You think finding a different bad song to write about every week is easy? That there’s no psychological price to be paid for this assignment?  That no harm is done to a man’s soul by voluntarily exposing himself to the worst kind of tripe week after week, and doing so long enough to form coherent thoughts about it?

You think you could do this job? Do you? Do you really?

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That is Farrah Abraham, who is/was one of the stars of MTV’s Teen Mom, although I had never heard of her until a few days ago. “Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom” is a single she released last August, if by “released” we mean “dredged up from a hitherto-uncharted hole in the deepest precinct of Hell.” I suppose one can’t entirely blame Abraham for this. After all, somebody else had to “write” it and “produce” it, if by “write” “and “produce” we mean “arrange to withdraw the protection of a loving God from the planet he created.”

Farrah has apparently released a whole goddamn album, on which are auto-tuned other random vocalizations that occasionally resemble human speech. Go looking for it if you want, don’t go looking for it if you want, I don’t care. I’m going off to pray for my own swift death.

About the Author

J.A. Bartlett

Writer, raconteur, radio geek, beer snob. There's more of this pondwater at

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