Jason: Hey Jeff, guess how many songs I have in my holiday collection on iTunes?

Jeff: 600,000?

Jason: Not quite. I’m up to 2,797. Funny, I thought the number was higher, too.

Jeff: That’s impressive, by which I mean heartbreaking.

Jason: It’s become quite a compulsion. I have to search for Christmas music every year. I can’t stop.

Jeff: I, on the other hand, now actively avoid all Christmas music, even if it’s from artists I know I can trust, like Nick Lowe.

Jason: I’m telling you, that album is really quite good.

Jeff: I used to love Christmas music. I had a pretty decent collection myself.

Jason: I know! I think I got my first few hundred tracks from you!

Jeff: Now, it just makes me think of incompetence and cash-grabbing. So many big-name artists recording Christmas albums.

Jason: I know. Really, Kelly Clarkson? Is that really necessary?

Jeff: Really, Tamar Braxton?

Jason: A second Christmas record, Jewel?

Jeff: I just got really angry at Rod Stewart for a second, but I’m okay now.

Jason: But you know what makes it all worth it? When I do a deep-dive and find something that I thought I’d never, ever find. Something that I figure most people will never, ever find.

Jeff: I’m uncomfortable with you using the phrase “deep-dive” in this context.

Jason: That’s how I came across Dorothy Finch.

Jeff: Was I complaining about major artists making Christmas music just now? I would like to retract.

Jason: I don’t know much about Dorothy Finch. I know she has a last name that is also the name of a type of bird. I know that she likes birds herself.

Jeff: Please stop.

Jason: i know that designing album covers is maybe not her forte.

Jeff: I feel an overpowering sense of dread coming on. Maybe we should listen to Kelly Clarkson instead.

Jason: And I know that you and I are about to listen to a song called “The Holiday Birds.”

Jeff: Holiday birds? Huh. That doesn’t sound so bad. Like, cardinals and stuff, right?

Jason: Shhh. Just listen.

Listen to the holiday birds.

Dorothy Finch, “The Holiday Birds”

Jeff: Ooh, synthy! It’s like Mike Oldfield walked into a pet store.

Jason: Free-form, man! Rhodes!

Jeff: This…is singing?

Jason: Random synth patch!

Jeff: How many takes do you think this took?

Jason: It sounds like her voice is actually kind of nice. But I think she recorded this in a phone booth. Or with her head in a space helmet.

Jeff: Nice?

Jason: Well, you know. In a menacing way.

Jeff: I mean, she sounds like a nice person.

This is one trippy goddamn holiday song.

Jason: Seriously!

Jeff: And it’s on Dorothy’s record The Nature of Christmas: Children’s Song-Book! I would NEVER play this for my kids. Or anyone’s kids.

Jason: It’s eerie. Can you imagine if I played this for my daughter and just told her this was what all Christmas music sounded like?

Jeff: Hanukkah forever!

Also, I don’t appreciate these things that sound like fade-outs, but aren’t.

Jason: Dorothy Finch likes fucking with you. Holiday bu-uh-urds!

Jeff: What just happened?

Jason: What just happened? You got Finch’d, that’s what just happened.

Jeff: Why was that for kids? How was it about the holidays? Who wrote it? Who played on it? WHY.

Jason: I think you know who wrote it and who played on it. The holiday birds.

Jeff: Never mind. You can’t answer those questions. I doubt Dorothy Finch could answer them. I need to stop thinking about who and why and start focusing more on whiskey. Is this what it feels like to get high?

Jason: I wonder if I could get Dorothy Finch to call you, a la Wing.

Jeff: That would be AWFUL. Her voice would be all deep and close to the phone.


Jason: Maybe I could get her to sell you one of her holiday birds.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! All dead in a box!

Jason: Holiday dead bird!

Jeff: “Enclosed please find one (1) holiday bu-uh-urd.”

Jason: Well, I feel pretty proud of myself right now.


Jason: *leprechaun dance*

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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