Congratulations — you’ve made it to the final week of Mellowmas! Be sure to check out our Saturday and Sunday posts (covering Dolly Parton and David Archuleta) in case your weekend didn’t provide you with enough holiday miser–uh, cheer!

Jason: So today’s Mellowmas selections come to us courtesy of Will Harris.

Jeff: Will wrote them? Will is one talented fucker!

Jason: Ha! I wish!

Jeff: Oh. I take it back. Boo! Will Harris sucks!

Jason: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Actually, the truth of that statement will be revealed shortly. See, Will sent us a link to these guys right after Mellowmas last year. It was our first Mellowmas 2009 suggestion.

“The brain child of re-mix keyboardist/writer Brian Stewart (Backstreet Boys, Robert Plant, Hall & Oates, Poe) and produced by industry veteran Ken Mary (House of Lords, Trik Turner, Alice Cooper, The Beach Boys), Northern Lights Orchestra is designed to create a total musical experience combining the powerful drama of Webber and Rice’s ”Jesus Christ Superstar” with the emotionally moving musical styles of Electric Light Orchestra, Yes, and Kansas.”

Jeff: I think I just had a bowel movement.

Jason: I love that someone out there has worked with Backstreet Boys, Robert Plant and Hall & Oates. I only wish it had been all at the same time.

Jeff: He was a janitor in a studio where they all recorded, but still.

Jason: You can see the band members here.
Bob “Butterfly Kisses” Carlisle on vocals!
Bruce Kulick on guitars!
Dizzy Reed on keys!
And Kip Winger on….strings?

Jeff: I think Kip wrote a symphony this year or something.
(or something.)

Jason: No shit! Really?

Jeff: Kip Winger wrote something called “Ghosts.” It was given its premiere by the Tucson Symphony Orchestra. But forget Kip Winger. As soon as I hear Bob Carlisle’s name, I want to puke. While stomping on butterflies.

Jason: You don’t want to cry? I think that’s what Bob Carlisle wants you to do. Was Bob Carlisle involved in that “Christmas Shoes” track? If so, it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest. Bob Carlisle should just put out an album entitled Glurge.

Jeff: YES. That’s a perfect name for his music. That should be a new genre. I wish there were still record stores. I would make a divider card with “GLURGE” written on it.

Jason: And put hankies next to it.

Jeff: And I would put Bob Carlisle CDs in the Glurge section. And then I would throw up on those CDs.

Jason: Ha! You glurged all over the glurge! Shall we listen to a couple of tracks?

Jeff: I guess we have to, don’t we?

Jason: Yeah, kind of. Otherwise we might piss off Will. And you don’t want to make Will angry.

Jeff: Not if this is what he sends us when he’s happy.

Northern Light Orchestra — Joy to the World (download)


From The Spirit of Christmas, available for free from the Northern Light Orchestra website

Jason: Backwards guitar! That’s a musical theatre vocal if ever I heard one.

Jeff: I hate whoever is singing.And whoever is drumming.

Jason: Uh, I believe it’s two people. Key change!

Jeff: Well, I meant the “heaven and nature”…oh, Jesus.

Jason: Key change after only 45 seconds! That’s BALLSY!

Jeff: Who the fuck is this asshole?

Jason: No, Jeff. Who the fuck are THESE assholes.

Jeff: And this other asshole?

Jason: There you go. They’re repeating lines unnecessarily.

Jeff: The one thing that’s fascinating to me about this track is how low the keyboard sits in the mix.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: What the fuck what the fuck WHAT THE FUCK

Jason: “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies,” bitches! SHREDDING!



Jeff: This is the sound of Gary Hoey being held at gunpoint!

Jason: Bang your fucking head! BANG IT! Double bass!

Jeff: Double groan!



Ha! Listen to those bass runs! I’m sitting here bopping my head. Wheeeee!

Jeff: You are sick. I’m sitting here wondering which dimension I woke up in.

Jason: Hang on, I’m going to send you a picture of how happy I am right now.


Jeff: This is what Christmas being raped sounds like.

Jason: Did you hear that awesome piano part?

Jeff: I’m sorry, what? Awesome? What did you say?

Jason: AWESOME!!!!

Jeff: The one thing that’s maybe 15% awesome about that track is that it sounds like the band was so damn happy to be recording Christmas music that they couldn’t stick to one song. It just lurches from one horrible holiday wankfest to the next.

Jason: What I particularly love about it is the fact that they just give up on the vocals after a while and just shred. Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s not good. But it makes me happy for some reason.

