If you’re holding your breath for the day MTV starts playing music videos again, let it go. It’s never going to happen, not ever. No, never, no way, no how.

But who needs MTV in the digital age? We’re here, the time’s right, and the videos are waiting for us. This week’s list was democratically determined by the Popdose Staff. The terms were simple. The songs that get the most votes get the spots, except for the #1 of the year. So set the way-way-back machine for 1990, get rid of those stupid shoulder pads, leave the schmutz in your hair ’cause it’s cheaper than gel and start wondering about whether flannel will be the next big trend. It’s time to rock.

Depeche Mode – Enjoy The Silence: Yes, I know. Twin Towers. It’s hard to avoid ’em in this video, but I ask that our readers merely pretend Depeche Mode is standing on Spinal Tap’s miniature  Stonehenge. That won’t make it any less creepy, but creepy in a whole other way.

Aerosmith – Janie’s Got A Gun: With this video and Madonna’s “Oh Father,” director David Fincher was cornering the market on music videos about child abusers. Also note the prominent use of dudes in hats before backlighting, presaging Det. Somerset in Seven.  Also note Steven Tyler’s big mouth, presaging Steven Tyler’s big mouth.

Madonna – Vogue: After this, Madonna would cast herself into farther channels of scandal with the Erotica album and the Sex book. The generally given reason was that she was incurably horny. The truth is that she had a hell of a case of psoriasis and clothes made her itchy. Now, aren’t you ashamed for being judgmental?

Tom Petty – Free Fallin’: Or as we like to say around these parts, the opening salvo of the Electric Heartbreaker Orchestra.

Janet Jackson – Rhythm Nation: I miss Janet Jackson. Yes, I know she’s still around, but watch this video and you’ll be missing Miss Jackson much as well.

Digital Underground – The Humpty Dance: Humpty Hump, or Mr. Greg “Shock G” Jacobs, is the cousin of Morris Day of The Time. At least, that’s what Wikipedia says. Do you know what Wikipedia doesn’t say? Anything About Popdose! Wikipedia article writers, who ya gotta humpty hump to get a mention?!

Soul II Soul – Back To Life: Prior to checking the list of what to vote from, the Popdose Staff was dreading 1990, buying into the commonly held belief this was the year everything turned to crap. Surprisingly, it seems to be a very strong year. If only Caron Wheeler and Soul II Soul managed to get out of the haunted house of the turn of the decade. Alas, they did not, and they remain behind those crusty walls, wondering how the hell Vanilla Ice can still work the Memory Lane circuit and they can’t.

Biz Markie – Just A Friend: Just a bust.

(Rhino Entertainment, why? Why Rhino, why? To watch this unembeddable video, go here).

B-52s – Roam: We’re still trying to work out the ’89 to ’90 crossover as the B-52s charted with the same album between the two. That’s our excuse for why “Love Shack” appeared last week and “Roam” appears this week. Like you can do better.

Faith No More – Epic: Lead singer Mike Patton has said in interviews that this song is about jerking off. Now, try to interpret that via this video. Not Sexy At All.

And your #1 song for 1990 is…

Wilson Phillips – Hold On: Last time we said something discourteous about Chynna Phillips, a Baldwin chastised us in the comments. At least, we think it was a Baldwin. Our Baldwin Detection Technology has been due for a firmware upgrade for a long, long time. Add to that the clinical proof that Baldwins multiply like rabbits on Viagra while drunk and watching far too much pornography and, well, we’re talking a busload of Baldwins here, people.

Heh, heh, heh. “Baldwins.”

And our #1 song for 1990 is, passing Depeche Mode by a whisker…

Sinead O’Connor – Nothing Compares 2 U: From Baldwins to a bald one. Tony Redman for the win – “It occurs to me that Prince was talking text-speak long before texting existed.”

In our next pulse-pounding chapter, will the dreaded Nineties finally present us with a totally unlistenable batch of tracks? Will Bryan Adams do everything he do, do it for you, while Timmy T sexes up Color Me Badd? Which level of Hell would Dante categorize this as? Come back next week, if you dare!!

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Popdose Staff

Some days won't end ever, and some days pass on by. We'll be working here forever, at least until we die. Working for a living, living and working, taking what they're giving 'cause we're working for a living.

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