Just a week left until Christmas, everybody – as if all this terrible music wasn’t a nagging reminder!

Neil Diamond – Happy Christmas (War Is Over) (download or stream below)
From The Christmas Album Amazon iTunes


[audio: Diamond – Happy Christmas (War Is Over).mp3]

Jason: Wow, THAT’S a lower key.

Jeff: Kids!

Jason: You know, I still have a soft part in my heart for this song. The original. Nobody should ever cover it. Ever.

Jeff: That’s like starting a fight by kicking someone in the nuts. He just whips out the schmaltz cannon right away.

Jason: “Yeah, hope you have fun!”

Jeff: And SO this is ChristMAS!

Jason: I love how he speaks the end of most of his lines.

Jeff: Have I mentioned how much I hate Neil Diamond’s music?

Jason: “The Jazz Singer” was one of the first movies I remember loving, actually. I was six. I can’t believe I just admitted that.

Jeff: Of all the horrible things you’ve told me about your childhood, that might be the worst.

Jason: I’m going to regret it, I know.

Jeff: Even doing this wonderful song, he sounds like he’s standing in a stadium, legs spread, pointing at the sweaty housewives in the front row.

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Horns! “COME ON! ” I wonder who the kids are. I wonder if they’re the same kids Kenny and Dolly used.

Jeff: Maybe they’re all Neil’s.

Jason: Oooh, Neil’s getting gritty!

Jeff: Fucking hell, this sounds like a Neil Diamond parody.

Jason: Yeah. I feel like the message and emotion behind this song has been sucked out.

Jeff: I don’t know how that makes it different from actual Neil Diamond. Actually, I guess it doesn’t.

Jason: Oh shit, adults AND kids on the backing vocals!

Jason: How many fucking times is he going to say “Come on?” Oooh, electric guitar!

Jeff: He’s trying to out-Cliff Richard Cliff Richard.

Jason: YES! That’s perfect, Jeff. He kicked out the kids! They’re gone now!

Jeff: I feel sick.

Jason: Shit, how many voices are going to show up? He’s going to close it with the kids! “Yes it is.” Oooh, and he’s not changing that last chord. How…edgy. Santa on the rocks. Ain’t no big surprise.

Jeff: That song made my son cry. I love my son.

Jason: Jesus, he has two Christmas albums. And a video.

Jeff: Where’s the Hanukkah love, Neil DIAMOND?

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: You fuckin’ sellout!

Jason: Nobody buys Hanukkah albums! Well, except for you.

Jeff: Who buys Neil Diamond albums? The same idiots who’d buy his Hanukkah record.

Jason: And speaking of which, we have Christmas songs and even a Kwanzaa song – but no Hanukkah represented!

Jeff: You know why?

Jason: Because you hate the Jews?

Jeff: I’ll tell you why.

Jason: Tell me why.

Jeff: It’s very simple. There are no shitty Hanukkah songs.

Jason: …there aren’t?

Jeff: None.

Jason: You’ve actually listened to a bunch, haven’t you.

Jeff: I have, in fact. I’m an ardent supporter of Hanukkah music.

Jason: I refuse to believe it. Readers, help us out. Prove Jeff wrong. Send him a shitty Hanukkah song.

Jeff: But it has to be shitty like these ones are shitty.

Jason: And if you send him “Rock of Ages” by Marc Cohn, he’ll start to cry. He has such a boner for that song. Hahah, I totally outed you as gay for Marc Cohn’s Jewish music.

Jeff: I won’t deny it. It’s true. I love that song.

Jason: Why don’t you marry Marc Cohn, then. You guys can have a nice Jewish wedding. He’ll even let you step on the glass.

Jeff: I did that at my wedding.

Jason: Marc Cohn let you step on the glass at your wedding? You married Marc Cohn? Now I feel sick.

Jeff: I performed one of his songs.

Jason: Was it “Rock Of Ages?” And were you able to get through it without crying?

Jeff: Ha!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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