Jason: JEFF.

Jeff: Jason! What is it?

Jason: Why is there an e-mail from Amazon.com with the subject line “A Gift From Jeff” in my inbox?

Jeff: ‘Tis the season, fucker!

Jason: First of all, Gmail’s filters suck. I could have sworn I had this subject line configured to go straight to Michael Parr.

Jeff: Now I’m imagining the look of confusion on Michael’s face and wishing you’d actually done that.

Jason: But seriously. What the hell is this?

Jeff: Well, Jason, it’s like this.


Jeff: There are certain things we look for in our Mellowmas music, yes?

Jason: So far this season, it’s crass revisions and bondage, but yes.

Jeff: I’ve never bothered to actually write out a list, but if I did, I feel like “married performers” and “bad grammar” would be right on up near the top.

Jason: The Hartungs!

Jeff: Oh, and also “religious pushiness.” That would rank pretty high too.

Jason: I mean, the Hartung’s!

Jeff: Yes! Who could forget our friend’s the Hartungs.

Jason: “Christ in Christmas” by “The Hunter’s”?

Jeff: I saw it and I had to. I seriously haven’t even listened to it. Just look at the cover, though.


Jeff: That. Is. Mellowmas.

Jason: He looks totally into it.

Jeff: Oh, he’s verging on Push Face.

Jason: I can’t find much on these guys, but here’s their CDBaby page.

Jeff: They’re at least consistent with the inappropriate apostrophe. You have to give them that much.

Jason: “Keeping the true meaning of Christmas alive with soulful melodies of Christmas favorites.” I don’t even think that sentence makes sense.

Jeff: Their full-length album, Sounds of the Kingdom, includes the song “Ministry Shall Not Destroy My Marriage (Snippet).” Hmm.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Sounds almost Wiedlin-esque.

Jason: So does “When They Ring Those Golden Balls (Organ Instrumental).”

Jeff: Oof!

Jason: Oh, excuse me. Bells. When They Ring Those Golden Bells.

Jeff: Well, either way, my curiosity is piqued. Shall we?

Jason: Yes, we should listen to not only this song, but all of they’re song’s.

Jeff: Hunter’s here we com’e!

The Hunter’s – Christ in Christmas (download)

Jason: Ooooh.

Jeff: The Hunter’s are all about that bass.

Jason: Kinda funky. Nice guitar. Is she double or triple-tracked?

Jeff: Yes, interesting choice on these vocals.

Jason: She actually said “Xmas.”

Jeff: Are you listening with earbuds? She’s, like, right up in my canal. Oh, here’s Mr. Hunter’s.

Jason: His voice isn’t bad. And he’s single-tracked, so there’s that.

Jeff: Definite plus on the single-tracked.

Jason: Oh wait, three of her are back.

Jeff: I’m so conflicted about this song. Parts of it indicate genuine talent. And yet.

Jason: I’m kind of grooving in my chair, but I feel weird about all the other shout-outs to other Christmas songs.

Jeff: I feel weird about Mrs. Hunter’s. I kind of think she probably can’t sing.

Jason: She just sang “Joy to the World” to the tune of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.”

Oh wait. This is awesome! It’s like song after song after song! They ran out of lyrics!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is fantastic!

Jason: I totally didn’t expect this to happen!

Jeff: Why not, right? There are a million Christmas songs. Why bother writing a new one?

Jason: Please, please, PLEASE go into “I Have a Little Dreidel.”

Jeff: I’m picturing this guitarist half asleep — and Christ, I just realized how much more of this song is left.

Jason: They ran out of lyrics altogether. 15-second fadeout! It’s clear they were renting the studio out by the minute.

Jeff: Yes! It’s like they had the studio time and they weren’t willing to leave any on the table, so they just kept going until the meter ran out.

Well, that did not disappoint.

Jason: Not at all. I thoroughly enjoyed that on like three different level’s.

Jeff: I mean, it DID disappoint, but that means it DIDN’T disappoint for Mellowmas. Oh, this is so confusing.

Jason: But I seriously am really disappointed that they didn’t get a Chanukah song in there.

Jeff: Also, the chorus is stuck in my head now. Does it count as a chorus if it’s 90 percent of the song?

Jason: Yeah, it’s stuck in mine too. We can only hope it’s stuck in the heads of our reader’s.

And that’s not a typo.

Jeff: I especially like how she said “keeping MY Christ in Christmas.”

Jason: Well, Jeff, if there’s anything Mrs. Hunter understands, it’s the possessive.

Huh? HUH??

Jeff: I’m just shaking my head and laughing. I got nothi’n.

Jason: Thank you! I’ll be here all night! Tip your waiter’s!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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