Jeff: T minus 24, Jason.

Jason: Oh, I know. I’ve scratched it into my wall like I’m in jail. Mellowmas is the new black.

Jeff: Your wife likes it when you wear an orange jumpsuit, doesn’t she?

Jason: As long as I have clothes on, she’s happy. And speaking of people who don’t really like me, have you noticed that as each year of Mellowmas progresses, we have more mentions of Jeffrey Thames?

Jeff: I love what he’s done with your Facebook wall.

Jason: If Michael McDonald is the Patron Saint of Popdose, then Jeffrey Thames is the Patron Saint of Being a Pain in My Ass at Mellowmas.

Jeff: I need to remember to donate like a thousand bucks to his next pledge drive.

Jason: For those of you who are joining us for the first time this year, Mr. Thames has suggested such winners as Davy Jones’ “Silent Night” and last year’s finale, the entirety of Christmas Rap.

Jeff: What do they call the leader of the KKK? That’s what Jeffrey Thames is for Mellowmas.

Jason: “A dick”?

Jeff: There you go. Thank you. It was right on the tip of my tongue.

Jason: Speaking of a dick right on the tip of your tongue, say hi to your mother for me.

Jeff: I think she’s out with Pierre Perpall tonight.

Jason: Better than Arne Benoni.

Jeff: *shudder*

Jason: Anyway, it’s early, but Thames will most likely be responsible for at least a few songs on this year’s list.

Jeff: Yeah, speaking of shuddering.

And bondage.

Jason: Yes! Jane Wiedlin.

Now, I admit that I have a soft spot in my heart for Jane Wiedlin.

Jeff: She’s got me in the rush hour! To wishing it was already December 3.

Jason: Back in the ’80s, there was a show on Nickelodeon called “Don’t Just Sit There!”

Jeff: You’re like an encyclopedia of basic cable garbage.

Jason: And I happened to be in the studio audience on the day Jane Wiedlin came in to promote/lip-sync “Rush Hour.”

Jeff: Who’s taller, you or Jane Wiedlin?

Jason: At the time, she was!

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: In fact, nobody will be able to prove this is me, but if you go to 2:15 in this clip, I’m the little blip in the red shirt to the left of the camera.

Jeff: I’m pretty sure that’s Thierry CÁ´tÁ©.

Jason: He is also a little blip. In any case, so she’s up there “singing” this song, and I swear to you, Jeff, she was looking straight at me the whole goddamn song. And I’m like ten years old and thinking HOLY SHIT, JANE WIEDLIN IS INTO ME.

Jeff: And that’s when puberty started for young Jason Hare.

Jason: What a way to go, right? Why couldn’t I have fallen for a Bangle?

Jeff: I think Will Harris just stood up so fast he knocked over his table.

Anyway, Jane Wiedlin of “Rush Hour”? Not the Jane Wiedlin of Mellowmas.

Jason: Yeah. Things are…different.

Jeff: Not in any way that I would have chosen, either.

Jason: She’s into some weird stuff, right? I seem to remember this from an episode of The Surreal Life.

Jeff: Bondage! If only this song were about bondage.

Jason: In fact, if you go to this clip of The Surreal Life, that little blip in the red shirt next to the candles is…kidding.

Jeff: “Santa Ball Gag Baby” would have been fun.

“Do You Hear My Safe Word?”

Jason: “Have Yourself a Leather Little Christmas”

Jeff: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Gimp”

Jason: “The Christmas Song (Your Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire)”

Jeff: The reality of the situation is far less exciting. “What Do You Want for Xmas?”

Jason: Well, in all fairness, we don’t know yet what it is she wants. Or wants us to want. Or orders us to want.

Jeff: Only one way to find out, right?

Jane Wiedlin — What Do You Want for Xmas? (download)

Jane Wiedlin

Jeff: Ugh. Nope.

Jason: That’s the Captain on piano. I’m positive.

Jeff: Eww, what if she’s dating him now?

Jason: Candle wax will keep them together.

Jeff: Naughty boys get naughty toys, Jason.

Jason: “Make a wish on Santa’s beard.” Ewww.

Jeff: She’ll rosy your rear? Is that what she said?

Jason: And something about making a mess. This song is so gross.

Jeff: This PIANO SOLO is so gross. She should have hired Genie Francis’ brothers to produce this.

Jason: Elizabeth Chan wishes she wrote this song.

Jeff: This is only two minutes long? It feels like a full side of Tales from Topographic Oceans.

Jason: Nerd joke!

Jeff: Jason, what’s the audience for this song?

Jason: Sadly, it might be you and me.

Jeff: Oh, Jane.

Jason: I mean, if nothing else, I expected better production values.

Jeff: At the very least. But I mean, are Go-Go’s fans going to buy this?

Jason: I don’t know. I’m trying to think of a parallel. Like, would I buy a Roger Daltrey Christmas single?

Jeff: I’m betting “yes.”

Jason: If I also knew that Roger Daltrey liked to use whips and chains?

Jeff: I’m betting “hell yes.”

Jason: Okay, fair point.

Well, a whole bunch of Go-Go’s fans are now out at least 99 cents. And two minutes they can never have back.

Jeff: And now the countdown begins for Belinda Carlisle to release “Christmas Is a Place on Earth.”

Jason: “Mad About Yule.”


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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