Jason: Weren’t we talking recently about our lack of Mellowmas songs in other languages?

Jeff: We totally were. You’re about to make me wish we weren’t, aren’t you? They can’t all be as much fun as gentle, pine-crotched Wolfgang C. Gmoser.

Jason: Well, as you know, I mentally block out each of our chats after we have them. But I’m never going to forget VERGISSMEINNICHT.

Jeff: God, who could forget VERGISSMEINNICHT? That shit was horrifying.

Jason: Well, yeah. That’s what I remember. I don’t remember what it means at all. Other than nightmares for days.

Jeff: It means “forget-me-not,” and I recall that the CD I ordered you was supposed to come with a “surprise on top.” Was it a lock of Benny Mardones’ hair? One of Timothy B. Schmit’s talons? I’ve wondered all these years.

Jason: I think it was the tighty-whities from one of the guys in Ambrosia.


Jason: In any case, I think I might have found another VERGISSMEINNICHT. Not that there can ever be another VERGISSMEINNICHT, but if there ever was a VERGISSMEINNICHT sequel, maybe this would be that VERGISSMEINNICHT sequel?


Jeff: I do not recall ever asking for a sequel.

Jason: I do not recall ever asking for a ninth year of Mellowmas, but here we are.

Jeff: “German death metal” and “Christmas” don’t go together, Jason.

Jason: This song is called “Veihnachten.”

Jeff: VEIHNACHTEN! After covering “The Christmas Dance” and Wolfgang’s song, I know that word has something to do with a night.

Jason: I Googled it, and found this: “Weihnachten is the observance of what is commonly known in English as Christmas Day in the German speaking countries like Germany, Austria and Switzerland.”

It’s by Fredlostok.

Jeff: Fredlostock Schneidermangen? VEIHNACHTENCAKE?

Jason: I went to Fredlostok in ’04. The lineup was terrible.

Take a look at this cover:


Jeff: What the hell?

Jason: Guy with a goatee chillin’ in a manger.

Jeff: Is that a Nativity scene? I can’t tell.

Jason: Either way, with a cover like that, what could go wrong?

Jeff: “Guy with a goatee chillin’ in a manger” sounds like the opening line from a Beastie Boys Christmas song. Can we listen to one of those instead?

Jason: You know we can’t.

Fredlostok, “Veihnachten”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha!

Jason: OH YEAH! Sing it, Fredlostok!

Jeff: Counting is funny when Germans do it.


Jason: More nightmares are coming our way!


Wait, what’s happening NOW?

Jason: It’s a lullab…wait!

Jeff: *shakes head violently*

Jason: Now it’s not again! Totally putting this on my daughter’s Christmas mix.

She listens to it every night when she goes to sleep. Not that she’ll ever be sleeping again.

Whoa, pretty bridge! Wait, NO. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK

Jeff: I am frightened and disoriented, and I get the joke, you kraut fuckers. This can be over now, thank you!


Every daddy! Every daddy has…what?

Jeff: Everybody gets … sunk at Christmas? High?

Jason: Every boy gets high on….what?

Jeff: This is definitely going to give me nightmares.

Jason: This song is so fucked up! Every mama does what?

Jeff: Every mama puts off her clothes?

Jason: Every wife gets high on Daddy what? JEFF HOLD ME

Jeff: And now acoustic guitars.

“Spread your legs, it’s Christmastime”?

Jason: Say hi to your mother for me.

Jeff: Hey, the Count just got here!

Jason: It’s your party, it’s your party, it’s your party, IT’S YOUR PARTY

Oh my God. What the hell did I find?

Jeff: I will buy you a box set of this.

Jason: Clarinet? CLARINET?

Jeff: What the hell, why not?

Jason: Christmas songs do not have clarinets. The clarinet belongs to the Jews. Twenty seconds left and I’m waiting for the guy to scream in my ear again.

Jeff: I think maybe we don’t want to know how Fredlostok came by those clarinets, Jason.

Jason: Wait. Wait a minute. After all that…they faded out?


Jason: I just…I don’t know what happened.

Jeff: After all these years, I can’t say this with 100 percent confidence, but that might have been the craziest thing we’ve ever listened to for Mellowmas. Those motherfuckers are insane.

Jason: Your statement just makes me wish for a Fredlostok/Shelley Duvall duet.

Jeff: You are a bad person.

Jason: They could premiere their song at Fredlostok ’15.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m booking Limp Bizkit and pre-ordering a bunch of gasoline.


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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