lame.

Jeff: I don’t even know which songs were on the album I sent you. Or which Kidz Bop Christmas album it was, to be honest. There are at least three.

Jason: “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”? No, that’s to be expected.

Jeff: Just so nobody missed that, THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE KIDZ BOP CHRISTMAS ALBUMS.

Jason: Do you really think that surprises anybody? This is apparently a popular franchise.

Jeff: That damn Chipmunks song isn’t on there, is it?

Jason: No, actually, it’s not. You got lucky. They do “The 12 Days of Christmas,” but after Figglehorn, that just seems cruel.

Jeff: I seem to be dodging bullets left and right here!

Jason: Ooooh! I got it! This is probably one of the worst choices ever for Kidz Bop. If only they covered Mr. Garrison’s “Merry Fucking Christmas.”

Jeff: You’re scaring me.

Jason: On the bright side, all the Kidz Bop tunes are short, so you only have to suffer through a couple of minutes. Take a shot and buck up, pal.

Jeff: Stop keeping me in suspense, damn you.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: I’m sitting down.

Jason: Go! Wait a minute. I think I accidentally pressed play on the Brady Christmas album.

Kidz Bop – Blue Christmas

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: Listen to the awfulness! DRINK IT IN!

Jeff: Even under the best of circumstances, this is one of my least favorite Christmas songs.

Jason: Listen to that chorus of voices! All those kids, echoing, like, one kid who can sing.

Jeff: Oh God, this is terrible.
(start calling)
SHUT UP KIDS

Jason: “Hey, baby. Yeah, I played the guitar solo on Kidz Bop’s ‘Blue Christmas.’ Hey, where are you going?”

Jeff: Yeah, exactly! I was just wondering who played tambourine on this piece of shit. I’m sure it was programmed, but I want to believe it was really some lonely session hack.

Jason: The guitar sounds a little out of tune, so it might actually be Lifton.

Jeff: This is spectacularly bad.

Jason: They let some girl take a solo on the pre-chorus!

Jeff: And it cuts off during the synth bells at the end! Holy shit, does that carry over until the next track? Is A Kidz Bop Christmas a concept album?

Jason: The Halloween record was the same way — instead of bells, it was ghoulish-y noises.

Jeff: NEVER MIND, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.

Jason: I don’t believe there’s any silence between any of the tracks. You know, just like a true party record!

Jeff: Right, “a true party.” You can draw a straight line between this and the Beach Boys party records. And then you can hang yourself with it.

Jason: Wouldn’t it have been awesome if each Christmas track was separated with the ghost and goblin noises?

Jeff: Just as with the Fred Figglehorn track, I can’t help honestly wondering why this shit is so popular.

Jason: Well, you have kids. You tell me.

Jeff: But I can’t. There’s a lot of really great kids’ music out there. I mean, maybe 25 years ago I could understand crap like this taking off. But not today. Even the Barenaked Ladies made a children’s album!

Jason: Okay, but you’re thinking of parents who, like, KNOW music. What about parents who don’t know music but know they’re supposed to give their kids something to entertain themselves? Something musical?

Jeff: Even if you’re the type of adult who only buys one album a year, and that one album is Rod Stewart singing the Great American Songbook, I have to think Kidz Bop is too painful to bear.

Jason: Of course it’s painful. You don’t think they LIKE it, do you? They don’t! They’re just doing it because they think it’ll shut up their kids! I’ll tell you this: if this album could shut up Dave Lifton, I’d play it all year.

Jeff: I’m laughing so hard right now I can barely type enough to do an Amazon search for a Kidz Bop box set to send Dave Lifton.

Jason: JEFF DO