The Third Day of Mellowmas: Figglemas

Jason: As our Twitter followers will already know, any day where I receive an e-mail that says “Jeff Has Sent You an iTunes Gift” always drives a stake of fear through my heart.

Jeff: I do a special leprechaun dance when I send you iTunes presents.

Jason: Really? Because I shiver. I just get so cold. So very, very cold.

Jeff: I love that you still feel Mellowmas fear, after all these years. It would be easy to let yourself go numb.

Jason: It would be preferable to let myself go numb.

Jeff: Well, I’m just a giving person is all.

Jason: And every time I think I’ve developed some sort of immunity, you go and send me shit like THE FRED FIGGLEHORN CHRISTMAS ALBUM.

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jason: I’m sure our readers are as old and out-of-it as we are. Do you want to try and explain who Fred Figglehorn is to them?

Jeff: Honestly, I don’t really know. I mean, I know he’s some kind of Nickelodeon/YouTube phenomenon. And I know a lot of sensible people really can’t stand his shtick. But I’m not really clear on what that is.

Jason: We’re so old.

Jeff: Looking at pictures of Fred, it’s pretty clear he isn’t someone I’d want to spend any time with. Although I gather he must be pretty wealthy. Maybe we should spend Mellowmas at his house.

Jason: I think this just goes to show how out-of-touch we are with anything considered “cool.” Not like this is news to anybody.

Jeff: Actually, you know, looking at the picture of It’s Hackin’ Christmas! With Fred, I’m reminded of the face I imagine you making whenever we listen to Mellowmas music. I think I want to buy you the sweater he’s wearing.

Jason: I think I want you to get his haircut.

Jeff: If I buy you that sweater, you can recreate this album cover!

Jason: I’d do it only if you wore a Fred wig and let me take pictures.

Jeff: It’s Fuckin’ Mellowmas! With Jason

Jason: Ugh.

Jeff: So what do you know about Fred? What makes him “cool”?

Jason: I’m glad you asked. I. Don’t. Know. I know he’s supposed to be a six-year-old. That’s the beginning and end of my knowledge.

Jeff: Wait, really?

Jason: Yes.

Jeff: So this guy is like Roberto Benigni in Pinocchio?

Jason: “Fred Figglehorn is a fictional character created and portrayed by American actor Lucas Cruikshank…The videos are centered on Fred Figglehorn, a fictional 6-year-old who has a dysfunctional home life and ‘anger management issues’.”

Jeff: Oh, so he’s Adam Sandler.

Jason: Adam Sandler for the tweens, I guess.

Jeff: I thought Adam Sandler WAS for the tweens. My head hurts.

Jason: Your head hurts now? Try listening to the tracks, fucker!

Jeff: Fred Figglehorn is making me wish it was still the ’90s.

Jason: Oh, you mean when Lucas Crukshank was zero years old?

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: WE ARE SO OLD

Jeff: I watched a few seconds of a clip from the Fred Figglehorn movie, which I think is called Fred: The Movie.

Jason: I hope your kids find Fred, and love him.

Jeff: It sounds like his voice is sped up all the time.

Jason: Yes. That’s on purpose.

Jeff: You know, maybe the Tea Party is right about this country.

Jason: “According to Cruikshank, this effect and the hyperactive appearance of the character are achieved by speeding up the video.”

Jeff: Brilliant! “Cruikshank also says his videos are created using cameras.”

Jason: “The series uses a floating timeline, that is, it is always taking place in the current year, meaning that Fred is perpetually 6 years old, and in Kindergarten. He also has a crush on a girl in his kindergarten classmate named Judy.”

Jeff: Judy Tenuta?

Jason: It’d make sense, wouldn’t it?

Jeff: Fred Figglehorn: Emo Phillips‘ left nut.

Jason: I include this knowledge because you will need it to full “enjoy” today’s Mellowmas track. Judy is the person giving Fred Figglehorn gifts for each of the twelve days of Christmas.

Jeff: I see. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for an accordion.

