Jeff: Well, hello there! A very Mellowmas morn to you!
Jason: Go fuck yourself.
Jeff: I’m always surprised to see that you’ve actually shown up for these.
Jason: I wasn’t aware I had a choice.
Jeff: I keep thinking you’ll come to your senses, but you never do. It’s quite comforting.
You know who else is happy that you keep sticking around for Mellowmas? Everyone. And by “everyone,” I mean readers like Jonathan Henschel.
Jason: Oh, Jonathan. I have been shaking my fist at that guy since August.
Jeff: As you are of course aware, our little holiday is an institution by now. People — sick, damaged people — look forward to it all year. We get emails. Oh, we get emails!
Jason: We get emails with files attached! Files I don’t believe we ever asked for! Files that make me consider changing my e-mail address!
Jeff: What we’re trying to say, folks, is that today’s track is not our fault.
Jason: I am tempted to publish Jonathan’s e-mail address in this post.
Jeff: I wrote to Google and told them he sent me a virus.
Jason: I wrote to the CDC and told them he sent me a virus.
Jeff: In some ways, I think I might prefer a virus, because what he actually did send us is pretty goddamn awful. Apparently, there was some sort of religious kids’ band or something called Prism, and for some reason, Jonathan Henschel A) knew about them and B) had their music.
Jason: I listened to it back in August, but honestly, I can’t remember anything about it. Just that I hate him.
Prism is very hard to Google. Because all that comes up is the Canadian rock band, and this is definitely not them.
Jeff: Right. When he wrote to us and said he had a Christmas song from Prism, that’s what I thought he was talking about. Which would have been awesome!
Jason: These kids had a few albums. One was Red, one was Yellow, one was Blue and one was Green. BECAUSE THEIR NAME IS PRISM GET IT
Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH YOU SO SMART
Jason: Here, look at all the different album covers.
A few things to note. One, these guys were clearly the Christian Menudo. Not the same kids on every cover.
Jeff: Look at their creepy Svengali chaperone. Gross.
Jason: Oh, on the Green cover?
Jeff: Yeah, it’s like Peter Scolari melted or something.
Jason: There are actually THREE adults in that picture. Can you see them? It’s like trying to find Waldo.
Jeff: Oh God, you’re right!
Everyone’s height is all fucked up in that picture! I can’t stop staring at it AUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Jason: Three adults, a bunch of kids who are all like, “Wait, you didn’t tell me you were taking the picture!,” and one kid with a beret and pink suspenders blowing into something.
Jeff: And those green striped pants.
Jason: And they are all attached by pearls. Just one big pearl necklace across the front. snicker
Jeff: I don’t even know what to say. I look at the picture and my mind freezes. Also, I’m reading the copyright disclaimer on the blog you sent the link to, and I love that it ends with “God Bless, Chris.”
Jason: For Halloween next year, we should all get together and dress up like Prism.
Jeff: Step 1: Fall down in an abandoned attic.
Step 1a: Cover yourself in glue and run through any thrift store in Indiana.
Jason: Step 2: Be a creepy adult.
Jeff: Step 3: Set Jonathan Henschel’s house on fire.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Deep sigh I guess we’re going to have to get around to listening to this shit eventually, aren’t we?
Jason: Yeah, I guess we have to listen. But after, can we set his house on fire?
Jeff: We can TOTALLY set his house on fire. So what’s this song called? “The Worst Thing Ever”?
Jason: It’s “Only Love (Will Last Forever),” which sounds like the name of a shitty Chicago song.
Jeff: Oh, I knew it ended with “Ever.” Hey, it even comes with parentheses! Your favorite!
Jason: I hate Jonathan more and more with each passing second.
Jeff: An ominous beginning!
Jason: Oh my God. So processed. Those huge “drums”!
Jeff: Where’s the white wine? I feel like we need to drink some while we listen.
Jason: Wait a minute. That is NOT a kid.
Jeff: Wow, my jeans just acid-washed themselves.
Jason: This IS a Chicago song! Shit! Those chorus harmonies!
Jeff: Someone graduated from the David Foster School of Songwriting!
Jason: Jeff, there isn’t a kid in this entire song! What the shit is going on here?
Jeff: I’m not sad about that. Hey, did he just say “I remember when my daddy could read”? I haven’t been listening to the words at all.
