whew He isn’t here.
Jason: Who isn’t where? I’m right here, you jackass. I’ve been stuck to my computer for 20 days.
Jeff: Shit! I was hoping you’d bailed. After yesterday, I’m a broken man.
Jason: Your wife has been calling you broken for years. Seven years, coincidentally.
Jeff: True. It sounds like we could both use a little vacation.
Jason: I know I could! I haven’t been on vacation in a long time. Where can we leave our kids?
Jeff: Not my problem. Pack your bags, pal, because we’re headed to where it’s warm and sunny year round! It’s time for a little Mellowmas in Mexico!
Jason: Mexicomas? It sounds so awful, I don’t want to go.
Jeff: Now listen — do like my Spanish teacher told us in high school: Don’t tell the cab driver you’re an American tourist, or you’re liable to end up in an alley, missing your wallet and maybe one or two other important things.
Jason: Jeff, you and I are as pasty-white-lameass American as they come. They’re going to know.
Jeff: I’m not afraid, because we’ll have T.G. Sheppard to guide us.
Jason: Who the hell is T.G. Sheppard? That doesn’t sound Mexican.
Jeff: You don’t know who T.G. Sheppard is? That’s okay, neither do I. But I do know that he recorded a song called “Christmas in Mexico.” Sadly, I don’t believe this song was featured on his 2002 live album, Live at Billy Bob’s.
Jason: I’m incredibly nervous right now.
Jeff: I think you’re getting a feel for the sort of thing we’re in for today.
Jason: My palms are sweaty. It’s like I drank the water or something.
Jeff: Did I mention that T.G. Sheppard was close personal friends with Elvis Presley, who let T.G. live at Graceland for awhile?
Jason: You didn’t mention this. I would have been okay if you had just kept it your own little secret.
Jeff: I think you may repeat some variation of that in about, oh, 3:56. But for now, buckle up for a trip south of the border.
T.G. Sheppard, “Christmas in Mexico” (download)
Jeff: TWANG AND STEEL DRUMS, JASON
Jason: Wait a second.
Jeff: THERE IS NOTHING THAT GOES TOGETHER LIKE TWANG AND STEEL DRUMS
Jason: Aren’t steel drums more prevalent in, say, the Bahamas?
Jeff: T.G. doesn’t care. He’s goin’ where warm winds blow in Acapulco.
Jason: I’m looking at his photo now. He looks a little Thicke-y. Thicke-ish?
Jeff: Ha! Yeah, I saw his face and thought, “Was this guy on TV?” His Wikipedia entry could have told me he starred in a short-lived ’70s sitcom about a lovable truck driver, and I would have believed it.
Jason: “Christmas in Mexico/Baby we gotta go.” Brilliant.
Jeff: Is this not the epitome of holiday song laziness?
Jason: This guy sleeps with a rhyming dictionary under his pillow.
Jeff: He can’t even be bothered to figure out what Mexican music sounds like. Oh, flamenco!
Jason: Ahh, the classical guitar sound of Mexico.
Jeff: FLAMENCO AND STEEL DRUMS AND TWANG.
Jason: Gross, line about making love under the Spanish moon.
Jason: Ahh, the perfect holiday/So let’s run away.
Jeff: Baby, we gotta go!
Jason: The moon isn’t Spanish, T.G. It’s the same moon, no matter where you are.
Jeff: To T.G., it looks like a tortilla. I really think he just wanted to sing about lying under a palm tree and fucking on Christmas, but he couldn’t find a rhyme for “Bermuda.”
Jason: “Hey, I got 30 seconds left. Might as well repeat the last line.”
Holy shit! I KNEW he was going to end it with a cha-cha-cha!
Jeff: AND a “Feliz Navidad.”
Jason: T.G. covers all his bases, film at eleven.
Jeff: I’m imagining a Mexican person hearing this and rolling his eyes in resigned disgust.
Jason: T. G. Sheppard has so many song titles that remind me of your mother.
“Tryin’ to Beat the Morning Home”
“Last Cheater’s Waltz”
Jason: “I’ll Be Coming Back for More”
“I Loved ‘Em Every One”
“Motels and Memories”
Jeff: Holy crap, I’m looking at his discography and he has SO MANY ALBUMS.
Jason: “When Can We Do This Again”
“I Feel Like Loving You Again”
Jeff: “Slow Burn”
Jeff: And, of course, “One for the Money”
Jason: Don’t forget “Born in a High Wind,” which is your mom’s excuse whenever she lets one rip.
Jeff: sigh Well, I feel…better now somehow. Yesterday, “Last Christmas” divided us, but we have been united once more, thanks to our shared lack of any use whatsoever for the songs of T.G. Sheppard.
Jason: That was kind of exactly what I expected. Although I was not expecting the steel drums. Or the breakdown in the middle where he played the opening to “Bad.”
Jeff: If only. Before you go looking to see if any Italian T.G. Sheppard impersonators have covered “Last Christmas,” I think it’s probably time to cut our losses, pack up our steel drums, and get the hell out of here.
Jason: I’m with you. T.G., I was going to thank you for nothing, but your song titles actually gave me a good chuckle today. But that’s absolutely all I got.
Jeff: Same here! Also, steel drums.
Jason: So authentically Mexican. About as Mexican as T.G. Sheppard.
Jeff: T.G. Sheppard: The Taco Bell of Christmas music.
Jason: Finally, a chalupa reference! Thank you!