Jason: I’ll be honest with you, I’m not positive I made it through this entire track.

Jeff: You make it through everything!

Jason: Hey, I made it through the other three songs on this album! I like that iTunes labels it as an “EP.” Like anybody who downloads this album — other than assholes like us — is going to know what that means.

Jeff: Well, my curiosity has been thoroughly piqued. I can’t wait to hear what the kids are listening to for Christmas.

Jason: This came out last year, so they might be over it by now. But sadly, I’m guessing that’s not the case.

Jeff: Dammit.

Jason: Shall we?

Jeff: We shall!

Fred Figglehorn — Fred’s 12 Days of Christmas (download)

From It’s Hackin’ Christmas! With Fred

Jeff: Oh my God.

Jason: I can’t stand this voice.

Jeff: Everything about this is wrong.

Jason: I think he has a thing for squirrels. Which might explain the high-pitched voice.

Jeff: I’m just sitting here with my mouth open.

Jason: I bet your kids would love this.

Jeff: I…

Jason: Oh look, six cats with rabies! Oh great. A little dance break after day six.

Jeff: But…

Jason: Day seven: “Seven moms in rehab.” Appropriate for a six-year-old, Lucas.

Jeff: Wh…

Jason: If you don’t say something substantial, I’m going to make you listen to it again.

Jeff: I can’t understand what’s happening here.

Jason: You sent it to me, asshole!

Jeff: I don’t understand anything about this. It’s melting my brain.

Jason: Up-pitched vocals, Auto-Tune…what don’t you understand? This is the world today. This is what we’ve come to. And you brought us here. YOU. Because you bought it.

Jeff: It’s like someone purposely tried to use modern recording technology to create the most annoying thing in the world.

Jason: You didn’t even steal it. You bought it. Meaning YOU PUT MONEY IN FRED’S POCKET SO HE CAN MAKE MORE OF THESE.

Jeff: Does iTunes have a return policy? Can we just send these files back?

Jason: You could try, but what would be the point? You now live a life where you have heard this track. And where you know all about Fred Figglehorn.

Jeff: For the first time in the history of Mellowmas, I’m sorry I sent you something.

Jason: There’s only one saving grace to this whole thing.

Jeff: Lucas Cruikshank has feline AIDS?

Jason: You’re going to hell.

Jeff: I hope not, because I’m sure that motherfucker is going to be like Elvis there.

Jason: The one saving grace is you’ve made everybody reading this listen to it too.

Jeff: This is one case where misery does not love company. I feel genuine remorse. This is awful, awful, awful.

Jason: Readers, feel free to send Jeff hate mail at this address.

Jeff: My account has been acting up, so you should probably send everything twice.

Jason: Be sure to include this track in the e-mail. Just to remind him.

Jeff: You know, I have a real fondness for bad music, and I find just about everything Mellowmas-related funny. But this song makes me mad. I’m upset that it was recorded, and I’m upset that this fuckhole is famous.

Jason: “Nickelodeon hopes to create a franchise surrounding the character and has committed to a sequel.”

Jeff: I’m upset that grouchy old people who complain about “kids today” have a legitimate argument now.

Jason: “As of November 2010, the Fred channel has received over 101 million channel views, over 642 million video views since its launch, and over 2.0 million channel subscribers, it is listed as the number four all-time most subscribed YouTube channel.” Congrats, Jeff! You helped make this happen!

Jeff: I am so sad. Lucas Cruikshank broke Mellowmas, and this country is doomed.

Jason: See you tomorrow, everybody. But it may be just me showing up. Jeff may be dead by then. Sitting in hell, listening to Fred Figglehorn sing “Hound Dog.”

Jeff: I’m so cold. So very, very cold.

Jason: Full circle. I am satisfied.

Jeff: I’m going to go dump everything in my medicine cabinet into a tumbler, add some bourbon, and hope I wake up remembering none of this.

Jason: In other words, “Thursday night.”

Jeff: This is one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me.

Jason: leprechaun dance