Jeff: We’re in the home stretch, buddy! Just a few more miserable days to go.

Jason: It feels like it’ll never end! Like Dave Lifton talking about Springsteen.

Jeff: We’re at the part of the Mellowmas season when it’s possible — but not recommended — to look back and take stock of what we’ve heard so far this year.

Jason: Really? We have to? Okay.

Jeff: Look, we definitely don’t need to make a list of this year’s songs. I’m just saying that it’s always around this time when I start to get a feel for which genres or subjects might be missing from a Mellowmas, you know?

Jason: Is “Good” a genre?

Jeff: That’s always curiously lacking, isn’t it? But that isn’t what I’m getting at today.

It occurs to me, friend.

Jason: I am so suspicious of you right now.

Jeff: We’ve been missing something in particular this year.

Jason: What have we been missing?

Jeff: I am TALKING, Jason, about the reason for the season. Y’know, the carpenter’s kid. Manger Boy!

Jason: Jesus! We haven’t talked about Jesus yet?

Jeff: That’s the guy!

Jason: I think you’re forgetting about our friend’s the Hunter’s.

Jeff: You’re right! I’d blanked the Hunter’s out.

Jason: They were all about keeping Christ in Christma’s.

Jeff: Well, only Mrs. Hunter’s’s Christ. Roland Trevino, on the other hand, isn’t anywhere near as selfish.

Jason: Who is Roland Trevino?

Jeff: I couldn’t even begin to tell you. I only know that he performed “Christian Christmas Song” and recorded himself doing so.

And now here we are.


Jason: Whoa.

Jeff: Yup, there he is.

Jason: …I feel like everybody knows a guy like Roland, you know what I mean?

Jeff: Kinda…looks like a Roland, doesn’t he?

Jason: He fixes your car. He makes you a sandwich at the deli.

Jeff: He’s always good for a laugh, but not too much of a laugh.

Jason: He inevitably gets tomato sauce on every shirt he owns.

Jeff: *cackle*

That’s totally Roland! But can Roland carry a tune?

Jason: Only one way to find out!

Jeff: *snaps fingers, taps foot*

He borrowed Ra’Sean Blyden‘s mic, I see.

Jason: This kind of sounds exactly like I would have expected it to sound.

Jeff: Roland Trevino: Live at the Office Holiday Party

Jason: Once a day, he goes into the waiting room of the auto body shop and sings this to all the customers, while a little Christmas tree dances behind him.

His breath smells like coffee.

Jeff: It doesn’t do anything for sales, but it keeps Roland out of the repair bay, so they tolerate it.

Is that Roland peeling off that smokin’ solo, do you think?

Jason: During that solo, he grabs the woman that works at the front desk and makes her dance with him.

Jeff: She puts a little more strychnine in his coffee every day.

Jason: She thought it was funny in 1998 when he first sang this song, but now it just makes her feel bad for him.

Jeff: I seriously wonder if he tracked this vocal while hunched over his laptop, shouting into the little onboard mic.

Jason: When he finishes the song, he takes the pencil from his back pocket and scratches a little “x” on the wall calendar.

Jeff: Second solo!

Jason: And he does that little walk-limp thing – you know how Roland walks? – and scratches his rear end while he heads back to the Camry on the lift. And he thinks to himself, “…yeah.”

Jeff: Oh, Roland!

Jason: Wow, Jeff. I think I just created a new sitcom character. I gotta get myself over to the Groundlings.

Jeff: Absolutely. Oh, Roland! will air between Killin’ It! and Gary’s Place.

Jason: *laugh track* *applause*

*sound of a car motor turning over*

Poor Roland. I wish I could find out more about him, but all I see is a page on CDBaby.

“This song is about putting Jesus back into Christmas using a Pop style background.”

You got it, Roland. You nailed it.

“My music is based on personal experiences of real life. I wrote this song with God in mind, using my Christian upbringing. I try to inspire my listeners with ideas of good. Hoping to gently bring people closer to God.”

You know, that’s noble, but the only thing Roland has gently brought me closer to is joining an improv group.

Jeff: I mean…that would make this totally worth it.

Jason: “Recommended if you like: Dean Martin. George Strait. Hall and Oates.”


Jeff: I’m visiting, which seems to contain a whole bunch of blank pages. I wish I could say I was surprised.

Jason: Oh, Roland! Wherever you are, friend, we hope you’re having a wonderful holiday.

Jeff: *tomato sauce graphic spreads across screen*

*Leon Redbone sings over closing credits*

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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