Jason: I don’t think we should share with our readers how the Mellowmas sausage is made, but they probably know we just scour the Internet for weeks on end, adding our “favorite” songs to a Mellowmas playlist.
Jeff: The worst playlist in the world, by the way.
Jason: Huh. Looks like I just shared with our readers how the Mellowmas sausage is made. Anyway, we often wind up with more songs each year than we can actually cover.
Jeff: Such a scathing indictment of modern recording and distribution technology right there.
Jason: And this year, I grabbed some songs from last year’s playlist, and now I can’t help but wonder two things: firstly, why didn’t we actually cover them? And secondly, why haven’t I used the term “Mellowmas sausage” until now?
Jeff: Hold on, I’m calling Hickory Farms to see about getting us an endorsement deal. I’m totally wearing the Liberace vest when we take the photo for the Mellowmas Sausage ad. Full-page spread in Cat Fancy and AARP Magazine! I can feel it.
Jason: That makes more sense than anything else you’ve thought of this year.
Jeff: Fortunately, Dave Lifton gets both of those magazines, so he can clip them out and mail them to us.
“Me-ow!” –Dave Lifton
Jason: Okay, that’s just about enough Dave Lifton mentions for today. He’s going to get a fat head.
Jeff: I see you sitting over there waiting for me to help you make a joke about Dave Lifton already having a fat head, and I refuse.
Jason: DAMMIT
Anyway, today we are checking out an artist I found last year. He goes by the name of James Wynbrandt.
Jeff: *raises one eyebrow*
Jason: Jeff, have you ever wondered what a real-life Mr. Garrison would sound like?
Jeff: Uh.
Jason: I can tell you’ve wondered it often. The good news is that you don’t have to wonder anymore. Real-life Mr. Garrison released a happy-sounding song about being homeless this Christmas.
Jeff: Another homeless Christmas song? Didn’t we do this last year?
Jason: Did we?
Jeff: I don’t remember. I feel like we did something super depressing. Ha, ha, ha! Did I say “something”? I meant “twenty-five somethings.”
Jason: That’s right! We did! Bad Action!
Jeff: I knew it! So many homeless Christmas songs to choose from.
Jason: Well, this one has a deceptive title — it’s called “Homeless This Christmas.”
Jeff: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute. James Wynbrandt appears to be the furthest thing from homeless. James Wynbrandt is a BUSINESS JET TRAVELER, Jason. He’s also the author of The Excruciating History of Dentistry.
Jason: What what WHAT?
Jeff: This guy is amazing. Also, he filmed an actual music video for “Homeless This Christmas.”
Jason: Oh, that I know.
Jeff: I think what we have on our hands is an eccentric with deep pockets, which is pretty much exactly what we’ve been hoping to find since we met.
Which one of us will write to him requesting adoption first?
“Dear Mr. Wynbrandt (can I call you Dad?)”
Jason: He could adopt both of us, and then…are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Jason and Jeff: SITCOM!
Jeff: YES! AT LAST, MY DREAM WILL COME TRUE.
Jason: Talk about Diff’rent Strokes!
*laugh track*
*applause*
*toilet flush*
Jeff: I guess that makes today’s installment of Mellowmas a Very Special Episode, what with the homelessness and all. When does Nancy Reagan come out and ask Dudley to show her where the bad man touched him?
Jeff: That’s going to be our house, Jason!
Jason: I hope we’ll have the same oval around our heads!
Jeff: Hey, how did he grow that beard so fast?
Jason: What’s he looking at?
Jeff: And why is that cat motel in every scene?
Jason: Why didn’t someone tell him which camera to look at?
Doesn’t he sound a little Garrison-y?
Jeff: OH UP YOUR SLEEVE JAMES WYNBRANDT SO SLICK
Jason: Oh hey, he hid the Hos up his sleeve!
Jeff: ChristMESS! So clever!
Jason: I swear I just saw ONE snowflake fall.
Jeff: Dude, he put a stocking on his dick.
Guitar! Cat!
Jason: AHHH THE CAT
Jeff: So much going on! He just gave us his guitar face.
Jason: This song is way too charming for me to really get the message that I’m supposed to be thinking of the homeless.
He’s going to shout. Wait for it. Here it comes.
Jeff: A homeless guy wouldn’t have a capo.
Jason: Write me care of Motel Blissless! Honk if you’re Homeless?
Jeff: THERE’S THE DYLAN NOD
Jason: Is it weird that I can’t tell if he’s in favor of homelessness or against it?
Jeff: I can’t tell a goddamn thing other than that I want to spend a week talking to James Wynbrandt about his obviously awesome life. This is exactly the kind of thing that every other weirdo Mellowmas artist aspires to.
Jason: I think I recall a sign saying “It’s beginning to look a lot like Homelis.”
JEFF WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN
DO WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT IN ORDER TO GET HIM TO ADOPT US
Jeff: I wondered the same thing!
Jason: Do you think he’ll ask us to pull a Ho out of his sleeve? Because that might get me to go tell Nancy.
Jeff: Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Jason?
*laugh track*
Jason: *applause*
*nativity scene, fade out*
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