Jeff: Holiday traditions, Jason. Everyone celebrates them differently.

Jason: I personally like to drink gasoline straight from the pump, which I never did before Mellowmas. It’s a new-ish tradition.

Jeff: Really? I thought that was the fifth night of Hanukkah.

Jason: Could be! Every day of December blends together for me now. But you’re right. Everyone has different holiday traditions.

Jeff: There are lots of songs that presume we all celebrate the holidays pretty much the same way, you know? Sleigh rides and jingle bells and snowmen and all that stuff.

Jason: Sure. Caroling out in the snow.

Jeff: I think it’s important to take a step back once in awhile and listen to a song that reminds us each family has its own special holiday traditions.

Jason: Like watching a Christmas movie on Christmas Eve? Or something else nice like that?

Jeff: Sure! Or even spelling “Christmas” as “Chirstmas.”

Jason: Wait, what?

Jeff: You know, Chirstmas! Good old Chirstmas.

Jason: Wait, is THAT what all those lawn signs say? “Keep Chirst in Chirstmas?”

Jeff: That might be what they say in Mike Foerster’s neighborhood.

Jason: When you say “Mike Foerster,” do you maybe actually mean “Mike Forester”?

Jeff: Mike Foerster, FYI, is the holiday wizard who has given unto us “Chirstmas (At Our House).” Which is a song that we will be listening to today.

Jason: Don’t you remember my longtime ban over songs with parentheticals?

Jeff: I think if you try and impose that ban on a holiday song, it counts as a religious hate crime.

Jason: Also, I forgot that it’s Mellowmas. You don’t give a shit. Or rather, you don’t give (a shit).

Jeff: “You Dno’t Give (A Shit)” is maybe another of Mike Foerster’s songs? I’m not sure.

Jason: Either way, we’re three weeks into this wretched holiday and I know better than to fight with you.

Jeff: Today all we need to worry about is “Chirstmas (At Our House),” emphasis on the “worry.”

Jason: Let’s get strated.

Jeff: Peppy! Jaunty! Tappin’ my toe.

Jason: Wait, I think something weird must have happened during the mixdown of this track.

Jeff: Something with the drums, perhaps?

Jason: There’s an errant bass drum in here.


Jeff: Oh good, chipmunk voices.


Jeff: Now I can’t tell which part is making me sick.

Jason: What’s he even talking about? Yuppie types? A roof rack?

Jeff: That guitar track is really something else, isn’t it? There’s so much going on here, I don’t know what to talk about first. I’m paralyzed with Mellowmas fear.

Jason: I feel like this guy was working on a really old computer and didn’t account for latency. And yes, the guitars are particularly “special.”

Well, it’s over. So there’s that. The problem is that I can’t even define what “it” was. What the hell did we just listen to?

Jeff: Bonus points for ending with jingling, at least.

Jason: No. No bonus points. I feel weird and nervous.

Jeff: What did we listen to? That’s an excellent question.

Jason: I feel like I just took a peek into someone’s depraved holiday.

Jeff: I don’t have any idea how to untangle this experience and discuss it intelligibly.

Jason: Maybe it’s better that we don’t know about others’ family traditions, Jeff.

Jeff: Particularly ones that involve GarageBand and errant bass drums?

Jason: Like, think about this: there are so many people out there who have NEVER HEARD of Mellowmas. And think about how much better off they are.

Jeff: You are making so much sense right now.

Jason: Because they didn’t listen to someone’s account of their Very Speical Chirstmas.

Jeff: I’m just going to get up from this table and back away slowly.

Jason: One final thought: What if that chipmunk was actually a gimp-type character that Mike Foerster keeps chained up in his basement?

Jeff: Well, you can go to hell for putting that image in my brain.

Jason: Merry Chirstmas!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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