Jeff: You probably remember how upset I got yesterday when you took us to Germany for a very VEIHNACHTEN Mellowmas.

Jason: I do. I thought about it all night while staring up at the ceiling. Afeared that Fredlostok was coming to get me. That he was going to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” me, if you know what I mean.

Jeff: A sensible fear! But once I calmed down a little, I decided we might as well stay in Europe for today’s entry.

Jason: Oh man. For a minute, I thought you were going to say that Europe recorded a Christmas song. It’s the final stocking! Doo doo doo doo!

Jeff: Oh, that would be super cool, and I’m sure it’ll happen at some point within the next five years. But no.

Jason: And then to the tune of “Carrie,” you could be like: MERRRRRRY! MERRRRRRY!

Jeff: Europe’s Two Hits for Christmas

Jason: I’ll stop this joke now. Not because I think it’s dead, but because I only know two Europe songs.

Jeff: “It’s no joke!” –Europe’s accountant

Jason: Okay, so where else in Europe are we headed?

Jeff: Anyway, rather than scary Austrians, I thought you might like to know what Christmas sounds like when sung about by a Spaniard with bad teeth.

Jason: Can’t be worse than Fredlostok. I wouldn’t say I’d “like to know,” but I’ll take it.

Jeff: Jason, I give you…Wilfredo. Lover. Thinker. Poet. Drinker.

Jason: Wait. That’s YOU.

Jeff: Hey, you’re right! That son of a bitch stole my credo! It’s cool, though. He got stuck with the Great Carmella.

Jason: The Great Whomella?

Jeff: Beats me, but together they’re making “Peace All Over the World.” Who doesn’t want peace at Mellowmas time, Jason?

Jason: Oh, I definitely want peace at Mellowmas time. I’m ready for this.

Jeff: Mellowmas phlegm! Ba ba ba ba ba

Jason: Phlegmas!

Jeff: Shelebrate!

Jason: Christmas is a time for you! Whoa! That guy is FUCKING AWESOME.

Jeff: Ah, I love a Christmas song that uses the word “donkey” in the lyrics. Feliz Navidaaaaaaaaad

Jason: Jeff. I LOVE this.

Jeff: Fa la la la la! I’m glad you love it, buddy. Mellowmas is a time for cheer! Rum pa pum pum. Shit on my knee!

Jason: I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have no idea what’s going on.

Jason and Jeff in unison: Piss all over the world at Christmastime!

Jeff: Dance with me, Jason.

Jason: Pretty sure I just heard some Hebrew in there.

Jeff: I think Carmella is crying, but I’m not sure.

Jason: Grathiath!

Jeff: Is this guy what really happened to Andy Kaufman?

Jason: More phlegm! And an extremely well-placed “Oh my God!”

Jeff: I never want this song to end.

Jason and Jeff in unison: Piss all over the world at Christmas time!

Jason: Ahh, it’s over! NO! YES!




Jeff: FUCK yeah.

Jason: Oh God, I’m cackling over here.

Jeff: That was magic. Magic!

Jason: I’m seriously going to go buy that song.

Jeff: This is our Mellowmas miracle of 2014.

Jason: I may even listen to it again right now.






Jason: Me too! Here are our geniuses.

Jeff: Throw money at them, friends. For they have bestowed upon us a heaping helping of Mellowmas joy.

Jason: I mean, I think it’s safe to say that when you found this song, you had no idea it was by comedians in character.

Jeff: Nope! I figured they were just a couple of gross Spaniards. Safe assumption, right?

Jason: And we generally don’t feature songs by artists who are in on the joke, but this is too good to pass up.

Jeff: Agreed! This is marvelous. Majestic, even. Just bought you the single, buddy. Happy Mellowmas to you.

Jason: Jeff! Buddy! You didn’t have to do that!

Jeff: Hey. ‘Tis the season, right?

Jason: Next time I see you, my friend, I will shit on your lap and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Jeff: Piss all over the world, everyone!

Jason: *Mellowmas phlegm*

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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