A special Valentine’s Day edition of our ongoing advice column in which readers ask Circa 1982 ”John Cougar,” a pop singer, good ol’ boy, and immortal shapeshifting demigod for help in solving their romantic quandaries and peccadilloes.  (Previous columns here and here.)

Dear John Cougar:

I want to make a grand romantic gesture for my boyfriend for Valentines Day, but I live in a small town and there aren’t a lot of options here. Any ideas?

I got a real, real original type idea. First, ol’ John Cougar, who is from a small town if you didn’t know that, thinks you should go up to that water tower you got in that town, cause you live in a small town, and it sure as stink got itself a water tower. Then you paint your special lady’s name up on that water tower in that dang ol’ small town, as there is no bigger thing of romanticalizin’ then somethin’ that has never been done before, which ain’t no small feat in Pudwater, Indiana, which is where your letter what said you were from. By the by, if’n you have heard of a young lady named Mary Ellen Frunkbunk? She hails from Pudwater, and I am reasonably sure that she is one of ol’ John Cougar’s mess of lost daughters. Let her know that her earth-daddy is lookin’ real hard for her and wants her to come on home to East Pudwater real soon like.


Dear John Cougar:

Help! I promised my girlfriend that I’d make him a special dinner for Valentine’s Day…but I don’t know how to cook! What are some romantic foods that are also easy to prepare?

If’n John Cougar has learned one thing about the women-folk in my 5,000 years on this here ball of tobaccy spit, it’s that a lady likes it when a fella acts like a lady, talkin’ about and fakin’ his feelings so as to pass as a human, and also when he cooks up a whole messa food the way a woman usually ought do and does. This here men-yoo’s a guaranteed panty buster.

“¢ Toast up some bread in the fire then put some mayonnaise on it. In my hometown (it is a small town), we call that Indiana Caviar. (If’n you are a fancy boy, use up some Miracle Wipp instead of the mayonnaise, and you’ve got herself Indiana Steak Tartare.)

“¢ Find yourself a squirrel and use your electrical eyes-power what to stun him with then run a stick up his insides from brain to butt and cook him up real good with your electrical eyes-power.

“¢ Feed your lady up a heart from a romantical animal so as to show romance feelings, and also so she can gain its power. You should use a rabbit, a unicorn, or a human-man’s.

“¢ Turnips cause they is red like Valentines hearts.


Dear John Cougar:

I’ve met the love of my life, and I think I’m ready to propose. I want to do it on Valentine’s Day, so do you have any good, non-trite proposal suggestions?

Ol’ John Cougar don’t believe in no marriage. Don’t need no piece of paper or some old lady keepin’ me down. Ol’ John Cougar gotta be free to plant his seed. Course, y’all can’t be like me and put a lady in a trance with your powers or R-O-C-K fanny shakin’ in the USA. You gotta ask her right proper, and say, ”Baby, you and your youngins’ gonna come live in my barn and if you don’t like it then you can kiss this sweet fanny shakin’ good-bye forever” and then shake your fanny real good so she knows.


Dear John Cougar:

All my friends are going out with their husbands and boyfriends on Valentine’s Day. How do I feel less lonely?

Valentine’s Day don’t mean much to this ol’ pop singer. Ever since a donkey with a human face and what had no ability nor care to settle down done broke ol’ John Cougar’s heart what from in biblical times, ol’ John Cougar ain’t got no use for no love day. It’s just another day. Most Febawary 14, I go fight me a bear or something like that.


Private reply to ”Anonymous”: Y’all don’t worry about that none. We done tried to revive her and we couldn’t. I even what done gave her a taste of my blood what usually does the trick. Y’all can’t let that eat you up as you got presidentin’ and sirin’ your deathless spawn to attend to. It’s just like when we used to electric shock them fishes with our minds when we was boys, back before you was become the president, Grover Cleveland, I mean anonymous.

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