Jeff: How many Christmas songs do you think we’ve listened to over the years?

Jason: You mean specifically for Mellowmas?

Jeff: Yeah, specifically for Mellowmas.

Jason: Funny you should ask. I’m a year into putting together a master Mellowmas database.

Jeff: “Master”

Jason: As it turns out, I started crying after recalling 2013, so let’s just say the project is on pause.

Jeff: Hundreds, right?

Jason: Yeah. I’m going to estimate at least 250.

Jeff: They all cover a lot of the same stuff. Snow, sleigh bells, Santa, stupid kids.

Jason: Stupid kids that won’t shut up.


Jeff: What I’m getting at here is that it’s easy to assume that everything a person could reasonably write about in a Christmas song has already been written about.

Jason: You would assume that, if you weren’t us.

Jeff: I wish we weren’t us sometimes.

Jason: Anyway. What’s up your sleeve?

Jeff: You know what we’ve never heard, Jason? A Christmas song…

Jason: Oh no.

Jeff: Written…from the perspective of the TREE.

Jason: Written from the perspective of…the tree?

Jeff: Of the TREE, Jason.

Jason: Dude. The tree is dead.

Jeff: It’s a good thing you weren’t there to tell that to Kevin Pelletier before he wrote his new Christmas single, “The Christmas Tree!”

Jason: I am glaring at that exclamation point.

Jeff: Good old Kevin Pelletier. Giving voice to the voiceless. I wonder if “The Christmas Tree!” is crying about being dead?

You wonder too. I know you do.

Jason: I like the idea of a track full of screaming.

Jeff: Just gotta wait for that Tom Waits Christmas album!

Jason: I will be fully on board if this song is all “OH GOD NO! OH PLEASE NO NO NO NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CHAINSAW NO NO NO NO”

And then just 45-60 seconds of a chainsaw.

Jeff: SINGING chainsaw.

Jason: Ha! Of course! Okay, let’s do this. I’m ready to hear the tree’s story.

Jeff: Peppy.

Jason: Boppy! Horny!

Jeff: I feel like putting on a red sweater and snapping my…oh, now he’s singing.

Jason: And echoing himself.

Jeff: He! Is! The Christmas tree! It’s fun to be a tree!

I don’t know about you, but I feel like each second of this song counts for three in real time.

Oh good, a bridge.

Jason: Ten bucks says he wrote this as part of a fourth grade class assignment.

This is why “Creative Writing” needs to be banished from our schools. All “How to Code,” all the time.

Jeff: God, how I’d love to thwack Kevin Pelletier in his Adam’s apple.

Jason: Well, at least it was over quickly, right?

Jeff: There wasn’t any screaming in there. Yelping, but no screaming. And no singing chainsaw, either.

Jason: And the echoes.

Jeff: How far on board did you get?

Jason: Sorry, Jeff, but I just can’t buy this story. The tree is DEAD. Again, I MIGHT have gotten on board had this song been written from the perspective of a tree waiting in the forest, just waiting for the right family to come find him.

Hm. Pretty sure John Denver wrote that song at some point.

Jeff: Did it end with the tree wailing while it was being chopped down? Because the more I think about that idea, the more I think it has merit.

Jason: Starring Wing as “The Tree.”

Jeff: Can we get your brother to write this? A holiday EP might be just the thing to break his band through to the big time.

Jason: Give me $10 and I can get Wing to write, record and star in the video.

Jeff: You’re on.

Jason: We really do need to make a list of Mellowmas songs that we think Wing should cover. And then we can release an entire album.

Jeff: Wing…Starring in Christmas, Go Fuck Yourself

Jason: Anybody else smell a Kickstarter?

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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