The Twenty-First Day of Mellowmas: Sedakamas

Written by Mellowmas, Music

What would Christmas be without Neil Sedaka?  Other than a whole lot better?  Today, we do something especially cruel: we give you not one, but two songs from one of the sappiest artists alive.  Enjoy!

Neil Sedaka — Love is Spreading Over the World (download)

From The Miracle of Botox Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: I just want to tell you how excited I was when I found this record.

Jeff: I can see why.

Jason: Like, I knew it was awful before I even heard a note. It’s so…calculated.

Jeff: I’m transfixed by the cover photo.

Jason: Listen to this shit. Listen to that synthesizer!

Jeff: I know, it’s supposed to be a Hammond.

Jason: I would bet ANYTHING that’s Daryl Dragon.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: It sounds like Captain & Tennille! Key change! And more C&T keyboards!

Jeff: What do you think Neil looks like when he’s singing? I imagine him with a grin permanently frozen on his face. Snapping his fingers.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! In a sweater.

Jeff: Oblivious to the fact that his producer has left the building.

Jason: You think this gospel choir in the background went out and committed mass suicide after this?

Jeff: He’s really having fun here. You can tell. He doesn’t even know how much he sucks.

Jason: It’s like he’s trying to channel “Put a Little Love in Your Heart.”

Jeff: God is alive and he’s making a comeback! Oh no!

Jason: God is NOT alive, Neil.

Jeff: Watch out, sinners!

Jason: Wait for it, here it comes…PRAISE GOD!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: God’s like, “No! No! Stop! Don’t praise me!”

Jeff: Funky breakdown!

Jason: Do you feel it?! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Jeff: Neil Sedaka is a Baptist!

Jason: I’m bopping in my chair! Amen!

Jeff: That isn’t bopping — that’s your internal organs trying to escape.

Jason: He just said “praise God” again! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I feel like we’d be remiss if we didn’t tell our readers that this is a DOUBLE-DISC SET. TWO DISCS OF SEDAKA.

Jason: The first is traditional Christmas music. We didn’t even download that one. The second, with original Christmas music, seemed much more enticing.

Jeff: I almost wish I had a physical copy of this, so I could give it to the oldest person I know.

Jason: …Ron Dante?

Jeff: Ha! I bet Ron and Neil are gummin’ buddies!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: They crack a six-pack of Ensure and talk about the good old days!

Jason: So I’ve actually listened to all of this disc. I think he mentions God specifically in every track, but this one seemed to be the most blatant. God. Is. Alive. And. He’s. Making. A. Comeback.

Jeff: More blatant than “Where Is God?”

Jason: Ooh, good point.

Jeff: Yes, friends, there is a track titled “Where Is God?”

Jason: “Where is God” is actually a depressing track, if I remember correctly. It’s not like “Where is Thumbkin.”

Jeff: Ha!

Here I am!
Here I am!
How are you today, sir?
Choking on Sedaka!
Run away!
Run away!

Jeff: Jason, this whole record is depressing.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: I’m sure there’s an infomercial for it somewhere.

Jason: runs to YouTube

Jeff: It probably plays in a loop in the restrooms of Ron Dante cruise ships.

Jason: Shit! I can’t find one! I did find “Laughter in the Rain,” which is an awesome song, but I digress.

Jeff: Well, we found it at eMusic, and something tells me Neil’s target demographic doesn’t frequent that particular vendor. I’m sure he’d sell more copies on QVC.

Jason: I think the first disc was released last year, and now they’re re-releasing as a 2-disc set. Or something.

Jeff: Deluxe reissue!

Jason: Wasn’t there another track you wanted to foist upon our poor readers?

Jeff: I think there was.

Jason: Something that reminisced about the Andrews Sisters or something?

Jeff: Oh yes.

Jason: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas,” I think it was.

Jeff: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas.”

Jason: What the fuck. Let’s just do it. These people hate us by now, anyway. We only have one reader left. Alan O’Day.

Jeff: Hi, Alan!

Jason: And Alan probably knows Neil. Who knows, we may have just pissed off Alan O’Day. But it’s okay. A copy of “Vergissmeinnicht” and some chloroform will calm him down.

Jeff: This is a short track. They can count themselves lucky for that much, at least.

Neil Sedaka — Razzle Dazzle Christmas (download)

From The Miracle of Botox Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Hee hee hee!

Jason: Sedaka channels Bob Fosse!

Jeff: Where is God, indeed!

Jason: Sedaka’s totally doing jazz hands! Careful, Neil! You’ll break your hip!

Jeff: Silly sound effects!

Jason: I think he’s going to name-check some people soon.

Jeff: I think he’s going to die soon.

Jason: We can drink some brandy! Great idea, Neil!

Jeff: Sugar on a spoon!

Jason: Give me a taste of the old days, it was sugar on a spoon? What the hell does that mean?

Jeff: That’s Thursday afternoon at Boca del Boca!

Jason: Crosby and the Andrews Sisters!

Jeff: Brenda Lee could rock it! Haaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Brenda Lee! He slept with Brenda Lee! Brenda Lee is havin’ his baby!

Jeff: What’s with that fucking whistle?

Jason: Big finish! BIIIG FINISH! Kick line!

Jeff: Do you think this is what karaoke night at Neil’s sounds like? Oh! My colostomy bag!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thank God that’s over. Whew

Jeff: That was…something.

Jason: It was. I don’t even know what to say.

Jeff: I think you do.

Jason: Except Neil Sedaka + jazz hands = my lunch, coming right back up.

Jeff: urp