Jeff: We walk a fine line here at Mellowmas, Jason. I think the readers have noticed that we’ve ventured into the realm of holiday outsider music over the last few years. It makes things interesting, but we also have to be careful about mocking the innocent too ruthlessly.

Jason: Well, it’s not every year that Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta release a Christmas album, y’know?

Jeff: True!

Jason: Most of the celebrity albums we hear these days are competent.

Jeff: Praise Xenu!

Jason: Gone are the days of Shelley Duvall.

Jeff: Hi! I’m Shelley Duvall!

Jason: *shudder* But you’re right. I have a conscience about this stuff, unlikely as it might seem. I think I talk us out of at least one song every year for this reason.

Jeff: I too have a conscience. And yet when an artist can’t be bothered to remove “Artist” from the cover art template they’ve chosen for their holiday single…well, the Mellowmas gloves are off.

Jason: Who are we talking about here?

Jeff: Jason, I would like to introduce you to Judy Welden. Excuse me, “Judy Welden Artist.”

Jason: Judy Whoden?

Jeff: She has recorded a song for our holiday enjoyment and it is called “Waiting for You ‘Neath the Christmas Tree.”


Jeff: Which sounds sticky and painful, but whatever.

Jason: Wait a minute. Are you telling me this isn’t Judy Welden? Excuse me, “Judy Welden Artist”?

Jeff: I am willing to bet $50 from Kurt Torster’s wallet that it isn’t!

Jason: Okay, so maybe the photo is misleading. But what about the song?

Jeff: Oh! I’m so glad you asked.

Jason: Real drums! Just kidding.

Jeff: Is that a real voice?

Jason: Is that two real voices?

Jeff: I am so sad. There’s so much to talk about here, but I’m frozen with sadness.

Jason: She’s going to be wearing a red bow and a smile; I am going to be wearing my own vomit.

Here’s what I want to know: where the hell is she recording this vocal?

Jeff: So the story here, readers, is that Judy Welden Artist was left by her…husband? Whatever. He said they needed a year to figure out what was up.

Jason: Are you hearing some weird flapping sounds in the background? Like around the 1:45 mark? It sounds like someone made an mp3 of an mp3 of an mp3.

Jeff: It’s clear she’s recording it underneath the Christmas tree.

Jason: Is that why this song sounds so sappy? HA HA HA HA HA HA

Jeff: Judy Welden Artist is promising her fella that she’ll be leaving the door unlocked on Christmas Eve, and she’ll be waiting for him under the tree wearing a red bow and a smile.

I’m picturing her literally wedged under the tree in a ball. Smiling. Needles between her teeth.

Jason: This song gives me the creeps.

Jeff: Yeah, I think maybe Judy Welden Artist is cousins with that weird bird lady from last Mellowmas.

Jason: I was going to say the same thing! Their vocals sound pretty much the same!

Jeff: But there’s a bright side to Judy’s Christmas heartbreak, which is that she’s got a patent pending on some bandana hats she created. It’s true!

Jason: Already there, my man.

Jeff: “They are being shown now on TV! In the past though, she’s always been known for the many hats she wears as concerns her long and varied career in the music business …… for the most part wearing three or four of these hats at a time!”

Jason: And the good news is that I just found your Christmas gift. Hope you like “Orchid Gabardine, w. Visor”


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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