Jeff: Well, well, well! Look who’s back for more Mellowmas.

Jason: I can’t say no to you, baby.

Jeff: As it turns out, ending a sentence with “baby” is oddly appropriate for today’s song. Also unnecessary exclamation points.

Jason: I hope you’re not implying I use exclamation points unnecessarily. I would argue that every exclamation point I use during this holiday is justified.

Jeff: Oh no. I’m just saying that the album we’re covering today is titled “O Holy Night!”
Which, you know, seems unnecessary.

Jason: I agree with you. At the same time, find me something about the music we listen to this season that isn’t unnecessary.

Jeff: Jason, have you ever heard of Wintley Phipps?

Jason: Of course! My favorite song was “You’re In Love.”

Jeff: *looks at Jason quizzically*

Jason: You’re in love! That’s the way! It should be! ‘Cause I want you to be happy!

Jeff: *cackle*

Jason: Oh, wait. I see. Not them. Somebody else.

Jeff: Now I’m picturing a bald black man wearing Carnie Wilson’s beach lingerie from the “You Won’t See Me Cry” video.

Jason: There’s a very obvious joke here that I’m going to leave alone.

Jeff: I will join you in this. We are maturing, because Mellowmas makes us so old. Oh, speaking of old, here is a man with a very deep voice.

Jason: He’s definitely not from my family. Because we have very high voices.

Also, this guy is black.

Wintley Phipps

Jeff: I don’t know anything about Wintley Phipps, but I think he might be a minister.

Jason: He has a nice smile.

Jeff: He does! It’s almost as nice as Jeffrey Osborne‘s.

Jason: The star to the right of his album photo should actually be placed on his teeth. Just a killer smile.

Jeff: YES! He uses Topol.

Jason: I don’t know, Jeff. If I had a smile like that, I might use an exclamation point too.

Jeff: You might. And yet you would still sound nothing like Wintley Phipps. Hey, do you have a subwoofer?

Jason: I want to lie and say no.

Jeff: Turn it up and brace yourself for a night most holy. Are you ready?

Jason: I think the question is less if I’m ready and more if the people who live below me are ready.

Wintley Phipps — O Holy Night! (download)

Jason: A majestic opening. Classy.

Jeff: Live strings! Such a blessing during Mellowmas.

Jason: Yes! I like it so far!

Jeff: *cackle*

Jason: Wow.

Jeff: I can’t.

Jason: That’s pretty low.

Jeff: Seriously, if I was in the audience for this, I would be pissing my pants. They would kick me out.

Jason: Jeff, this guy has chops!

Jeff: He’s awesome! I know!

Jason: Here comes the good part. FALL ON YOUR KNEES!

Jeff: But there’s something about this voice that makes me laugh uncontrollably.

Jason: This is the part where I always think of Cartman.

Jeff: Yes! “O night…when I get presents…” Wintley Phipps is SMOOTH.

Jason: So I’ll give you that his voice is low. But he’s nailing this.


Jeff: He’s nailing it, but I can’t stop laughing.

Jason: I was NOT expecting that! Wait a second. Real strings, and a drum machine?

Jeff: A real drummer can’t compete with Wintley!

Jason: If you made it far enough to pay for the orchestra, why wouldn’t you just spring for the drummer?

Jeff: There’s no bass, either! The orchestra was down the street. Wintley overpowers all.



Jason: I just woke up the people downstairs.

Jeff: I’m sure they don’t mind, either. Wintley has risen. Goddamn! How many seconds are that last note?


Jeff: I bow before Wintley Phipps! All hail the Mellowmas king!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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