Jason: It’s Mellowmas Eve!
Jeff: The very…last…Mellowmas…Eve.
Jason: C’mere, buddy. It’ll be okay. I promise. Let me hold you.
…have you been working out?
Jeff: You smell like Drakkar.
Jason: Thank you!
Jeff: You haven’t washed this sweater since 1993, have you?
Jason: I’m afraid it won’t fit otherwise. Anyway, I just can’t believe we’re almost done with this holiday. This year really flew by, although I guess that’s because we ran so many re-runs.
Jeff: They were kind of fun! I’d sort of forgotten most of them.
Jason: With one day left to go, tell me: how are you feeling?
Jeff: I’m so conflicted, Jason.
Jason: What are you conflicted about? Is it about your sexuality again?
Jeff: For most of the last 10 years, at this point in December, I’m usually already so exhausted by Mellowmas that I can’t wait for the stupid month to be over.
Jason: Because now I can finally tell you that I too am….oh, never mind.
Jason: Yes. Yes! What you said. That. Are you telling me you don’t feel that way right now?
Jeff: This year, as Mellowmas Eve approacheth, I find myself filled with a curious blend of relief and sadness.
Jason: I understand one of those emotions. Why sadness?
Jeff: We’re living on the edge of a broken Mellowmas! The end of a tradition. Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy.
Jason: Wow. Did you seriously just mashup S.E. Hinton and Vixen?
Jeff: As God and nature intended!
Yet on the other hand, I can look forward to a lot more free time next December. And a lot less eye-rolling from my wife.
Jason: Mine might actually talk to me again!
Jeff: Hence my ambivalence, Jason.
Jason: But I don’t know, man. We’ve covered so much over these ten years. What’s really left?
Jeff: I’m glad you asked!
Jason: OH MY GOD DID I REALLY JUST WALK RIGHT INTO THAT
Jeff: leprechaun dance
Do you need me to say the words?
Go ahead. You know you want to.
Jeff: It’s like this!
Jason: You son of a bitch.
Jeff: I’m clapping with glee right now. All my sadness is gone for the moment. But you know whose sadness lingers, however?
Jason: Mine, because I haven’t yet shut down my computer on this chat session?
Jeff: Well, yes. And also Santa.
Jason: Santa? Why on earth would Santa be sad? He’s delivering all those toys!
Jeff: Santa cries on Christmas Eve, Jason!
Jason: Oh, he does not. Shut up. The only reason I can envision Santa crying on Christmas Eve is if someone left him a vegan cookie or something.
Jeff: I’m telling you he does. I found out from Romeo’s Fault feat. the Hope for Africa Children’s Choir.
Jason: Who’s Who feat. the Who for Who Who’s Who?
Jeff: Do you feel the Mellowmas magic just pulsing through those words, Jason? Specifically “Children’s Choir”?
Jason: I feel nothing but anticipatory seething rage, Jeff.
Jeff: We get a sad Christmas song, which I know you love, and also a children’s choir! AND I get to leprechaun dance and say “It’s like this.” This is the most wonderful time of the year.
Jason: Please, just get this over with. I want to die quickly.
Jeff: Jason, I give you … “Who Said Santa Doesn’t Cry on Christmas Eve?”
Jason: What. The. Hell.
Jeff: Well, this is immediately the worst.
Jason: Are there like two different awful choirs starting at different times?
Jeff: Also, was this backing track stolen from a Kajagoogoo B-side?
Jason: This intro seems incredibly unnecessary. And yet, I wish this guy had never started adding vocals.
Jeff: The intro is a towering feat of musical genius compared with these lead vocals.
Jason: “Erase all my realities.” YES PLEASE
Hey, you know what would be great? If the kids could come back.
Jeff: SHUT UP AFRICAN KIDS
Jason: Oh, hey look who’s back. It’s Romeo. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is definitely his fault.
Jeff: I assumed the Hope for Africa Children’s Choir was some made-up thing, by the way, but it’s real.
Jason: I actually don’t mind the backing track so much.
Jeff: I feel like the backing track belongs in a mid-’80s movie starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. The vocals belong in the garbage disposal.
I’m so glad we have a minute left to go in this song.
Jason: “All I want for Christmas is for someone to smile.” Not happening today, kids!
Jeff: The longer we listen to this, the more desperate I become to understand how this happened.
Jason: And you know who you can blame?
Jason: ROMEO. BLAME ROMEO.
Jeff: Oh good, the song has a video!
Jason: No. You can’t make me. I willn’t.
Jeff: It starts off with footage of Black Friday, which seems inappropriate.
“A celebratory yet somber collaboration between Romeo’s Fault and the children of Uganda featured in the Hope For Africa’s Children Choir.”
Jason: You cannot make me watch a celebratory yet somber collaboration between Romeo’s Fault and the children of Uganda featured in the Hope For Africa’s Children Choir.
Jeff: Also, this was uploaded in 2013! How did we miss it?
Jason: A more appropriate, sadder question is: why did I click on it when I said specifically I wouldn’t?
This sounds like a different version. And I hate that I know that. I hate so much right now.
Jeff: Same! The video version is faster, which is a plus. Possibly making it more appropriate for a mid-’80s movie starring Eric Stoltz.
Jason: Well, I guess I was wrong. Prior to this, I couldn’t envision a world where Santa cried on Christmas Eve. And now, I can fully understand a world where all he does is cry all year long.
Jeff: And all it took was some Ugandan children!
Jason: Hold on, I’m extending my middle finger in Romeo’s direction.
Jeff: Who said Jason
Who said Jason doesn’t cry
Jason: I hope you’re happy.
Jeff: Color my mood celebratory, yet somber.