Jeff: All right, I admit I was a little off the other day when I thought I’d found a song that might help you figure out a gift for your wife.

Jason: You call that “a little off”? Pretty bad aim, buddy. I can’t believe you impregnated your wife twice.

Jeff: Right back at you! But today I think I might finally have the song you need.

Jason: I don’t trust you any further than I can throw Dave Lifton.

Jeff: Man, I sure would like to see you try to throw Dave Lifton.

Jason: While he’s holding Bob Lefsetz.

Jeff: But even if you don’t trust me, you do trust Gina Naomi Baez, right?

Jason: What’s a Gina Naomi Baez?

Jeff: I don’t know, but she got a “Puppy for Christmas.” Who doesn’t like a puppy for Christmas, Jason?

Jason: Just the other day, Jess texted me with “Let’s get our daughter a puppy.” I believe my response was “Go away.”

Jeff: Gina Naomi Baez is a prophet! The least you can do is let her sing for you.

Jason: I am kind of hoping this song ends with her realizing she forgot to put air holes in the gift box — not that I want to see a dead puppy, but man, that’d be one unexpected twist.


Jeff: *guffaw*

Christmas is here again, Jason. Will you wake up in the morning to find a puppy for Christmas?

Jason: The production values are better than a lot of the stuff we’ve listened to this year, for sure. And her voice is pretty solid.

Jeff: Yes, and the earnestness quotient has been upped about a thousand percent, too. Say what you will about Gina Naomi Baez — she loves her some puppy.

Jason: And some Crest Whitening Strips.

Jeff: Possibly some cocaine as well.

Jason: What is with this naming of different people/dogs with “Belle” at the end?

Jeff: …and names that end in “belle.”

Jason: DID SHE SAY “TITOBELLE”? Because if she did, this song goes on my awesome list.


It isn’t there already?

Jason: There’s a dog out there feeling all alone. Oooh, she went for the high belt.

Jeff: This song is grabbing you by the sweater and singing directly into your face as you politely smile and glance into the middle distance.

Jason: Oh, that laugh at the end. That’s the laugh of someone obsessed with their dog.

Jeff: Yes! And on an intricate blend of anti-psychotic drugs, I’m guessing. That’s the laugh you hear at the end of the ransom voicemail.

Jason: You know what makes me happiest about this song, actually?

Jeff: What makes you happiest, Jason?

Jason: The fact that I am not getting a puppy for Christmas, and you’re already stuck with one.

Jeff: I don’t have a puppy, I have a full-grown Den Pissing Machine. Your day will come.

Jason: Matt Wardlaw is staying at your place?

Jeff: [points at nose, points at you]

Jason: Maybe you should play this song for your family. See what they think. I bet your kids will love it. In fact, they may even ask you for another special gift this year!

Jeff: Whole truck full of nopes! But I *am* going to Gina Naomi Baez’s website to see if I can send her to your daughter’s preschool.

Jason: Not a problem. Just one question: What’s your wife’s e-mail address again? Oh! Nevermind. Found it!

Jeff: nopuppyforchristmas @

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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