The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Jingle Bell Slap

Written by Mellowmas, Music

It’s time for another New Jack Mellowmas

Jeff: Ahhh, another fine Mellowmas morning. How are you feeling, old pal?

Jason: yaaaaaaaawn

Jeff: Sounds like someone needs his coffee!

Jason: Well, I just woke up. My eyes are crusty, my breath is awful…

Jeff: Oh, wait, you don’t drink coffee. I know what’ll wake you up.

Jason: So far, vision and smell are screwed. I guess we might as well throw the ears into the mix.

Jeff: You know, nothing says “Christmas” quite like a man peering intensely into the camera while wearing a red blazer and a cross on a chain around his neck. Don’t you agree?

Jason: Unless this image you’re painting for me also includes sky-blue wrapping paper as a backdrop, count me out.

Jeff: Why, you’re in luck!

Jason: Hallelujah!

Jeff: Also what says Christmas: tinny R&B beats. You know I love me some tinny R&B beats, Jason!

Jason: Oh boy, do I! How many years ago was Keith Sweat? You talk about it almost daily! Or “on the daily,” as I guess the kids say.

Jeff: Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come!

Jason: Baby.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m getting my Drakkar Noir.

Jason: So who’s the Keith Sweat of 2011 Mellowmas?

Jeff: Okay, that’s better. Anyway, as I was saying, it wouldn’t be Mellowmas without a little old-fashioned New Jack holiday spirit. And this year, it’s being brought to us by Joe.

Jason: Joe? No way! Awesome!

Who’s Joe?

Jeff: I have no idea! But he’s clearly very famous. I mean, unless you’re as well-known as Madonna, Cher, or Charo, you can’t get away with using just one name.

Jason: Yes, clearly. He had a #2 album on the Billboard 200 in 2000. Which makes me feel very, very old, because I just have no damn clue who he is. But I’ll tell you one other thing about Joe: kick-ass mustache.

Jeff: He likes a red blazer, I can tell that much. Also, he most likely does not own a comb.

Oooh! And he did a Christmas song just for you!

Jason: …just for me?

Jeff: “Christmas in New York”! That’s you! That’s you!

Jason: “Christmas in New York,” huh? I hope this song talks about the guy outside my supermarket who wears a Santa hat and asks every girl who walks by to marry him.

Jeff: Or the Saw Lady!

Jason: Yes! Natalie Paruszszsz! I can’t believe I even know her name well enough to mock it.

Jeff: So many things about New York deserve to be in this song. I wonder how many Joe was able to fit.

Jason: We gotta listen and find out!

Jeff: Ready?

Jason: Aww yeah, baby.

Joe — Christmas in New York (download)

From Home is the Essence of Christmas


Jeff: This is so very tender.

Jason: Wait a minute. Jeff.

Jeff: Hark! I hear a horn!


Jeff: Maybe Joe had his beats jacked?

Jason: Jeff, these are REAL INSTRUMENTS. The horn’s real. The strings are real.

Jeff: I picture Joe walking around a nightclub while he sings this, like Will Ferrell in Anchorman.

Jason: He’s name-checking just about everything in New York City. I can’t wait to see how he rhymes something with “FAO Schwarz.”

Jeff: Or “Paruszszsz.”

Jason: Jeff, this is not New Jack. It’s not even Old Jack.

Jeff: It’s more like Old Burl.

Jason: This is a touch pander-y, but it’s not bad. It’s not even close to bad.

Jeff: No, this is pretty fucking classy.

Jason: A jazz guitar plucking out the notes echoing the vocal? That’s old-school, man. This album cover is misleading. We should sue Joe.

Jeff: Yes! I think the worst thing about it is the album cover, which is making me giggle every time I look over at it.

Jason: Every time I look over at it, I’m expecting his voice to be at least an octave lower. And for there to be at least one line about sex.

Jeff: I know, right? Joe needs to take some lessons from Keith Sweat.

Or, you know, not.

Paul Carrack could totally cover the fuck out of this song.

Jason: It’s probably the same band!

Jeff: Actually, they have sort of the same haircut and facial hair.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I wonder if Joe took that blazer from Paul’s closet?

Jason: A Carrack/Joe duet album! The world is waiting! I just quickly listened to a bit of every other track on this album, and it’s all the same. Real instruments. I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Jeff: Will Joe join Mike and the Mechanics?

Jason: Oh wait, scratch that. I found the beats.

Jeff: Are they in Joe’s goatee?

Jason: “Make Sure You’re Home.” THIS is what we’re looking for.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m lighting a fire.

Jason: Unbutton your shirt while you’re at it.

Jeff: I love that title — “Make Sure You’re Home.” It has the perfect old school blend of romance and the threat of physical violence.

Joe doesn’t fool around with the falsetto!

Jason: “Lyrics and Music by Ike Turner.” Hey, wait, I didn’t start listening yet!

Jeff: “I Didn’t Mean It for Christmas”

“Jingle Busted Lip”

“Do You Hear What You Made Me Do”

Jason: Oh shit! “Jingle Bell Slap.”

Okay, no more domestic violence jokes. Let’s get to the beats. They’re waiting for us.

Jeff: I started playing this three minutes ago, and I just got to the part where Joe says “I’ve got a present waiting for you.”

Jason: I haven’t even started listening, you bastard.

Jeff: Oh, I’ll start over.

Joe — Make Sure You’re Home (download)

From Home is the Essence of Christmas

Jeff: Joe, baby. Damn.

Jason: YES. This is what I wanted! Melismas!

Jeff: I wish Barry White could sing this. Or Lou Rawls.

Jason: Joe remixed a duet by Barry White and Tina Turner called “Never in Your Wildest Dreams.”

Make sure you’re home, baby, come home this Christmas night! Don’t leave me home alone!


Jeff: He did hit the UNGGGH note!

Jason: You know, this is full of the beats I previously mentioned, but it’s still not bad!

Jeff: I love those pillow-soft harmonies that Joe does with himself on the chorus. Somewhere, Ralph Tresvant weeps softly.

Jason: This is well done. I can’t wait to put the moves on my wife with this song playing in the background.

Jeff: YES.

Jason: I can almost feel her pushing me away now.

Jeff: DO IT.

Jason: “Jason, what the hell are you doing? Stop it.”

Jeff: Even better, set up a camera and film it so we can make a Mellowmas music video.