Before we kick off today’s round of exquisite Mellowmas torture, how about some discount music and a contest? Our friends at Rhino are celebrating the Twelve Days of Chri — er, Rhino, and for the ninth day, they’re not only offering a whopping 40% discount on their snazzy organic “I Play Vinyl” hoodie, but they’re giving away a $25 promo code to one lucky Popdose reader! Here’s what you need to do to enter:

Visit the Rhino site and find out which New Jack Swing legend’s Christmas release is the Album of the Week. Then email the answer to Matt Wardlaw with the subject line “Taco Bell Marshmallow Dessert Burrito.” Our winner will be chosen at random, and all entries must be received by noon PST tomorrow. Good luck!

Jason: Ah, another day, another iTunes gift from you. Why do you hate me?

Jeff: Well, again, when I see things I know you’ll love, I have a hard time not sending them to you. I’m a giving guy, Jason.

Jason: Yeah, my mom has complained about the “gifts” you’ve given her more than once.

Jeff: Those weren’t my fault. I didn’t know Lifton’s mom had just gotten back from Africa.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Hey, speaking of sexual napalm, look who’s on tap for today!

Jason: Jessica Simpson!

Jeff: Boobies!

Jason: I know this album must be perfect for Mellowmas, because three people have e-mailed me about it.

Jeff: Yeah, same here. People are so cough helpful this time of year. I think this is Jessica Simpson’s second Christmas album. She’s trying to catch up to the true giants of the genre.

Jason: It should be noted that in this case, you were a little charitable — you didn’t send me the whole album. Just one song. Credit where credit is due and all.

Jeff: It’s true. Because I saw the words “feat. Willie Nelson” and thought to myself, “game, set, match.”

Jason: You haven’t listened yet, right?

Jeff: I repeat: Jessica Simpson featuring Willie Nelson. Of course I haven’t listened.

Jason: Let’s not waste any time, then. This track needs no further introduction.

Jessica Simpson – Merry Christmas Baby (feat. Willie Nelson) (download)

From Happy Christmas 

Jeff: Hey, a live band!

Jason: Not bad, right?

Jeff: I’m grateful for the minor things at Mellowmas.

Jason: A nice, bluesy introduction.

Jeff: Hi, Willie! What the fuck are you doing here? Did they leave a trail of brownie crumbs leading to the studio?

Jason: Again, not bad, right?

Jeff: No Jessica yet. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping this isn’t really a duet. Maybe she’s playing piano.

Jason: Here she comes. Get ready!

Jeff: Oh shit. What is she doing?

Jason: She’s throwing up all over the microphone, what do you think she’s doing?

Jeff: Is this Jessica Simpson’s version of the blues?

Jason: Jessica Simpson does not know the meaning of the word “nuance.”

Jeff: I’m throwing five dollars on the table and betting this “vibrato” is just an Auto-Tune engineer wiggling his mouse around.

Jason: Now, I don’t know if you heard, but she just sang something that ended with her almost moaning Willie’s name. Which is why today is titled “Creepymas.” Listen to those stock backing vocals!

Jeff: I’m throwing another five dollars on the table and betting that she paid him for this session during the instrumental break. In “trade.”

Jason: “I said Jessica, I’m feeling mighty fine, baby.” CREEPYMAS! “And I…I…wanna kiss you baby while you’re standing beneath the mistletoe. Merry Christmas, baby.” GROSSMAS!

Jeff: Here she goes again! Jessica Simpson wants to be Aretha for Christmas!

Jason: I’m still reeling from Willie saying he wants to kiss Jessica Simpson.

Jeff: She can’t sing if he’s kissing her. I want him to kiss her too.

Jason: Ewwwwwwwww!

Jeff: Why is this song still going?

Jason: It sounds like they got the Vandross Tabernacle Choir to back the whole thing.

Jeff: Listening to Jessica Simpson sing the blues is making me nostalgic for Jack Wagner’s cover of “Before You Accuse Me.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Well, that track was tasteless.

Jason: It wasn’t just tasteless, Jeff. It was creepy!

Jeff: Who cares less about his musical legacy: Willie, or Bob Dylan?

Jason: Oh, don’t start in on Dylan. The haters are STILL coming at me on YouTube for last year’s Mellowmas feature on him.

Jeff: Are any of Willie’s thousands of releases Christmas albums?

Jason: Oh, they have to be. I’m sure of it.

Jeff: Willie Nelson: I Guess I Just Made a Christmas Album

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Willie Nelson’s One-Take Christmas Party

Jason: You spelled “toke” wrong.

Jeff: It looks like Willie has multiple Christmas albums, because he rates one of those “20th Century Masters” holiday discs. I guess our work is cut out for us.

Jason: And yet, I could only find one on his Wikipedia discography.

Jeff: I’ve seen three so far.

Jason: The only consolation I get from this creepy track is knowing these two were not in the same place when it was recorded.

Jeff: Willie thought he was doing a duet with Reba.

Jason: No. The scary thing is, I think Willie knew exactly what he was doing. He name-checks her in the song.

Jeff: Oh, that’s right! I’d scrubbed it from my brain already.

Jason: I guess it could have been worse. They could have done “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

Jeff: shudder I guess they must have started a friendship when they met on the set of that Dukes of Hazzard movie. One more reason to hate it.

Jason: That’s what I figured too. Still, he doesn’t have to answer her father’s phone calls.

Jeff: Next, they can collaborate on a shitty book! The Bible Audiobook, as read by Willie Nelson and Jessica Simpson.

Jason: Taxes For Dummies, as read by Willie Nelson and Jessica Simpson.

Jeff: I think I would buy that.

Jason: If I had to leave our readers with one image for today, it’d be the image of Willie Nelson trying to kiss Jessica Simpson beneath the mistletoe. Skunky breath and all.

Jeff: His grizzled beard nestled between her breasts.

Jason: Neither of them can feel a thing.

Jeff: She casually strokes his ponytail.

Jason: Ha ha ha! Gross!

Jeff: Over Thanksgiving, I was at my brother-in-law’s house, and he described Jessica Simpson as “beautiful and talented.”

Jason: No!

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: What did you say?

Jeff: I was in the other room, so he couldn’t see me biting my hand.

Jason: Please tell me you stood up, threw your napkin down and pissed on his dinner plate.

Jeff: He said it during her parade performance, which I luckily could neither see nor hear. And he followed that statement by telling everyone that the reason she can’t keep a husband must be that she won’t stop talking.

Jason: Ahhh, family dinners.

Jeff: The whole thing was just a muddy brown swirl of tastelessness. Kind of like this song, actually.

Jason: Have a great day, everybody! Try not to think about Willie Nelson spanking Jessica Simpson with his braids. Or about Jeff’s brother-in-law finding that vaguely appealing.

Jeff: Or Willie doing the motorboat.

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About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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