Jason: I think we need to listen to the words. Jonathan told us this was a depressing song.
Jeff: I think he’s singing about his dead father. Merry Christmas!
Jason: Round and round the world we go! Tell me what really matters! Our lives around the clock, ticking so much faster!
Wow. I am depressed.
Jeff: Key change!
Jason: Slow that shit down!
Jeff: Oh, man. I just laughed out loud. That machine-assembled breakdown after the solo.
High note! See, THAT’S how you do it, Menudo!
Jason: Wait, I’m confused. What the hell did that have to do with Christmas?
Jeff: Uh…I have no idea. Maybe it’s a way of reminding greedy kids that even if they don’t get everything they want for Christmas, at least their fathers aren’t dead. And anyway, only love lasts forever, not toys.
Jason: I hope you use this line of thinking at Christmas this year with your kids.
Jeff: I hope Jonathan Henschel doesn’t have kids.
Jason: So I just did the unthinkable.
Jeff: You started a new lineup of Prism?
Jason: I downloaded the entire album.
Jason: I wanted to see if there were any kids on the album! From what I can tell, there aren’t any. But there are some interesting tracks on here.
Jeff: When the FBI comes with a detailed printout of your Internet activity, I look forward to the part where you have to explain your downloads from the illegal blog “Old Christian Music.”
Jason: I think I can defend myself adequately by explaining what’s really important in life.
Jason: “Officer, round and round the world we go.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Do it. Check your inbox.
Jeff: You son of a bitch. Goddamn you.
“Joy to the World”? Seriously?
Jeff: Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. All right, all right.
Jason: I heard the first three seconds and stopped there. I just sent it. I hope it lives up to my dreams.
Jeff: Oh, no.
Jason: OH FUCK YES.
Jeff: This is like a discarded Michael W. Smith track. “You guys, Christians can be funky too! Let’s show ’em!”
Jermaine Stewart would have laughed at this.
Jason: I love how they say “A groove must be established,” and then they make no effort whatsoever to establish said groove.
Jeff: Well, the Casio is trying to establish it.
Jason: I LOVE THIS CHORUS
Jeff: This is RIDICULOUS.
Jason: I wonder if this track was offered to the Jets?
Jeff: This is 100 percent absolute Mellowmas.
Jason: Jonathan sent us the wrong track!
Jeff: Oh shit, this IS the Jets, isn’t it? Heaven and nature sing!
Jason: Singin’ joyyyyyyyyyy!
Ooooh, the bass!
Jeff: I smell Aqua Net!
Jason: I LOVE THIS SONG
Jeff: This is amazing. Breakdown!
Jason: It just got real in here!
Jeff: What’s happening in the background?
Jason: I wonder if Christian music fans found this to be the devil’s work.
Jeff: Whatever, I don’t care. This is amazing.
Jason: Sing! JOY! Sing! JOY!
Jeff: Be funky and give praise! Oh MAN.
Jason: HOW FUCKING AWESOME WAS THAT
Jeff: My mind has been blown.
Jason: Okay, Henschel, you are off my shit list.
Jeff: Good job, Canada!
Jason: Wait, wait, wait. These guys were from Canada? I thought that was the rock group.
Jeff: I’m inventing my own history now. I don’t care about the truth. I’m also scrolling randomly through album covers at the Old Christian Music blog. Tell me — is this the saddest thing you’ve seen all year?
Jason: Including the track “Create In Me A Clean Heart.”
Jeff: Also “Lutte De Coeur,” which is the name your mother used when she was working in Paris.
Jason: I think your mom has a move called The Brown Bannister.
Jeff: And then there’s his name. Yes! I was just about to go there.
Jason: I’m crying.
Jeff: BROWN BANNISTER.
Jason: howls with glee
Jeff: I would rather have almost any other name in the world. Brown Bannister is a worse name than Adolf Hitler.
Jason: I can’t even type. I can’t see through my tears.
Jeff: And just look at his stupid face in that picture! It’s like the album is titled Huh?
Jason: He looks like Randy Van Warmer‘s retarded cousin.
Jeff: Whoo. wipes tear from other eye
Jason: Joy to the Henschel!
Jeff: In heaven and Canada sing!