Jason: Oh, hey! Another day of Mellowmas! groan

Jeff: I’m okay with it, if it gets that goddamn Michael Damian song out of my head. I’ve had a flat trumpet echoing on a loop in my brain for 24 hours.

Jason: Me too. But truth be told, I had a lot of fun yesterday. I really loved the album title.

Jeff: I’m hesitant to agree, because I’m afraid of where you’re going with this.

Jason: Well, I see something else on our Mellowmas list.

Jeff: Stop looking at our Mellowmas list.

Jason: I don’t know how it got there, but it’s called The Sharon Cuneta Christmas Album.

Jeff: I can’t believe you just…oh, you wrote “Cuneta.” Never mind.

Jason: Dammit, you beat me to my own joke.


Jeff: Well, would you look at that? Sharon Cuneta gave us the gift of her “push face” on the cover of her Christmas album.

Jason: Mellowmas tears Oh God, I’m crying. Any time you write “push face,” I just lose it.

Jeff: I had no idea who she was before just now, but apparently she’s really huge in the Philippines. She signed a “1 billion contract” recently. One billion of what, I have no idea. What do they use for money over there?

Jason: She is “fondly called ‘Mega’ by fans and people from the entertainment industry.”

Jeff: How rude!

Jason: Your mom is fondly called “Mega” by 9 out of 10 busboys.

Jeff: Fun fact: You can’t write “fondly” without writing most of “fondle.” Which is also what the busboys etc., etc.

You fucker.

Jason: Beat me to it again!

Jeff: sigh So Sharon. What does her Mega sound like, I wonder? Some of the titles on this record are intriguing in a Wing-like way.

“Parang Hindi Pasko.”

“Pasko Na, Sinta Ko.”

Jason: I like “Jesus, My Best Friend, Jesus.”

Jeff: Ooooooh.

Jason: I wish that was actually “Jesus, My Best Friend, My Best Friend, Jesus,” And it was just a song about her introducing the two to each other.

Jeff: guffaw

second round of Mellowmas tears

Jason: There are so many opportunities today, I don’t know where to start.

Jeff: wipes eyes Nothing we hear is going to top that. But okay.

Jason: I’ll just close my eyes and pick one at random. How about “Merry Christmas, Darling”?

Jeff: It sounds positively rich with Mellowmas possibility!

Sharon Cuneta, “Merry Christmas, Darling” (download)

Jason: Whoa. Was that the opening from “We Are the World”?

Jeff: Ugh, those synths. She’s has a pretty voice, though.

Jason: Casiomas!

Jeff: Exactly. I think these keys were lifted from an ’80s TV theme.

Jason: Oh man, it’s even worse on headphones — it reverberates.

Ahh, real drums.

Just kidding.

Jeff: Yes! The bass! Or I should say the “bass.” Oh my God, this song sounds exactly like the album cover looks.

Jason: Someone just hit the “Demo” button on the keyboard, and the “Fill” button, like, twice.

Jeff: This is just about the laziest Christmas song we’ve heard this year, don’t you think?

Jason: Stop it, annoying synths!

Jeff: But if they did, there’d be no son…STOP IT ANNOYING SYNTHS

Hey, background Cunetas!

Jason: Sharon Cuneta and the Cunetas!

Sharon Cuneta and the Cuneta Tabernacle Choir!

Jeff: I just noticed that the copyright on this says “2002 Viva,” and I’m amazed. Please tell me this was not recorded in 2002.

Jason: Yeah, this has to be from 1987. Right?

Jeff: Exactly. EXACTLY. There needs to be a big bottle of Bartles & Jaymes in that package on the cover. All of which is to say that this is more quintessentially Mellowmas than anything we’ve ever listened to by Air Supply or America.

Jason: The discography reveals nothing, but a TV special happened in 1997. The Sharon Cuneta Christmas Special: I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

Jeff: Just found the real date. Turns out this was released in 1990, after The Very Best of Sharon Vol. 2.

Jason: Sharon Cuneta: Cuneta Harder.

Jeff: Cuneta II: The Synthenening.

Jason: Stop. I can’t breathe. Between “Cuneta” and “push face,” I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day with a straight face.

Jeff: Of course, nothing beats the actual title of her 1985 album, Bituing Walang Ningning, which is Filipino for “I slipped and fell on the keyboard.”

Jason: There’s a part of me that seriously thinks Daryl Dragon is behind ALL of this. Like, if Michael McDonald is the patron saint of Popdose, he might be the evil genius behind all synthesizer-based Mellowmas songs.

Jeff: Whoever’s responsible, I thank them. This was terrible, but it was full of the pillow-soft, synthy cheese product that Mellowmas was founded on.

Jason: Yeah, kind of a perfect track for today.

Jeff: I feel…satisfied, in a strange way. Ready to soldier on until whatever fresh hell tomorrow brings us.

Jason: I just want to say one more thing.

Jeff: Is it “Bukas Luluhod ang mga Tala”?

Jason: She covered “Automatic.”

Sorry, one more thing.

Jeff: Oh my God.

Jason: She covered “Part-Time Lover.”

Jeff: Stop it. Now I’m listening to “Autocuneta,” and I can’t stop.

Jason: Same here. You know what this means?

Jeff: Soon I’ll die?

Jason: We both fell down the Cuneta rabbit hole, and there’s nothing worse than falling into a Cuneta hole.

Jeff: That’s true — it sounds like you’re in the instrument aisle of a Sears in 1986.

I think “Part-Time Cuneta” is a trio recording. Also, I think the three vocalists started tracking their vocals at slightly different times.

Jason: Hang on, I’m onto “Careless Cuneta.”

Jeff: You son of a bitch — it’s from Sharon Cuneta’s The All-English Album.

Jason: Wait until you hear her cover of “She’s Out of My Life” where she mimics Michael’s shaky voice at the end.

Okay, I’m leaving while the getting’s awful. Happy Cunetamas, everybody! I have no idea how I’m going to get through the day without snickering every two minutes.

Jeff: I’ll just be over here, listening to Sharon Cuneta’s version of “The Promise” and gnawing through my wrists.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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