Jason: Our readers probably are aware that the holiday season starts much earlier for us. Sometimes even earlier than it starts at your local drug store.

Jeff: Very true. I feel like we got kind of a late start this year, and we kicked off in…what, September?

Jason: It might have even been after Halloween. It’s hard to remember, but I know there have been years where we’ve started in August. My point is that we are exposed to the crass commercialism of Christmas way earlier than either of us would like.

Why do we do it? Because we hate all of you.

Jeff: Is that why? I’ve lost track.

Jason: I have a lot of hate in my heart, Jeff.

Jeff: I feel like we’ve gotten to the point where we do it mostly because everyone expects us to and we’re too polite to say no. Well, actually that isn’t true. You say no every year. I just ignore you. Maybe I’m the one with the problem here.

God, I need a drink.

Jason: I did NOT say “no” this year! I just said “fuck off,” which I say for a variety of reasons.

Jeff: *waves hand dismissively*

Jason: I mean, even the stuff we don’t cover — like Mary J. Bligemas, Kelly Clarksonmas — we still listen to. And it just reminds me how commercial this holiday is. I know I sound like Linus right now. But it’s true.

Jeff: People have forgotten the reason for the season, is what you’re saying.

Jason: Yeah. So I don’t know. I was thinking…nah, never mind.

Jeff: Hey, you’re among friends here. You can say it.

Jason: You’ll think it’s stupid. And cheesy.

Jeff: It’s Mellowmas! Stupid and cheesy is why we’re here!

Jason: Well, I was just wondering if maybe we could cover something that was actually about the reason for Christmas. You know, Christ being born and all that. I’m not a religious guy, but I can still appreciate the meaning behind the holiday, as obscured as it might be these days.

Jeff: Baby Jesus.

Jason: There are a lot of tasteful songs about Jesus. I love “O Holy Night.” And everybody should go out right now and listen to “Mary and Joseph” by Dave Barnes.

Jeff: Is “The Birds of Christmas” about Jesus? No, wait, that song disproves Jesus. Never mind.

Jason: See? So much out there that keeps us away from the true reason for the season. Dorothy Finch does not, in fact, keep Christ in Christmas. She keeps the “creepy” in “creepy.”

Jeff: She keeps Christ in the basement next to her adult-sized cage. (Note: Christ is the name of her rottweiler.)

Jason: So anyway…you think you could find something for us?

Jeff: Oh, I have no doubt. It’s indubitable. Let’s see here…

Oh! I know.

Jason: I knew I could count on you.

Jeff: This looks perfect. You’re going to love it. It’s called “Happy Birthday Jesus.”

Jason: My dad sings that every year on Christmas!

Jeff: He should sue!

Jason: Well, he just sings it to the tune of “Happy Birthday,” which means he probably has a lawsuit of his own coming his way.

Jeff: I’m hoping this is one of those 15-second birthday songs that the wait staff have to sing at restaurants now to avoid paying publishing fees on “Happy Birthday,” only with “Jesus” added at the end.

Jason: “Happy Birthday Jesus, from all of us at Houlihan’s!”

Jeff: Are you ready to hear a little burst of real holiday magic?

Jason: Ooooh, synthy.

Jeff: Those keyboards. They sound wet.




Jason: *frowns*


Jason: This does not sound like it’s the woman on the cover of this album. Well, at least it’s just one kid, right?

Jeff: All the carols and bells / Make the holiday swell / And it’s all about yooooooooooooou

Jason: OH GOD


Jason: This is awful. Awful, awful, awful.

Jeff: I’m not sure, but I think the worst part might be the way they all pronounce “biwthday.”

Jason: And not that I’ve REALLY been noticing, but this is the exact same verse as the first one? A little bit louder, a little bit worse?

Jeff: I have no idea.

Jason: Happy birthday, Jesus. Jesus, I love you.

Jeff: If ever a Mellowmas performer needed a good smiting…

Jason: …what just happened?

Jeff: A whole studio of people lost their damn minds, that’s what happened.

Jason: I asked you for a song celebrating Jesus, and you give me THIS?

Jeff: It’s called “Happy Birthday Jesus”! Don’t blame me. You’re the one who wasn’t happy with plain old secular shitty holiday music. And while we’re at it, most of those songs were written by your people anyway.

Jason: Yes, that’s true. And I feel like two things could have happened here. Either you didn’t listen to this beforehand, or YOU LISTENED TO THIS BEFOREHAND. Either way, I hate you and everything you stand for.

Jeff: I stand for bourbon and atheism! And children not being allowed near microphones!

Jason: I hope you stand for getting hit by a bus, and I hope I’m driving said bus. This is the worst Christmas Eve EVER.

Jeff: Well, at least you’ve been reminded of exactly why you feel this way. Baby Jesus.

Jason: Forget what I said before about the reason for the season. Christmas is about revenge.

Why don’t you just go to sleep? I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.

Jeff: Uh, I’m not sleepy.

Jason: I don’t know what we’ll listen to yet. But I promise you it will make you sorry you didn’t pick a song by Steven Curtis Chapman or something.

Those words have never before been uttered, nor will they ever be uttered again.

Jason: I am going to send your wife $100 to drop some chloroform in your egg nog.

Jeff: How about you just take tomorrow off, old pal? I’ll just finish Mellowmas by myself. I’ll listen to something really bad, I promise.

Jason: Not a chance, fucker! We’ve made it this far. There’s no turning back now.

See you tomorrow. Ho, ho, ho.

Jeff: Jesus, I hate you.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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