Happy Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas! Just eight days until Christmas…and then this will all be over. Until then, just grin and bear it while Jeff and I devolve into perverse sexual references and mocking each other’s mom.

Felix Cavaliere – Christmas In Your Arms (download or stream below)
From A Classic Rock Christmas Amazon iTunes


[audio: Cavaliere – Christmas in Your Arms.mp3]

Jason: Hahahahah! I don’t know why that opening made me laugh.

Jeff: It’s an involuntary reflex. Like gagging. Which is what I did when the vocals came in.

Jason: The acoustic guitars were nice, but the synths? Totally unnecessary. This song has nothing to do with Christmas, I bet.

Jeff: “Christmas in your arms is my dream.”

Jason: He probably just inserted “Christmas” instead of whatever word was there before. Like “my balls.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes!

Jason: “My balls in your arms is my dream.”

Jeff: “A Cleveland Steamer.”

Jason: “A Donkey Punch.”

Jeff: “A Dirty Sanchez.” “A One-Eyed Redskin.”

Jason: Whoa, I don’t know that one!…Wait, are we just naming gross things now?

Jeff: I think we are.

Jason: I’m waiting for a Christmas-specific lyric. There isn’t one yet.

Jeff: This song is stupid.

Jason: Wait, he just said something about…spices. And he just said “the THOUGHT that I’ll be near you,” and I could have sworn he said “FUCK that I’ll be near you.” Oooh, acoustic guitar solo!

Jeff: VERY tasteful. I wish he’d shut up.

Jason: I don’t even know who this guy is. Do we call him when JosÁ© Feliciano can’t make it to the studio?

Jeff: I think his kid was a child guitar prodigy.

Jason: It’s time to cherish all the love you’ve given my balls. I mean, me.

Jeff: Do not ask me why I think this.

Jason: With a name like Felix Cavaliere, can you do anything else but play guitar?

Jeff: Ha! I’d like to play this song for every woman I know, and ask them how they’d react if a guy performed it for them. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

Jason: Dude, when I hear those synths going in and out of the left/right channels, I get a little nauseous. There was very little that was Christmasy about that song.

Jeff: You’re just saying that because he’s Mexican.

Jason: Again with you trying to make me into a racist for no apparent reason. Is this because I said that the Pendergrass song sounded like it was “Congo” by Genesis?

Jeff: If your main concern is that the reason isn’t apparent, why don’t you just come out and tell everyone what the reason is? Go ahead.

Jason: No, you tell me. I want to know. Also, I don’t really know what we’re talking about or where this came from. So lay it on me, Jefito Claus.

Jeff: I’m not telling everyone about what happened between your mother and the gardener. That’s your secret to share.

Jason: You’ve been watching too much “Desperate Housewives.”

Jeff: Either way, I totally understand why you’re a racist.

Jason: I can tell them what happened with me and your mother. Stuffing of the stocking was involved. Something was hung by the chimney with care.

Jeff: That didn’t make you a racist. It just made you take penicillin for awhile.

Jason: A while?

Jeff: Oh, still?

Jason: She packs a powerful punch.

Jeff: Well. Make sure you finish your prescription.

Jason: Wait. Are we talking about my mom or your mom? I get so confused.

Jeff: I think we’re talking about Felix Cavaliere and why he sucks.

Jason: Oh, that’s right. Thank you.

Jeff: Happy Mellowmas, everyone!

Jason: …and scene!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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