Jeff: Those vocals deserved to be given up on. I can’t believe how happy this song made you. You look like your face is about to burst. Don’t you love Christmas? How can this make you happy?

Jason: Well, I think part of what made me happy was knowing how you were, like, climbing the walls, begging to be set free from this torturous song.

Jeff: It’s ridiculous!

Jason: Remember, this is Mellowmas, and misery equals happiness.

Jeff: I think it sounds like what might have happened if members of Night Ranger and Loverboy got really, really high in December of ’87 and tried to make a Christmas record.


Jeff: Well, now that you put it that way…

Jason: See? You’re coming around! I love it!

Jeff: Stop! I refuse!

Jason: Wait, you want to hear a really ridiculous one?

Jeff: sigh

Jason: claps, does happy dance around the room

Jeff: I’m leaving that picture up. My wife just asked me what’s wrong with you.

Jason: And what did you tell her?

Jeff: We exchanged a sad, meaningful glance.

Jason: Many of those have been exchanged over my visage. I’m used to it.
Jeff: As are the members of the Northern Light Orchestra, I imagine.

Jason: Let’s listen to another one.

Jeff: Oh, all right. What’s it called?

Jason: “Celebrate Christmas.”

Jeff: How ironic.

Jason: Wait until you hear it.

Jeff: It’s five minutes long! Run, baby Jesus and Santa! Run!

Jason: Wait, I’m sending you a photo of me not being able to wait until you hear it.


Jeff: I see you praying! Praying to the foul, dark god of Mellowmas!

Jason: No, that’s my “I can’t wait” face. Your wife has pictures of my “O” face.

Jeff: She said those were your push face!

Jason: I won’t lie. They’re similar.

Jeff: Hey, a good feeling is a good feeling.

Jason: Let’s Celebrate Christmas!

Jeff: Let’s!

Northern Light Orchestra — Celebrate Christmas (download)


From The Spirit of Christmas, available for free from the Northern Light Orchestra website

Jeff: Holy shit!


Jeff: It’s a Christmas beer commercial!

Jason: Doesn’t it sound like something Trey Parker and Matt Stone would write for a Christmas montage?

Jeff: WOW. Wow, wow, wow. Does Richard Marx have a less talented cousin? Is that who’s singing this?

Jason: Clap along!

Jeff: I will NEVER clap along. God, listen to that guitar. The guitarist can’t keep his hands still even when he should.

Jason: Clap along, I said!


Jeff: Celebrate, celebrate the love!

Jason: Isn’t that just the cheesiest thing EVER? I mean, I LOVE cheesy. Especially at Christmas time. But this is just too much.

Jeff: It’s completely retarded. It makes me want to host a Christmas party. I would love to inflict this on a room full of “loved ones.”

Jason: I feel like Survivor heard this and went, “…damn, they beat us to it.”

Jeff: I feel like Weird Al heard this and said the same thing.

Jason: Honestly? I haven’t even listened to the verses. All I hear is the chorus. And guess what? It’s all you’re going to hear after it’s done.

Jeff: Almost three minutes in, and I still can’t believe what I’m hearing.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! “Deck the Halls!” They can’t just do one song!

Jeff: Oh, good, another “medley.”

Jason: They just can’t!

Jeff: Northern Lights Orchestra has been brought to you today by the letters A, D, and D.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: And also S, U, C, and K.

Jason: I’m just begging for one more chorus. Please, just one more. More shredding!

Jeff: Well, we have another two goddamn minutes of this shit.

Jason: WE SURE DO!


Jeff: If the guitarist will just shut up…Ah, here we go.

Jason: YES! ONE MORE CHORUS! Just what we needed! Celebrate Christmas, fucker! Do it! Celebrate the love, too, while you’re at it!

Jeff: Listen to this jackass screaming! And that motherfucking guitarist!

Jason: Let’s put it this way: if you don’t celebrate it, they’re just going to keep repeating the chorus.

Jeff: This dude hasn’t had a session gig since 1988, has he?

Jason: Whew!

Jeff: I have never hated you more than I do right now.

Jason: satisfied sigh
So these guys have 13 songs available for free on their website. I’ve listened to them all.

Jeff: No, they aren’t free. Not at all. You must pay a terrible price for them.
…and now I have the “Celebrate Christmas” chorus stuck in my head. SON OF A BITCH.

Jason: YES! And so do all of you.

Jeff: I’m going to go see if I can pee it out. Hang on.

Jason: Happy Mellowmas from Jason Hare!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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