Day Eleven of Mellowmas is here! Hark, the herald Bolton swings!

Michael Bolton -Joy To The World (download or stream below)
From Swingin’ Christmas Amazon iTunes


[audio: Bolton – Joy To The World.mp3]

Jason: Wow! How can this suck already?

Jeff: Why does he have to shout everything?


Jeff: He always sounds like he’s having his prostate examined.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus! His vocal just threw me back in my chair and smacked me around. It’s like he’s ordering me to let Earth receive her King.

Jeff: And heav-EEEEEEEEN

Jason: Apparently me not letting heaven and nature sing is not an option.

Jeff: Swingin’!

Jason: Oooh yeah! I’m tapping my foot! If only I could jam it in my ear!

Jeff: Ugh. I wish Frank Sinatra would rise from the dead and kick Bolton’s ass. Although I guess if he was going to do that, he would have done it after Bolton did Bolton Swings Sinatra last year.

Jason: Oh shit! Choir! That’s a gospel choir, isn’t it. All those singers. All of them now evil in the eyes of God.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: Why does Michael Bolton think he’s black?

Jeff: I wish, if Bolton had to do another Christmas record, he would have just turned some of his old hits into carols. And not pooped all over good songs.

Jason: If Kenny G shows up on this track, I’m going to be very, very upset.

Jeff: “How Can We Be Naughty If We Can’t Be Nice,” for instance.

Jason: I don’t even know these verses. I’m assuming they’re real.

Jeff: I’m assuming they’re English.

Jason: Hey, can you imagine Bolton singing “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas?”

Jeff: I’m sure he’d belt it out with the utmost conviction.

Jason: Jeff, are you letting heaven and nature sing?

Jeff: Quiet again!

Jason: Oh, right. Sorry. Shhh.

Jeff: Do you think Bolton owns a reindeer sweater?

Jason: It’s over?

Jeff: I think you mean “It’s over!”

Jason: All that and he ended it softly?

Jeff: “Let heaven and nature sing!”

Jason: Did you? Did you let heaven and nature sing? I mean both of them. Not just one.

Jeff: I tried to, but I couldn’t hear anything over Bolton’s yelling.

Jason: If I find out you just let heaven sing, and completely ignored nature…we’re listening to it again.

Jeff: No! No! I heard them both!

Jason: That’s RIGHT, you heard them both.

Jeff: phew

Jason: I have a cousin who didn’t behave this year. I may put this in
his stocking. Although that’s a bit harsh.

Jeff: Do you really want that on your conscience?

Jason: No, no, you’re right.

Jeff: I mean, if he slept with your wife, maybe.

Jason: I’m feeling sadistic. Wanna listen to it again?

Jeff: Never. Don’t forget, I had to review this.

Jason: I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait until you’re sleeping. Then, very quietly, I’m going to creep into the room. Nevermind how I got keys to your house.

Jeff: And take my son? Please. Take my son.

Jason: No, you’re stuck with that crying lil’ menace. I’m going to get a set of speakers and put them right next to your head. Then I’m going to turn the volume up as high as it will go. I’m going to start this track. And I’m going to watch how fast you jump out of bed, and hopefully take a photo of the look of sheer terror on your face.

Jeff: I’m changing the locks. And phoning the constable.

Jason: It’s either that or I throw a bucket of ice cold water on you. I think you’d prefer the water.

Jeff: You think? I think I’d prefer boiling water.

Jason: What would you prefer: Bolton or a swift kick in the junk?

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: Choose, but choose wisely.

Jeff: Which is worse: Bolton or French-kissing your grandmother?

Jason: My grandmother or your grandmother? I just want to be specific here.

Jeff: Bolton’s grandmother!

Jason: HA HA HA!

Jeff: And Jim Nabors has to watch.

Jason: While Daryl Dragon does the soundtrack!

Jeff: …and scene!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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