Jason: Some people may not realize it, but finding Mellowmas music isn’t an easy thing to do.

Jeff: On the other hand, it isn’t nearly as hard as it should be.

Jason: And I do love it when people comment with “…where did you FIND this?”

Jeff: I’m always like, “I just searched for Christmas music. Seriously, you have no idea how scary it is out there.”

Jason: I don’t want to give away our trade secrets, but I will let readers in on one very, very lazy way I used earlier today: I went to Spotify and typed in “Bad” and “Christmas.”

Jeff: Whoa, that worked?

Jason: It did today! It was a Mellowmas miracle.

Jeff: That suggests a level of self-awareness that depresses me. “This Christmas song I recorded sure is awful. Might as well put it on Spotify.”

Jason: Well, Spotify picks up just about everything. I’m pretty sure half the artists on Spotify have no idea they’re on Spotify.

Jeff: I just felt a tingle of dread.

Jason: Anyway, this is how I found today’s track: “Homeless Christmas” by Bad Action.

Jeff: *shakes head* That isn’t real.

Nope, you made it up.

Jason: From a 30-track album called #Tag, which seems redundant. And stupid.

Jeff: Oh, so maybe this has no lyrics! Maybe it isn’t even a Christmas song.

Jason: There are some great song titles on #Tag, like “Just Another Assisted Suicide.”

Jeff: *frowns* I feel like we’re about to make a really big mistake here.

Jason: Fuck you. I say that every year, and you ignore me.

Jeff: It would be one thing if we were listening to something that was merely tasteless, like, “Well, the weather outside is frightful / Because I’m fucking homeless / But I have no place to go / While it snows and it snows and it snows.” But this seems dark. Judy Collins dark.

Jason: Jeff, if you don’t want to listen to “Homeless Christmas,” we can listen to other winners, like “The Horrors in My Head” and “Through the Ring of Uranus.”

Jeff: *frowns*

Jason: Okay, that last one was kind of funny.

Jeff: Hoping for German speed metal here.

Jason: I like this song called “You’re Just a Facebook Friend,” which doesn’t scream “Let’s try and be relevant!” at all.

Jeff: There’s no way this ends well, so I feel like we should just get it over with.

Bad Action – Homeless Christmas

Jeff: Homeless people can’t afford engineers!

Jason: Tell me, why am I lonely?

Jeff: This guy sounds like the lead singer in a bad Billy Squier cover band.


Jeff: Awesome IN WHAT WAY?

Jason: In the “I love that I’m making you listen to this” way.

Jeff: A drum machine, a homeless man, a shitty-sounding acoustic guitar. All we need is a singing saw, and I might as well be on the subway with you.

Jason: He’s telling a story!

Jeff: “Help me to get some pizza into my body”?

Jason: “I feel so cold”! Jeff, this song was MEANT for us. This is how we feel every year!

Jeff: …You’re right.

Did he just say “send me the chair”?

Jason: I don’t need sympathy! Let me be clear! I want a house. I want a kid. I wanna live.

Jeff: This is a really strange way of envisioning a homeless person’s thoughts during Christmas.

Jason: This song just won’t end!

Jeff: Yes, yes, at Christmastime. Shut up. God, there’s almost a minute left!

Jason: He wants to live! He don’t wanna die!

Jeff: He…wants to stay high?

Jason: I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore.

Jeff: I am frowning so hard right now.

Ah, good. It ended on a long, piercing note of feedback. As it should have.

Jason: That was hysterical.

Jeff: Not for the poor homeless man who wanted pizza and to stay high!

Jason: Have you seen their Reverbnation page?

Jeff: I don’t want to look at that.

Jason: Hope you like clowns!

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: “Sounds Like: Pink Floyd, Rammstein, RUSH, Nine Inch Nails, Coldplay”


Jeff: They use the same chords, I guess?

Jason: That song used chords?

Jeff: The chords were homeless.

Jason: Well, this is good. I feel like I really stuck it to you. You had this coming.

Jeff: I feel like I want pizza, and to get high.

Jason: Yes. Yessssss. And then you want to get into clown makeup and write a song about Snapchat.

Jeff: That reminds me of the time I ordered pizza at your apartment at like two in the morning. I should come over right now.

Jason: If you’re not wearing the makeup, I’m not letting you in.

Jeff: We can wear it together! And write a song about Vine. “Instagram Suite in Hashtag Minor.”

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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