Jeff: Ugh, Jason. I drank to numb the pain of yesterday’s songs, and now I don’t feel so good.

Jason: That’s funny, because I feel like shit from the pain of yesterday’s songs, and I didn’t drink at all.

Jeff: I think I might have something that can help us both.

Jason: *glares skeptically*

Jeff: Are you ready to dance, Jason?

Are you ready…to do “The Christmas Dance”?

Jason: I feel like I should say no, but you’ve worn me down. So sure, I’m ready to do “The Christmas Dance.” Do I need to wear anything special?

Jeff: Excellent! Put on your reindeer tights.

Jason: Only if you put on your Liberace vest.

Jeff: Oh my God, we’re going to burn this bitch DOWN.

Jason: Ho ho ho!

Jeff: Do the Christmas Dance! Santa has a glitter crown! He also ringalingalings.

Jason: I can’t believe this isn’t by Fred Schneider.

Jeff: …YET.

Jason: I wonder if he’s Santa Claus.

Jeff: Oh good, now he’s singing.

Jason: We can stop the countdown!

Oooh, nice Rudolph shout-out!

Jeff: I feel like Harold Faltermeyer would kick this guy in the nuts if they met.

Jason: I like the creepy “Ahhh!” whispered after he says “I’m Santa Claus.”

Jeff: What’s great about this song is that each verse is totally necessary, because it keeps going new and interesting places.

Jason: Yes. All these chord changes.

Jeff: Don’t forget the new lyrics.

Jason: “Holy Limit”? Who are these people?

Jeff: I feel like that’s a question we should definitely not ask. I do know that this song is available in other languages.

Jason: Well, there’s a Dutch version.

Jeff: There you go! The Dutch are terrible.

Jason: Their album is called Der Weihnachtstanz.

Jeff: It is not.

Jason: You know what I’m wondering, don’t you?

Jeff: What “Der Weihnachtstanz” means?

Jason: Do they cover VERGISSMEINNICHT?

Jeff: *squeals*

Jason: I actually listened to all of the songs. They’re the same song, just in different languages!

Jeff: Yep, “Der Weihnachtstanz” means “The Christmas Dance.”

Jason: And yet I still don’t know what VERGISSMEINNICHT means.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve reached my Holy Limit.

Jeff: Thank Weihnachtstanz! I was afraid you’d want to keep listening to this shit. I’ve gotten my swerve on, I’ve sweated out some of those bourbon toxins from last night, and I’m ready to put this behind us.

Jason: So am I. But also…should we say a few words about the video?

Jeff: This video is a cavalcade of Christmas horror, but I’m not sure I want to ruin any of the surprises for our readers.

Jason: I was just going to say the same thing. I don’t think we need to comment on it. Let’s just let everyone enjoy it on their own.

We hopen dat jullie allemaal genieten van de kerst dans. Gelukkig Mellowmas, fuckers!

Jeff: Dance dance dance everywhere, dear readers! Wear your glitter crown.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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