The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Halfordmas

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Rob Halford’s Christmas album has flown in on sad wings of vengeance, and you might need some painkiller after you ram it down.

After you’ve spent a day listening to Auto-Tuned dance club crap, there’s only one place to go: METAL.

Halford — Come All Ye Faithful (download)

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From Halford III: Winter Songs null

Jeff: Drumroll!

Jason: Drumroll! Like before an execution.

Jeff: Oh. Wow.

Jason: …and here’s the execution.

Jeff: He does sound like he’s dying. Wow.

Jason: Who asked for this album? Who told Rob Halford he needed to make this album?

Jeff: Someone who hates him? And Christmas?

Jason: Remind me to play this one for Grandma. She’ll LOVE it.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I wish I could be there for that. This is kind of a train wreck.

Jason: It’s not that I think his voice is that bad. It’s just assaulting my ears.

Jeff: I think his voice sounds kind of…off. But maybe it’s just the overall experience of this “song.”

Jason: Listen to that vibrato.

Jeff: He just repeated the word “Christ,” which is what I’ve been doing since this started.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait. It’s over? It was so short.

Jeff: You aren’t complaining, are you?

Jason: I can’t believe I’m saying that in a way that sounds like complaining.

Jeff: The first song, “Get Into the Spirit,” is 5:26. And it’s “the first single.” Single. Stop it, Halford. Is there a radio format anywhere on the planet for this? Even among Sirius XM’s eleventy bajillion stations? Awful Holiday Music No One Asked For, 24 hours a day!

Jason: I haven’t heard it. And I hate to say this, but I’d be willing to listen to it.

Jeff: Oh, I’d TOTALLY listen to it.

Jason: I imagine it’s an original song.

Jeff: Wait, you mean the song. I meant the radio station.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes, I meant the song. It’s 5:26, which means it’s torturous. And it’s an original, which means we can’t even go on nostalgia for the traditional version.

Jeff: Okay, let’s do it.

Halford — Get Into the Spirit (download)

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From Halford III: Winter Songs null

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! YES! METAL! Jeff, I kind of love this so far. Those guitars are awesome. All seven of ’em. Listen to that vocal! It’s the metal Bee Gees!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Get into the spirit!

Jeff: Get into the spirit! Reach up to the sky!

Jason: Reach up to the sky!

Jeff: Raise your spirits high!

Jason: Pick slide!

Jeff: Pick slide!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I have no idea what this has to do with Christmas.

Jeff: Man. Three and a half stars from Allmusic! “It’s a surprisingly cohesive and listenable addition to the genre — and if skillfully disguised in a Mannheim Steamroller jewel case, it could make Christmas morning truly joyful.”
No it is not.
And could not.

Jason: I don’t know, Jeff. I kind of like this.

Jeff: Why? Explain yourself.

Jason: It wouldn’t make a Christmas playlist of mine, but like it says, within the genre, I think it works. I’m banging my head. Only a little, because I don’t want to mess up my hair.

Jeff: Wait, the Christmas genre?

Jason: No, the METAL genre! I think that’s what they meant.

Jeff: Because it doesn’t…oh, hey, that guitar solo kind of rules.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Halford is winning you over! YES!

Jeff: Here comes the dream that’s been waiting!

Jason: You are falling under his gay metal spell!

Jeff: I’m getting into the spirit!

Jason: Get into the spirit, Giles!

Jeff: I’m reaching up to the sky!

Jason: Reach up to the sky! Get into the spirit! Raise your spirits high! And your ass!

Jeff: What was that aryan metal song we listened to last year?

Jason: Vergissmeinnicht?

Jeff: Vergissmeinnicht! This reminds me of that, a little.

Jason: That song was WAY darker. This one is “It’s a Small World” compared to that one.

Jeff: Well, yeah, ’cause Halford is a clown.

Jason: I like this song. I think it’s fun. I’ll never listen to it again, but I like it. Listen to him wail!

Jeff: Yeah, really!

Jason: He almost sounds like he’s crying!

Jeff: That was incredible. I don’t know what I mean by that, but it was.

Jason: It was something, wasn’t it. I can’t say it was awful. I know I’m supposed to, but I can’t.

Jeff: No, no, it wasn’t. Unexpected, certainly.

Jason: It kind of rocked my balls. Which I think is what Halford wanted.

Jeff: I think Halford would rather cup them than rock them.

Jason: Is that what he would mean by “a cup of Christmas cheer”?

Jeff: Either that or he’s talking about a cup of warm Osborne.

Jason: I don’t want to know his definition of wassail, then.