Jason: IT’S HERE!

Jeff: Go away!


Jeff: I don’t want to do this anymore!

Jason: Looks like we maaaaaade it!

Jeff: After all the hateful things you said yesterday, I’m afraid what “made it” means. What have you done, you sadist?

Jason: Well, actually, it’s funny. I stayed up all night looking for something truly awful for you. But I actually couldn’t find anything. I mean, think about all the stuff that we’ve covered this year. Let’s do the ’80s sitcom flashback, shall we?

Jeff: Ha ha ha! Let’s!

Jason: Alexander O’Neal! The one song that was actually pretty good!

Jeff: Don’t forget Wintley Phipps!

Jason: Our buddy from Toehider!

Jeff: Not as good as Alexander O’Neal or Wintley Phipps, but okay.

Jason: And who could fourget the Consoultant?

Jeff: Almost everyone who’s ever accidentally heard Consoultant! But not us, sadly.

Jason: Remember when we Ralf’d, Jeff? Man, did we Ralf heartily.

Jeff: Oh my goodness, yes.

Jason: Our friends the Robertsons have gotten themselves into some trouble since we last heard them open up their yappers. Though they have Sarah Palin on their side, so I’m sure nothing bad will come of that. And Jeff, let’s not forget about Zendaya.

Jeff: And Elizabeth Chan, too! Who says we misinterpreted her song, by the way.

Jason: Okay, we can have the camera do that thing where it brings us back to present day.

Jeff: Can it bring us back to a couple hours from now?

Jason: All I’m saying is that we’ve truly covered some clunkers this year. We’ve had no shortage of Mellowmas gold. I just don’t think I have anything that can truly…oh, wait.

Jeff: I knew it. Son of a bitch.

Jason: My doorbell just rang.

Jeff: I hope it’s Dorothy Finch.

Jason: Who knew they made deliveries on Christmas Day? Well done, Jeff Bezos!

Jeff: Is it an armed drone? KILL HIM, DRONE

Jason: Huh. It’s not from Amazon. It was my next door neighbor. Apparently a package arrived a few months ago and it went to his house by mistake. Let me just see who it’s from….OH GODDAMMIT.

Jeff: It wasn’t from me, I know that much.

Jason: It’s from Thames.

Jeff: The Mellowmas Bandit!

Jason: Jeffrey Thames. Readers, if you don’t remember, Jeffrey Thames brought us Davy Jones’ Christmas song a couple of years ago.

Jeff: Which ended up killing Davy Jones, if I recall correctly.

Jason: On the day my daughter was born! Jesus, Thames.

Jeff: So not only is Thames the type of person who deliberately sends people bad music, he’s a murderer.

Jason: They don’t call him “King of Grief” for nothing. And it’s all coming back to me now. He asked me for my address a while back.

Jeff: Why do you give people your address?

Jason: Because last time he asked for it, he sent me an Air Supply guitar pick!

Jeff: The Trojan Pick!

Jason: And also because if I don’t, how else will I receive autographed photos of Conrad Bain?

Jeff: I said “people,” not me. I need to have your address.

Jason: Oh god. I just opened the package. Take a look at this.

Christmas Rap Music

Jeff: *groan* Which pedophile’s garage sale did he dig that out of?

Jason: The cover is cracked and there’s sticker residue on the front cover. Thames, you’re a sick man.

Jeff: Maybe the CD is missing.

Jason: IT’S NOT.

Jeff: *ahem* I said MAYBE THE CD IS MISSING


There is very little information about this CD. No liner notes (shocker!).

“1990 Sliver Bells Music, Nashville, TN 327203.”

Jeff: Sliver Bells! Wow.

Jason: You’re ignoring the more important part: 1990. NASHVILLE. You know, where all the rap artists lived.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m taking the deepest sigh of my life.

Jason: I have a feeling we’re in for a world of hurt.

Jeff: 1990 was before people started passing sampling laws. Maybe this sounds like Paul’s Boutique!

Jason: Yes. Maybe it does.

Spoiler alert: I don’t think that it does.

Jeff: It doesn’t, does it?

Jason: Only one way to find out. Let’s start with the brilliantly titled “The Christmas Rap.”

The Christmas Rap (download)

Jason: That opening. Is this an outtake from Bad?

Jeff: Not Paul’s Boutique. Not even “Do the Bartman.”

Jason: But ain’t it funky, Jeff. OH MY GOD.

