Jeff: Jason, baby?

Jason: I can’t tell if you’re trying to sweet-talk me or you’re singing a version of “Santa Baby.” Either way, I’m skeptical.

Jeff: Jason, baby, you know what time it is?

Jason: Please say it’s 12:01 AM on December 26th and I’m done with everything that’s awful about this season.

Jeff: Awwww no.

Jason: I don’t like the way you’re talking right now.

Jeff: It’s time once again for a little New Jack Mellowmas, my friend.

Jason: Is it REALLY that time? Really?

Jeff: Awwwww yeah. How would you feel about some Alexander O’Neal up in here? (Spoiler: It doesn’t matter how you answer.)

Jason: I’d shrug, because I have no idea who that is.

Jeff: Perfect! That’s the Mellowmas gesture. Followed by quickly clapping one’s hands over one’s ears.

Jason: Did we do any New Jack Mellowmas last year?

Jeff: If I’ve let a year go by without any New Jack Mellowmas, I’ve let us all down.

Jason: All I can ever remember is Keith Sweat from years and years ago.

Jeff: *ahem* Jeffrey Osborne

Jason: I think that was years and years ago, too!

Jeff: Oh, and the O’Jays. And who could forget Teddy Pendergrass?

Jason: We need to hire a Mellowmas historian.

Jeff: I hear Dave Lifton is cheap. Or maybe that’s just his mother. (“ME!” –Dave Lifton)

Anyway, Jason, Alexander O’Neal has a gift for us this Mellowmas. It’s called “My Gift to You.”

Jason: Wow. You weren’t kidding. He literally has a gift for us.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m spraying Drakkar everywhere.

Jason: Whoa, smells like 7th grade.

Jeff: I’m not really sure what year this was recorded, but I’m going to go ahead and say 1989.

Jason: You’re probably right. Let’s see.


Jeff: Damn, I’m good.

Jason: I don’t think that phrase is correct during this time of year.

Jeff: I love this already.

Jason: Ding dong, ding dong!

Jeff: I want to live in this song.

Jason: Falsetto! OooooOOOOOOOhhhhh! Oh HELL yes!

Jeff: Dance with me, Jason.

Jason: Can’t. Too busy dry humping the air. Oh hello, ’80s backing vocals!

Jeff: “This package I will bring to you is my gift to you.” *cackle*

You so smooth, Alexander.

Jason: Ten bucks says that’s Atlantic Starr in the background.

Jeff: Ten bucks says this song inspired “Dick in a Box”! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

Jason: Yeah, I do too. It’s because you and I are suckers for nostalgia.

Jeff: This song might as well have been recorded in a mall, with overdubs in a school gym.

Jason: This sounds like so many other songs, none of which I can actually name right now.

Jeff: My gift to yoooooooooooooooooooooooou

Alexander O’Neal meant all fourteen syllables of that.

Jason: You know what this song needs? More synths.

Jeff: Is this a bridge?

Jason: There’s like a little bit of Gregory Abbott in here too.

Jeff: These synths are cracking me up. Whoever produced this had a sense of humor.

Jason: Not in 1988, they didn’t! This was absolutely perfect for the time.

Jeff: It was perfect for the time, but it also has these funny little touches in the background every so often — these little keyboard runs that aren’t really there for any reason.

Synth sleigh bells! My favorite!

Jason: So many September babies as a result of this song.


Jason: Readers, help us out. There are at least three or four songs in the Billboard 100 from 1988 that fit this mold. You can pick from 1987 too, if you like.

Jeff: I feel like Mike Heyliger is pissed at us for not knowing what they are off the tops of our heads, but I’m too blissed out on Alexander O’Neal’s “My Gift to You” to worry about that right now.

Jason: Yeah. No more thinking. Let’s just stand here and slow dance.

Jeff: Yeah, baby.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles