We bet you didn’t even know that Little River Band released a Christmas CD this year!Á‚  Well, now you know.Á‚  Please, thank us later.

Little River Band — Mary’s Christmas (download)

From We Call It Crap Christmas Amazon

Jeff: Ooh, pretty!

Jason: Pretty piano opening.

Jeff: Nice guitar. And here’s the dildo singer to ruin it all.

Jason: She was an ordinary girl who…oh, no.

She was an ordinary girl who loved a carpenter
Now they’re makin’ wedding plans
She knows he could leave her there to bear the shame
But he’s not that kinda man.

Oh, fuck. What the hell are they talking about? What is this, some contemporary Christmas story?

Jeff: They’re totally turning the baby Jesus story into a red-state tale of premarital sex woe!

Jason: “It will be a miracle if they can get through this.” Are they talking about us?

Jeff: Joseph is just some poor bastard who’s gotten roped into raising Mary’s bastard baby!

Jason: Hey, it’s HER Christmas, dude.

Jeff: True, true. Is that why she’s guzzling Schapps even though she’s nine months pregnant?

Jason: Oh my god. They’re talking about rumors spreading.

Jeff: This is AWFUL.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: They just did the bit about Mary being told her baby will be a king one day, but tonight he’s just her baby, and the world will have to wait.

Jason: And who do we blame? I mean, Little River Band doesn’t even have any of the original members, right?

Jeff: This makes Barry’s song look restrained. Soaring guitar solo! Gearshift! FUCK YOU, LITTLE RIVER BAND!

Jason: They rhyme “Christmas” with “sure just.” Who DOES that?

Jeff: We call them dried-up has-beens.

Jason: “Just an ordinary girl who loved a carpenter.”

Jeff: Oh, that was foul.

Jason: Thank god they repeated that line.

Jeff: Yeah.

Jason: Because I had almost forgotten how much it irritated me the first time around.

Jeff: I do believe I detected the distinctive odor of the pro-life movement in those lyrics, too.

Jason: I played this for Jessica and she said, “this is offensive to…absolutely everybody.”

Jeff: It takes a special kind of dickweed to insert your political beliefs into a holiday song, doesn’t it?

Jason: (stares at Judy Collins)

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Careful — I’ve heard that if you look her directly in the eyes, you turn to stone.

Jason: Hold on, I’m squeezing toothpaste into my eyes.

Jeff: Anyway, back to this shitty band. Are all the original members gone? Who can we blame for writing this terrible piece of dreck?

Jason: Hold on, I’ll get the CD. It’s under a few banana peels in the kitchen garbage.

Jeff: That was a gift!

Jason: I’m re-gifting it! To the kids that were bombed in Sarajevo!

Jeff: Haven’t they suffered enough? Rivers of blood, fire raining from the sky, AND the Shitty River Band?

Jason: Music credits go to “Elenburg, Helton, Swain.” Who are “Elenburg, Helton, Swain”?

Jeff: I’m trying to get their address. No luck. They must be pseudonyms.

Jason: Smart move. Plus, this CD has no UPC code, no record label information…

Jeff: All I know is, if I ever meet anyone with any of those last names, I’m kicking them in the junk.

Jason: So the oldest member of the band, I believe, is Wayne Nelson, who is the bassist and sings lead vocals.

Jeff: But is he a founding member?

Jason: Oh, of course not. He joined in 1980, 5 years after the band formed.

Jeff: That’s hilarious.

Jason: The band started in Australia, but i’m not sure any Australians are in it. Nelson is from Rome, Illinois. A suburb of Peoria. “Song for Peoria.”

Jeff: I’m looking at a LRB message board thread about this album.

Jason: Oh yeah?

Jeff: “I just checked thier website, and there’s no original members left! I’ll take a pass on this…”

Jason: Ha ha ha! I know what’s going to happen next. We’re going to get one of those “LRB are GREAT! You’re just jealous!” comments.

Jeff: Oh, I hope so. I’d love to talk to a LRB fan and find out what makes them tick. Other than light beer and generic cigarettes.

Jason: Okay, so I found this about the disc: “We chose songs written by a diverse group of writers – from Kenny Loggins to Keb Mo, from Neil Diamond to Mariah Carey.”

Jeff: What?

Jason: I’m serious!

Jeff: Oh shit, they do “Celebrate Me Home”!

Jason: Yeah. It’s not good. Kenny’s version was at least a little soulful. Not this version. I will tell you that their version of “Silent Night” starts out as a guitar instrumental, and is absolutely awesome. No joke.

Jeff: If this was an instrumental album, I think I might like it.

Jason: But then they add vocals and shit and they turn it to crap. And their version of “‘Til the Season Comes ‘Round Again” is also quite nice. There are a few songs on there that aren’t too bad, to be honest.

Jeff: God, you’re really into the giving spirit of Mellowmas, aren’t you?

Jason: “Mary’s Christmas,” however, is…well, you know. Have you listened to the rest of the CD?

Jeff: I hear “Mary’s Christmas” and I never want to listen to another LRB song again.

Jason: Have you?

Jeff: No!

Jason: What the FUCK, Jeff? I’ve listened to EVERY SINGLE SONG you’ve sent me for Mellowmas consideration! EVERY SINGLE ONE! I listened to the ENTIRE Jarreau CD. And all of Judy Collins.

Jeff: Well, you know, you made a mistake, which was telling me which song you wanted us to do from this album. This is the only one I haven’t listened to all of, if it makes you feel better.

Jason: It doesn’t. Listen to all of it and then I’ll feel better.

Jeff: Having heard “Mary’s Christmas,” I can understand why it doesn’t make you feel better.

Jason: Especially listen to “Jesus, Oh What a Wonderful Child” or “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” which is a song that just never, ever, ever needs to be covered.

Jeff: Especially by some hacks using someone else’s band name.

Jason: The original members of the band lost the rights to the name. So they have to tour under their last names.

Jeff: That’s almost as sad as “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jason: Which, as you can imagine, sells MILLIONS of tickets. I wonder if they would have the balls to rhyme “Christmas” with “sure just”?

Jeff: If I started a band, and it sold some records, and then some other asswipes went and stole the name for shit like this, I don’t think I’d have the energy to do much other than cry.

Jason: Just an ordinary girl who loved a carpenter, Jeff.

Oh, wait! Maybe the lyric is “Just an ordinary girl who loved a Carpenter.” Maybe she’s talking about Richard?

Jeff: …Or Karen! The love that dares not speak its name!

Jason: Oooh, lesbian gearshift! I like it!

Jeff: Ooh, “Mary’s Christmas” just got a whole lot better!

Jason: There’s a joke to be made here about a Christmas bush, I just know it.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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