Jeff: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the fifth day of Mellowmas!

Jason: My favorite day of all Mellowmas days!

Jeff: No kidding! I never knew.

Jason: Just kidding. Each one is worse than the one that preceded it. My favorite day of Mellowmas is December 26th.

Jeff: Hey, speaking of which, today we’re going back in Mellow time. All the way to 1974!

Jason: No way!

Jeff: When I was just a wee Jefito, and you were…wait, how does your dad put it?

Jason: Oh no.

Jeff: Something about something running down someone’s leg. I forget.

Jason: I’ve blocked it out of my memory, but that sounds about right. calls therapist

Jeff: Anyway, that isn’t important. What’s important is that, for some reason, this year we have a Gilbert O’Sullivan reissue for Mellowmas.

Jason: That’s AMAZING! When we started Mellowmas, the original idea was that we’d be covering holiday songs by Mellow Gold artists — until we found out that the Christmas music craze didn’t hit during the Mellow years.

Jeff: I’m not sure why we didn’t know about this sooner, but Gilbert recorded a Christmas song in 1974.

Jason: hangs head in shame

Jeff: Actually, no, I see why we didn’t know about it — it never charted here. Because America had rightly moved on from Gilbert O’Sullivan by 1974.

Jason: You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, Jeff.

Jeff: The Mellow dead. Are you still getting hate mail for your column about Greg Guidry or whoever that was?

Jason: Thankfully, no. redials therapist

Jeff: It doesn’t matter, because Gilbert O’Sullivan is STILL ALIVE. Still making music, even. I think his last record was called Gilbertland. I’m hoping it’s all duets with Gilbert Gottfried.

Jason: “Gilbertland” sounds like the least popular tourist destination in the UK, ten years running. I think it’d be funny if you called your nether regions “Gilbertland.”

Jeff: Sorry, it’s Gilbertville. But that would be funny too.

Jason: You were all “Hey, baby. Welcome to Gilbertville. Parking is validated.”

Jeff: Also funny is the series of dashes on the Wikipedia page where chart peaks are supposed to go.

Jason: Some of his song titles are so sad.

“Hello, It’s Goodbye”
“I Love It But”

Jeff: Nothing is sadder than 2004’s The Berry Vest of Gilbert O’Sullivan. Maybe I only think that’s sad because I happen to own a berry vest, courtesy of your stupid ass.

Jason: Liberace dance

Jeff: On the cover, there’s a picture of a tank top with some berries silk-screened on it.

Jason: Other awesome titles: “I Wish I Could Cry”
“Lost a Friend”
“Bear With Me”

Jeff: “No Matter How Hard I Try”
“Why Oh Why Oh Why”

Jason: “Underneath the Blanket Go.” ewwwww!

Jeff: Oh God! And “Two’s Company (Three Is Allowed)”

Jason: Isn’t that your mom’s welcome mat?

Jeff: I think it’s actually “(Three Is 30 Percent Off),” but close enough. ANYWAY. Gilbert Sad Sack O’Sullivan recorded a Christmas song, and we’re here to listen to it. I figured this would be right up your alley, even though your mines of mellow gold have grown dusty with disuse.

Wait, that sounded gross.

Jason: And yet it’s true.

Jeff: Alleys and dusty mines. Gilbert is getting to me.

“I Guess We Might As Well Begin”

Jason: “We Have Nothing Better to Do”

Jeff: “Do You Feel Like Starting?”

Jason: “Shrugging Is My Favorite Gesture”

Gilbert O’Sullivan, “A Christmas Song” (download)

Jeff: Syrupy strings! My favorite kind!

Jason: Yeah, this sounds exactly like I would imagine it to sound. Don’t forget the jingle bells!

Jeff: Double-tracked wuss! The best!

Jason: Ahh, the Gilbert O’Sullivan double-tracked vocal. With harp!

Jeff: He doesn’t care if it snows, he just wants peace. Does Gilbert think it’s somehow more difficult to have snow?

Jason: Did he just only wish a happy holiday to those of us who live in fear? Wouldn’t that be everybody listening to this song right now?

Jeff: Absolutely.

Aaaah! Kids!

Jason: OH GOD


Jeff: How much you want to bet that’s actually Gilbert?



Jeff: Let us hope that very soon, the peace you seek will then resume!


Jeff: Gilbert AND kids. He’s pouring it all on here. Speaking of which, there are those strings again.

Jason: The drummer has fallen asleep on his snare drum.

Jeff: …And tasteful end!

Jason: You know what? Quite honestly, I was prepared to keep this one around.

Jeff: By “keep this one around,” do you mean “add it to my real holiday playlist”?

Jason: Yes. The one that I listen to only on my own, but yes.

Jeff: shakes head

Jason: I kind of liked it in the same way I like “Alone Again (Naturally),” which isn’t really surprising.
But then THE KIDS. Why don’t people understand that kids ruin everything?

Jeff: Definitely the dealbreaker that pushes this song from “innocuously lame holiday jingle” over the edge to “eww, get away.”

Jason: Still, I’m glad we got an authentic ’70s Christmas track. It may be the only one all season.

Jeff: …Or it may not be. foreshadowing

Jason: I’d love to say I just set you up, but I seriously have no idea.

“Won’t Somebody Tell Me (What’s Going On)”

Jeff: “You’ll Be the Last to Know”

Jason: “Doesn’t It Make You Sick”

Jeff: “This Is Going to Hurt Both of Us”

Jason: Mine is an actual Gilbert O’Sullivan title, motherfucker!

Jeff: Damn! I just got O’Sullivaned!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles