Jason: Good day, sir! I present a challenge to you.

Jeff: I do not accept! Goodbye.

Jason: You get back here right now! You know damn well we have approximately a million days left of this wretched celebration.

Jeff: *weeps, gnashes*

Jason: It’s too late to turn back now, Jeff. I believe, I believe, I believe you’re knee-deep in craaaaap.

Jeff: That sounds like the chorus to a song I’d much rather be listening to than whatever it is you’ve got planned for us.

Jason: Here’s my challenge. I’m going to tell you this band’s name, and you can’t make any mother jokes.

Jeff: Ooooooooh.

Jason: Toehider.

Jeff: *bites tongue clean off*

Jason: Tough, right?

Jeff: I’m sorry, did you say…Toehider?

Jason: I did. Do you know anything about Toehider?

Jeff: That sounds like the spot where sex and fungus meet. Might as well be Mellowmas, I guess.

Jason: You are flying DANGEROUSLY close to a mother joke, Jeff. You’re on warning.

Jeff: *clears throat, sits up straight*

Jason: Would you like me to tell you about Toehider?

Jeff: Is it the name of a peaceful little town far, far away from here?

Jason: Beats me. The truth is, I don’t know a damn thing about Toehider.

Jeff: It can’t possibly be hard to Google.

Jason: I would advise against it. You’ll probably pull up pictures of…shit, I almost fell into my own trap!

Jeff: Aha! They’re an Australian band. Australians seem like nice people, as long as you aren’t an Aborigine.

“Australia’s most prolific progressive rock act.” OH NO. So this is like Yes with kangaroos?

Jason: So…many…mother…jokes…

Jeff: Oh, this link here says they’re influenced by Queen. You’re going to love this.

Jason: Let’s listen to “Under the Mistletoe”!

Jeff: Hey, sleigh bells! How clever.

Jason: You just know something good is coming!

Jeff: Oh no! Stop! Stop it!

Jason: Yaaaaaaay!


Jason: I’m clapping along! These guys are AWESOME!


Jason: I think Mika might be in this band. HEY HEY HEY!

Jeff: I think someone melted a Darkness record over an open flame. This is not fun. I don’t want this to keep going.

Jason: I kind of LOVE THIS.

Jeff: You’re insane.

Jason: I think he just said something about a cat being inside?

Jeff: The song, combined with the logo, is making me feel like I’m inside a nightmare.

Jason: Come on, Jeff! This is fun! WHEEEEE! Piano!

Oooh, interlude-y!

Jeff: I think if this had no vocals, I might like it. The arrangement is pretty clever.

Jason: It takes skill to sing like this! WHOA! There are some SERIOUS vocals going on right now!

Jeff: Yeah, these guys were serious about the Queen thing.

Jason: This part totally is ripped off from Queen II. It’s right out of “March of the Black Queen.” I wonder if I should put this on the Christmas mix I make for my grandma this year.

Jeff: How eager are you to inherit?

That was skillfully assembled, I have to admit. I didn’t like it one bit, but it took some chops.

Jason: Would you like to hear them yell “Carol of the Bells” right in your freaking face?

Jeff: I would not!

Jason: Too bad!

Jeff: Oh, goddammit. Are you making me listen to the “choral” or “rock” version?

Jason: What the hell, we can do both!


Jason: Let’s start with choral!

Jeff: Oh good, it’s only 1:17!

Jason: That just blew my hair back. And shaved off my eyebrows.

Jeff: Stop yelling at me, Toehider!

Jason: Those are some high, high notes, Jeff.

Jeff: Oh, wow…that high part. This guy makes the lead singer of Steelheart sound like Barry White.

Jason: How do they do it? I feel like I’d sing this once and then I’d never be able to actually sing again.

Jeff: I wish that were true of Toehider!

Jason: Okay, now the rock version!

Jeff: *braces self*


Jeff: You have lost your Mellowmas mind.

Jason: I know! I love it!

Jeff: I bet my son would like this. I bet he’d run around screaming just like Toehider.

Jason: I am totally on board with this. I would headbang if I wasn’t so very old. I’m a fan.

Jeff: I mean, I guess it’s probably better than a lot of the stuff we listen to at Mellowmas. But it’s so aggressive, Jason! We just met Toehider, and here they are, rocking our faces off.

Jason: My face feels more rocked than it’s been in quite some time. This is what happens when your holiday is filled with Zendaya. You’re just not prepared.

Jeff: Toehider: Australian for Mellowmas.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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