We try not to repeat artists we’ve covered in years past during The 25 Days of Mellowmas, but today we make an exception. We had to. Look at that album cover below.Á‚  Look at stupid, smug Michael Bolton.Á‚  Look how he’s taunting us, almost saying, “take your best shot, assholes.”Á‚  Mr. Bolton, the gauntlet has been thrown!

Michael Bolton — Silent Night (download)


From SwinginÁ¢€â„¢ Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: So gentle and pretty. And Bolton isn’t even shouting!

Jason: Didn’t we cover Bolton last year?

Jeff: I feel like we did, yeah. Maybe it was “Silent Night.”

Jason: No, we didn’t do this one. Last year he was yelling at us. Now he’s just kind of whimpering soulfully.

Jeff: I can take a little Bolton when it’s restrained like this.

Jason: This isn’t that bad, actually. Oooh, falsetto!

Jeff: I do miss the mullet on the cover. He looks a little too respectable.

Jason: I don’t hate this too much. I mean, it’s still Bolton, but it’s really not bad.

Jeff: Wait, do you hear that? He’s starting to fuck around with the melody.

Jason: A little, yes.

Jeff: He’s starting…he’s starting to yell.

Jason: I think we’re going to get some more.

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah!

Jason: Here it comes, on “Christ…”

Jeff: Why does he do this every time?

Jason: Because he’s really, really angry, Jeff. KEY CHANGE!

Jeff: Dude, he just hummed a little before he yelled “Silent night.”

Jason: He did? There’s the swing in “Swingin’ Christmas!” LOVE’S PURE LIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!

Jeff: I tell you what, though: I am literally wishing for a silent night right now.

Jason: It’s like he’s saying, “now you’re all in big, big trouble.” Does Michael Bolton have kids?

Jeff: Oh, imagine if he did? See? More humming!

Jason: Yup, there it is. He got quiet again at the end.

Jeff: Bolton just gave us a hummer!

Jason: This is like a psychological mind-fuck. This is probably what he does with Nicolette. He’s all gentle, then he fucking freaks out, and then he’s quiet again. And she’s stuck there going, “wait, what just happened?”

Jeff: I think you may have unlocked the source of Bolton’s mysterious appeal. He lures the bitches in, scares them half to death, and then soothes them. I wonder if anyone has written a thesis about his music. I’d like to see his shout-to-sing ratio plotted out on a graph.

Jason: I imagine it probably got higher after the mid-’90s. Look at the cover. Doesn’t it look like that star is going right into his head?

Jeff: There’s room for a galaxy in there.

Jason: It’s like it had a mission — “destroy the mullet” — and then got all confused when it got there. Like Nicolette. Poor Nicolette.

Jeff: She knew what she was getting into.

Jason: He probably starts singing this shit in October.

Jeff: Are you kidding? He probably squeezed this out in one take between rounds of golf in April.

Jason: Still, I have to be honest. That was nowhere near as bad as it could’ve been, really. The arrangement was pretty classy. Yeah, he got a little pissy in the middle, but still, we could have gotten it so much worse. It’s like he tapped us on the head a little instead of punching us in the teeth.

Jeff: No, that’s what’s frustrating about Bolton. He has a modicum of talent, and enough dough to afford real producers and musicians, but he insists on screwing things up — and not in a really interesting way. Kind of like that Air Supply record we listened to during our first Mellowmas.

Jason: I still remember that one! “Love Is All.”

Jeff: I can’t believe you remember the title.

Jason: Yeah, me neither. Sad, isn’t it?

Jeff: I’m sorry, what did you say? I can’t stop staring at that star next to Bolton’s head now. I think it’s talking to me.

Jason: I don’t know how I feel about this one. I mean, I’m not surprised like I was last year with Carrack, but I’m not throwing it out the window with Little River Band and Judy Collins, either.

Jeff: Man, I bet Bolton could sing the fuck out of “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jason: Seriously! And he’d yell just loud enough for me to make a donation. He’d probably set off the landmines with his voice.

Jeff: That would be the best Mellowmas present ever.

Jason: What, Bolton thousands and thousands of miles away, dodging landmines? Agreed.

Jeff: Who said anything about dodging them?

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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