Jeff: Nope, not funky at all.


Jeff: Clippity clap! Tippity tap!

Jason: Santa rap!

And keep in mind that the song is actually called “The Christmas Rap,” not “The Santa Rap.” THAT’S how lazy this is.

Jeff: Didn’t Dudley Moore make a Christmas movie around 1990? This should have been the song in the closing scene.

Jason: Ha! Yes!

Ha ha ha ha! That second sample isn’t even in the same key! Where the hell does that “ain’t it funky” sample come from? Someone HAS to know.

Jeff: Reindeer roll call!

Jason: Don’t forget the one with the shiny nose!


Jason: This is astounding.

Jeff: Can you send this to Bill O’Reilly? The “War on Christmas” ended in 1990, and Christmas lost.

If you want a ball or a bat, a doll or a hat, it’s in the Santa sack, Jason.

Jason: I love the idea that this company — whoever they were — thought they could capitalize on rap’s emergence into the mainstream by having some Nashville white dude record a rap like this.

Jeff: Well, that was definitely one of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life.

Jason: He sounded kind of rape-y, didn’t he?

Jeff: Oh, you bet.

Jason: Now I want to hear him cover “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with John Travolta. One year ago today! *pours out egg nog*

Jeff: Well, maybe next year. So, mission accomplished, eh? That sure sucked hard.

Jason: No. No “mission accomplished.”

Jeff: You can’t possibly want to hear more of this shit.

Jason: I don’t. But you were awful yesterday.

Jeff: The only thing I want to hear now is Thames apologizing for sending it, or maybe Thames eating the disc.

Yesterday we all gathered ’round and sang happy biwthday to Jesus!

Jason: And today I’m making you listen to at least one more example of “Christmas rap music.” Because if you call it “rap music,” you definitely know what you’re talking about.

Jeff: “Christmas in Hollis”! Perfect.

Jason: Close! “The First Noel.”

Jeff: AW, MAN

The First Noel (download)

Jeff: Hey, it’s that one beat!

Jason: YES! It’s the Fresh Prince-y beat! But lamer!

Jeff: Hit it!

Jason: Okay, so that’s actually a black guy.

Jeff: Listening to this guy rap, I’m pretty sure he did it for the money.

Jason: Christmas rap! Is the first noel! Born is the king! Of Israel! And we’re back to the start! Wheeeee!

Jeff: Listen to him! He sounds so bored!

Jason: I am half-disappointed that it’s not the white guy again.

Jeff: I am too, honestly. I didn’t feel bad for that guy.

Jason: What the hell does “Christmas rap is the first noel” mean?

Jeff: Jason, what does ANY of this mean?

Jason: I love this. They were like, “Just say the lyrics. Just do them without any singing. That’s what rap is.”

Jeff: Hey, we just heard them rhyme frankincense twice!

Poor James Brown.

Jason: One! Two! Three! Hit it!

Jeff: Shit, we’ve only been listening to this for three minutes?

Jason: I would LOVE to meet this guy.

Jeff: I feel like we have to be on to at least the ninth Noel by now. “Noel: The College Years.”

In the fields where they lay / In the fields where they lay, keeping the sheep

Jason: I seriously love that this exists.

Jeff: You’re a bad person.

Jason: Who the fuck BOUGHT this? Other than Thames?

Jeff: Grandparents desperately trying to connect with their grandkids? “Merry Christmas, Derek. Your mother says you’ve been listening to the rap music.”

Jason: YES. I wish I knew more about this. I wish I knew who created it, who recorded it, how many units it sold…

Jeff: I wish I knew that someone lost a lot of money or went to jail because of this.

Jason: I think we should offer this entire album up to our readers as a little Mellowmas gift. What do you think?

Jeff: Now you’re talking!

Jason: Great!

Jeff: Sharing the Mellowmas “love.”


Jeff: Ugh, what now?

Jason: Up to you! I’m relatively certain that any track you pick will be terrible.

Jeff: Hey, you know what? I don’t think we’ve ever covered “The Twelve Days of Christmas” during Mellowmas. And hey, here it is.

Jason: You are totally forgetting our Disco Mellowmas!

Jeff: That was a “Twelve Days of Christmas”? Wow, I’d completely blocked it out.

Have we covered “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”?

Because your mother came upon a midnight clear. And on my coffee table.

Jason: We could also do “Up on the Housetop,” which is where I stuck it to your mom last summer.

