After you’ve spent a day listening to Auto-Tuned dance club crap, there’s only one place to go: METAL.

Halford — Come All Ye Faithful (download)

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From Halford III: Winter Songs null

Jeff: Drumroll!

Jason: Drumroll! Like before an execution.

Jeff: Oh. Wow.

Jason: …and here’s the execution.

Jeff: He does sound like he’s dying. Wow.

Jason: Who asked for this album? Who told Rob Halford he needed to make this album?

Jeff: Someone who hates him? And Christmas?

Jason: Remind me to play this one for Grandma. She’ll LOVE it.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I wish I could be there for that. This is kind of a train wreck.

Jason: It’s not that I think his voice is that bad. It’s just assaulting my ears.

Jeff: I think his voice sounds kind of…off. But maybe it’s just the overall experience of this “song.”

Jason: Listen to that vibrato.

Jeff: He just repeated the word “Christ,” which is what I’ve been doing since this started.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait. It’s over? It was so short.

Jeff: You aren’t complaining, are you?

Jason: I can’t believe I’m saying that in a way that sounds like complaining.

Jeff: The first song, “Get Into the Spirit,” is 5:26. And it’s “the first single.” Single. Stop it, Halford. Is there a radio format anywhere on the planet for this? Even among Sirius XM’s eleventy bajillion stations? Awful Holiday Music No One Asked For, 24 hours a day!

Jason: I haven’t heard it. And I hate to say this, but I’d be willing to listen to it.

Jeff: Oh, I’d TOTALLY listen to it.

Jason: I imagine it’s an original song.

Jeff: Wait, you mean the song. I meant the radio station.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes, I meant the song. It’s 5:26, which means it’s torturous. And it’s an original, which means we can’t even go on nostalgia for the traditional version.

Jeff: Okay, let’s do it.

Halford — Get Into the Spirit (download)

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From Halford III: Winter Songs null

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! YES! METAL! Jeff, I kind of love this so far. Those guitars are awesome. All seven of ’em. Listen to that vocal! It’s the metal Bee Gees!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Get into the spirit!

Jeff: Get into the spirit! Reach up to the sky!

Jason: Reach up to the sky!

Jeff: Raise your spirits high!

Jason: Pick slide!

Jeff: Pick slide!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I have no idea what this has to do with Christmas.

Jeff: Man. Three and a half stars from Allmusic! “It’s a surprisingly cohesive and listenable addition to the genre — and if skillfully disguised in a Mannheim Steamroller jewel case, it could make Christmas morning truly joyful.”
No it is not.
And could not.

Jason: I don’t know, Jeff. I kind of like this.

Jeff: Why? Explain yourself.

Jason: It wouldn’t make a Christmas playlist of mine, but like it says, within the genre, I think it works. I’m banging my head. Only a little, because I don’t want to mess up my hair.

Jeff: Wait, the Christmas genre?

Jason: No, the METAL genre! I think that’s what they meant.

Jeff: Because it doesn’t…oh, hey, that guitar solo kind of rules.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Halford is winning you over! YES!

Jeff: Here comes the dream that’s been waiting!

Jason: You are falling under his gay metal spell!

Jeff: I’m getting into the spirit!

Jason: Get into the spirit, Giles!

Jeff: I’m reaching up to the sky!

Jason: Reach up to the sky! Get into the spirit! Raise your spirits high! And your ass!

Jeff: What was that aryan metal song we listened to last year?

Jason: Vergissmeinnicht?

Jeff: Vergissmeinnicht! This reminds me of that, a little.

Jason: That song was WAY darker. This one is “It’s a Small World” compared to that one.

Jeff: Well, yeah, ’cause Halford is a clown.

Jason: I like this song. I think it’s fun. I’ll never listen to it again, but I like it. Listen to him wail!

Jeff: Yeah, really!

Jason: He almost sounds like he’s crying!

Jeff: That was incredible. I don’t know what I mean by that, but it was.

Jason: It was something, wasn’t it. I can’t say it was awful. I know I’m supposed to, but I can’t.

Jeff: No, no, it wasn’t. Unexpected, certainly.

Jason: It kind of rocked my balls. Which I think is what Halford wanted.

Jeff: I think Halford would rather cup them than rock them.

Jason: Is that what he would mean by “a cup of Christmas cheer”?

Jeff: Either that or he’s talking about a cup of warm Osborne.

Jason: I don’t want to know his definition of wassail, then.