What would Christmas be without Neil Sedaka?Â Other than a whole lot better?Â Today, we do something especially cruel: we give you not one, but two songs from one of the sappiest artists alive.Â Enjoy!
Neil Sedaka — Love is Spreading Over the World (download)
Jason: I just want to tell you how excited I was when I found this record.
Jeff: I can see why.
Jason: Like, I knew it was awful before I even heard a note. It’s so…calculated.
Jeff: I’m transfixed by the cover photo.
Jason: Listen to this shit. Listen to that synthesizer!
Jeff: I know, it’s supposed to be a Hammond.
Jason: I would bet ANYTHING that’s Daryl Dragon.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: It sounds like Captain & Tennille! Key change! And more C&T keyboards!
Jeff: What do you think Neil looks like when he’s singing? I imagine him with a grin permanently frozen on his face. Snapping his fingers.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! In a sweater.
Jeff: Oblivious to the fact that his producer has left the building.
Jason: You think this gospel choir in the background went out and committed mass suicide after this?
Jeff: He’s really having fun here. You can tell. He doesn’t even know how much he sucks.
Jason: It’s like he’s trying to channel “Put a Little Love in Your Heart.”
Jeff: God is alive and he’s making a comeback! Oh no!
Jason: God is NOT alive, Neil.
Jeff: Watch out, sinners!
Jason: Wait for it, here it comes…PRAISE GOD!
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: God’s like, “No! No! Stop! Don’t praise me!”
Jeff: Funky breakdown!
Jason: Do you feel it?! Clap! Clap! Clap!
Jeff: Neil Sedaka is a Baptist!
Jason: I’m bopping in my chair! Amen!
Jeff: That isn’t bopping — that’s your internal organs trying to escape.
Jason: He just said “praise God” again! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: I feel like we’d be remiss if we didn’t tell our readers that this is a DOUBLE-DISC SET. TWO DISCS OF SEDAKA.
Jason: The first is traditional Christmas music. We didn’t even download that one. The second, with original Christmas music, seemed much more enticing.
Jeff: I almost wish I had a physical copy of this, so I could give it to the oldest person I know.
Jason: …Ron Dante?
Jeff: Ha! I bet Ron and Neil are gummin’ buddies!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: They crack a six-pack of Ensure and talk about the good old days!
Jason: So I’ve actually listened to all of this disc. I think he mentions God specifically in every track, but this one seemed to be the most blatant. God. Is. Alive. And. He’s. Making. A. Comeback.
Jeff: More blatant than “Where Is God?”
Jason: Ooh, good point.
Jeff: Yes, friends, there is a track titled “Where Is God?”
Jason: “Where is God” is actually a depressing track, if I remember correctly. It’s not like “Where is Thumbkin.”
Here I am!
Here I am!
How are you today, sir?
Choking on Sedaka!
Jeff: Jason, this whole record is depressing.
Jason: I know.
Jeff: I’m sure there’s an infomercial for it somewhere.
Jason: runs to YouTube
Jeff: It probably plays in a loop in the restrooms of Ron Dante cruise ships.
Jason: Shit! I can’t find one! I did find “Laughter in the Rain,” which is an awesome song, but I digress.
Jeff: Well, we found it at eMusic, and something tells me Neil’s target demographic doesn’t frequent that particular vendor. I’m sure he’d sell more copies on QVC.
Jason: I think the first disc was released last year, and now they’re re-releasing as a 2-disc set. Or something.
Jeff: Deluxe reissue!
Jason: Wasn’t there another track you wanted to foist upon our poor readers?
Jeff: I think there was.
Jason: Something that reminisced about the Andrews Sisters or something?
Jeff: Oh yes.
Jason: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas,” I think it was.
Jeff: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas.”
Jason: What the fuck. Let’s just do it. These people hate us by now, anyway. We only have one reader left. Alan O’Day.
Jeff: Hi, Alan!
Jason: And Alan probably knows Neil. Who knows, we may have just pissed off Alan O’Day. But it’s okay. A copy of “Vergissmeinnicht” and some chloroform will calm him down.
Jeff: This is a short track. They can count themselves lucky for that much, at least.
Neil Sedaka — Razzle Dazzle Christmas (download)
Jeff: Hee hee hee!
Jason: Sedaka channels Bob Fosse!
Jeff: Where is God, indeed!
Jason: Sedaka’s totally doing jazz hands! Careful, Neil! You’ll break your hip!
Jeff: Silly sound effects!
Jason: I think he’s going to name-check some people soon.
Jeff: I think he’s going to die soon.
Jason: We can drink some brandy! Great idea, Neil!
Jeff: Sugar on a spoon!
Jason: Give me a taste of the old days, it was sugar on a spoon? What the hell does that mean?
Jeff: That’s Thursday afternoon at Boca del Boca!
Jason: Crosby and the Andrews Sisters!
Jeff: Brenda Lee could rock it! Haaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: Brenda Lee! He slept with Brenda Lee! Brenda Lee is havin’ his baby!
Jeff: What’s with that fucking whistle?
Jason: Big finish! BIIIG FINISH! Kick line!
Jeff: Do you think this is what karaoke night at Neil’s sounds like? Oh! My colostomy bag!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thank God that’s over. Whew
Jeff: That was…something.
Jason: It was. I don’t even know what to say.
Jeff: I think you do.
Jason: Except Neil Sedaka + jazz hands = my lunch, coming right back up.