Jeff: We could do “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” which is what your mom said to that convention center full of Marines.

Jason: Or “We Three Kings,” which is what she calls my crotch.

I’m crying over here.

Jeff: This is what Mellowmas is all about.

Jason: Mellowmas Tears: I have them.

Jeff: Ah, there’s that quizzical look I get from my wife every year.

Jason: I can’t breathe.

Jeff: Seems like the perfect time for one last blast of Mellowmas punishment. Which shitty song shall it be?

Jason: Oh man. I don’t know. I don’t care. Pick any of them.

Jeff: “Deck the Halls,” my friend. Let us deck them, one by one.

Deck the Halls (download)

Jason: Is this some bastardized version of “Africa”? Sounds like a Toto ripoff.

Jeff: Don’t you dare talk about Toto that way.

Jason: Tis the season to be joyfully jolly!

Jeff: Are these the most dead-sounding “fa la la las” you’ve ever heard? This kid sounds like he’d rather be anywhere else.

Jason: Until I force Thames to say them as I’m slowly choking him, yes.

Jeff: I’m imagining a whole scenario here. I’m imagining that this whole thing is the result of a bad joke that went too far.

Jason: I feel like that’s Mellowmas, but go on.

Jeff: Like, this rapping idiot met a producer, and just to mess with him, he told him that he could make a ton of money by putting together an album of Christmas rap music.
And then he ended up getting roped into rapping on the album, except for the last track, which was handled by the producer. And the rapper and the producer were the only two people who were ever at the sessions.

Jason: Interesting. I just imagined that some yokel producers went out on to the street, found a black guy and were like, “Done and done.”

Jeff: Would you go out on the street and ask a random black guy to do this shit?

Jason: I wouldn’t go out on the street and ask ANYBODY to do this shit!

Jeff: Good point, good point.

Jason: But I WOULD make our listeners endure it.

Jeff: Again, this was Nashville in 1990.

Jason: And THAT’S what I just can’t get over.

Jeff: Their geographic distance enabled them to look over on an emerging trend from afar. And what to their wandering eyes should appear but dollar signs, seen from their heads up their rears!

Jason: And yay, up on the housetop, they cobbled together $75 worth of studio time and a used Yamaha synthesizer from a garage sale.

Jeff: Plus one James Brown sample that was absolutely not cleared.

Jason: Ain’t it funky!

Spoiler alert: it is not.

Jeff: This was a lot worse than Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta.

This was worse than Wingmas on a Helicopter.

Jason: You know what the worst part about this whole thing is? This entire season, Thames has been posting shit on our Facebook walls. And I keep saying to myself, “Don’t encourage him. Don’t encourage him.”

Jeff: The worst part about that? Thames doesn’t need your encouragement.

Jason: I may just block him.

Jeff: He has your address, dummy.

Jason: I may just move.
I may just kill the mailman.
I have options.

Jeff: You have Mellowmas.

Jason: We ALL have Mellowmas.

Jeff: It’s incurable, it spreads, and it’s only getting worse.

Jason: And so we close another awful, awful season. Thank you, readers, for joining us on this abysmal journey.

Jeff: Thank you, misguided artists, for…well, no, I’m not thanking them. Or anyone, really.

Jason: Your reward is 10 tracks of shit. Oh, and Track Three is actually two tracks in one; these assholes didn’t separate them when they put this on CD.

Jeff: That’s some Mellowmas right there!

Jason: So download these songs. Play them for your family.

Jeff: Hurt others the way we have been hurt.

Jason: And if they really leave you feeling sick and vengeful, I have one shining piece of good news for you. Thames put his return address on the package.

Jeff: Oh hell yes. 2014: Thamesmas!

Jason: JASON DO.

Jeff: Well, I’m off to don my gay apparel, by which I mean the Liberace vest you sent me years ago, and drink myself into a stupor.

Jason: I’m off to dunk my head into Christmas tree water and see how long before I drown.

Jeff: Same time next year, then?

Jason: Wouldn’t miss it!

Jeff: I won’t miss it either, but I’m sure I’ll be here on December 1 again. Merry Mellowmas, everybody!

Jason: *gives Internet the finger*

Up on the Housetop (download)

We Three Kings/Jingle Bells (download)

O Little Town of Bethlehem (download)

Joy to the World (download)

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear (download)

The Twelve Days of Christmas (download)

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (download)

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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