Jason:When was the last time we covered a purely instrumental track, do you remember?
Jeff: I don’t, but I think we should keep going. Let’s see how long we can go without covering one.
Jason: Oh, I disagree.
Jeff: Also, I swear to God, if you found another Singing Saw record I’m going to gut you like a fish.
Jason: Here’s what I remember.
2007: Disco.
Jeff: Yes, which was awful.
Jason: 2008: Singing saw.
…and that’s all I remember.
Jeff: WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH, THANK YOU.
Jason: I could be wrong, but this would mean that we haven’t covered an instrumental for Mellowmas in three years.
Jeff: Let’s make it six! Or sixteen!
Jason: And these posts have a theme, have you noticed?
Jeff: Yes, and I’ve been pointing it out repeatedly.
Jason: Finally, I get to do the leprechaun dance.
Jeff: shakes fist; steam comes out of ears
All right, you ass. What horrible instrumental do you have in store for us today?
Jason: Well, first, a little backstory.
Jeff: I hate it when there’s backstory.
Jason: We have parties at my apartment from time to time. Birthdays, holidays, that kind of thing. There’s often a point where I feel like it’s time for everybody to get out so I can go to sleep. It used to be around 3 or 4 AM, but I’m old now, so it’s usually around 2 AM.
Jeff: When I didn’t have kids and could throw parties, there was a guy I’d always invite for that purpose. He’d just pull his pants down and run around.
Jason: The first few parties we had, people just weren’t leaving. Then, at one party, just for fun, I put on “Hotel California” — but not by the Eagles. By the Moog Cookbook.
Jeff: Moog! The synth whose name doesn’t sound the way it looks!
Jason: And suddenly, everyone was like, “Wow, it’s getting late, I should get going…” And I realized something: Moog makes people head for the hills. Or at least the streets of Queens.
Jeff: It’s the second-most evil synthesizer. After the Theremin.
Jason: So…
In that spirit…
dramatic pause
I present to you a gem from 1969.
Jeff: We already did Mellowmas of ’69!
Jason: The Moog Machine: Christmas Becomes Electric.
Jeff: This is not real.
Jason: Oh, yes it is.
Jeff: Fuck you. THIS IS NOT REAL.
Jason: leprechaun dance
Jeff: But I don’t want to listen to Moog Christmas music!
Jason: I don’t want to listen to ANYTHING you send me! Sit the fuck down and queue up the track I have chosen.
Jeff: “O Holy Night.” How deeply ironic.
Jason: leprechaun dance
Jeff: Get it all out, you bastard. I will have my revenge.
The Moog Machine, “O Holy Night” (download)
Jeff: Are we watching a PBS science documentary from the ’70s?
Jason: wahwahwahwahwahwah
Jeff: I feel like Carl Sagan should start talkin…oh wait, there’s the melody.
Jason: It’s almost singing saw-ish! Two wahwahwahwahwahwahs!
Jeff: Not coincidentally, I’m almost sick!
Jason: Four synths playing now! FIVE!
Do you like it? Say you like it.
Jeff: I WILL NEVER SAY I LIKE IT
Jason: la la la la la la la
Jeff: All this needs is Vanessa Carlton.
Jason: I think there’s like six keyboards now!
Jeff: This has been the longest minute and 50 seconds I can remember spending.
Jason: Waaaaah on your waaaaaaaah
Jeff: I fall on my knees!
Jason: And waaaaaaaaaah the angel wahhhhhhhhhhh
Jeff: I hear the synths’ voices!
Jason: oh, wahhhhhhhhhh
Jeff: O night divine!
Jason: when waaaaah was waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
Jeff: The night when Jason gets hit by a train!
Well, UGH.
Jason: Oh, come on! It wasn’t that bad!
Jeff: Not compared to some of the other stuff we’ve listened to, or getting mugged. But was there anything remotedly Christmasy about it? No. No there was not.
Jason: What? The melody was all there!
Jeff: That isn’t the point and you know it!
Jason: So if I’m hearing you correctly, you feel like you want something more Christmasy in your Moog. Because I can make this happen.
Jeff: You are NOT hearing me correctly, and I want Moog OUT of my Christmas. “Moog” and “Christmas” are antonyms.
Jason: Huh. I think Gmail is trying to get your attention.
Jeff: You stupid dick. “The Moog Noel.”
Jason: PLAY IT
Jeff: At least this one is less than 90 seconds long. I’m strong enough!
The Moog Machine, “The First Noel” (download)
Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jason: The first waaaaaaahhhhh
Jeff: This sounds like a greeting card!
Jason: the waaaaaah did waaaaaaaahhhh
Jeff: Oh, I just got queasy. That shift, or whatever the hell happened a few seconds ago — I’d say it went out of tune, but that doesn’t seem appropriate.
Jason: There’s like a steel drum-y synth now! BORN IS THE WAAAAH OF IS-WAHHHHH-EL
Jeff: I feel like I’m trapped in a toy store after dark, and no one can hear me screaming for help.
Jason: Good. Now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
Jeff: The scary Poltergeist clown is choking me, Jason! I can’t breathe.
Waaaaaah waaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhggghghghh.
Jason: Yaaaaaay!
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