If Halfordmas wasn’t enough for you, today we feature more Mellowmas metal (Mellowmetalmas?) — and let’s be honest, today’s artist could probably whup Halford’s ass. Soundly.
Jeff: I have to say, before we begin, that I’m really excited about the fact that this song has “(Explicit)” after its title. I have no idea what you can do to “Run Rudolph Run” to make that necessary, but I’m sure Lemmy is capable, and I’m glad he did it.
Jason: Did you read that story in Rolling Stone on Lemmy?
Jeff: I haven’t read that story, no.
Jason: I didn’t know that much about him beforehand, but now I know that if Ozzy Osbourne says that it’s a miracle that you’re alive, IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! I haven’t listened to this song yet — it didn’t seem necessary at all. Once I saw the words
Jason: I listened to it last week. I remember the explicit part, too.
Jeff: Let’s make some explicit Mellowmas rock, shall we?
Jason: Fudge, yes!
Lemmy — Run Rudolph Run [Explicit] (download)
Jeff: Oh my God, yes.
Jason: Whoa, this track is clipping all over the place. I had to turn my volume waaaay down.
Jeff: That isn’t clipping. That’s Lemmy power.
Jason: What is Lemmy gargling with? He kind of sounds like a Muppet.
Jeff: Holy shit, did Lemmy double his vocals? I sincerely hope that’s two of Lemmy we’re hearing.
Jason: Like I said, I don’t really know from Lemmy. So I’ve never heard him sing before.
Jeff: I’ve heard him “sing.”
Jason: I’m guessing that second vocal is not Lemmy. I’m guessing that’s a guide vocal from his producer.
Jeff: Everything I know about Lemmy suggests he couldn’t be bothered to track a second vocal.
Jason: I’m guessing Lemmy doesn’t know anything about Christmas carols.
Jeff: I’m pretty sure Lemmy isn’t human.
Jason: I mean, from a music standpoint, this is rocking.
Jeff: Hell yes it is!
Jason: It’s well done. Oh shit, here comes Lemmy again. I can smell the alcohol through my computer.
Jeff: He makes Tom Waits sound like Sinatra, doesn’t he?
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! His voice fascinates me.
Jeff: He sounds like a man who has swallowed a silverware drawer.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Doesn’t he have a couple of huge moles on his face? I’m pretty sure they’re in his throat too.
Jeff: I love that this is four minutes long.
Jason: He gargles with motor oil!
Jeff: Lemmy doesn’t wimp out with any of that two-minute crap. TWO guitar solos!
Jason: He’s probably having sex with somebody during the guitar solos. There’s overdubbed hand claps in here, too!
Jeff: That was the producer, trying to clap Lemmy away from sticking his tongue in a power outlet.
Jason: “Merry Christmas, motherfucker!” …and THERE’S your “explicit.”
Jeff: If I tagged my Christmas music the way you do, this song would get five stars.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: I’d give it six if I could.
Jason: Wow! I doubt I’ll listen to it again. I don’t want people running over to my speakers, checking the wires for a loose connection. “Did you spill water on your speakers?”
Jeff: I can’t think of a single Mellowmas track we’ve listened to — and I’m talking over the last three years — that wouldn’t sound better with a little Lemmy.
Jeff: Imagine Lemmy having a Lohan holiday?
Jason: Oh God. I would LOVE that!
Jeff: And I think it goes without saying that Lemmy knows exactly how to give something warm for Christmas.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Lemmy and Shelley Duvall!
Jeff: I think even Lemmy might be scared of Shelley Duvall.
Jason: “Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall, and this is my friend Lemmy….Merry Christmas!” And then Lemmy just bites into her arm like it’s a piece of chicken. And eats it. And one-armed Shelley Duvall is left, singing Christmas carols to already-frightened children.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: Shit. How do we contact Lemmy’s manager? Anybody reading this, do you know how we can get Lemmy to record the theme from Mellowmas?
Jeff: I think you just leave a trail of Jack Daniel’s to the studio.
Jason: I will totally go to the local Costco and just buy it in bulk. I want Lemmy to record a whole Christmas album.
Jeff: But how do we lure Shelley Duvall? Owl droppings?
Jeff: Dammit, now I really want to hear an album of Shelley and Lemmy duets.
Jason: So do I.
Jeff: I want to hear them re-record Streisand and Gibb’s “Guilty.”
Jason: YES. And “Islands in the Stream.” And “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.”
Jeff: They can re-record “Heartbreaker” as “Motherfucker.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Man, what an amazing world this would be if Lemmy was the center of the Christmas holiday.
Jeff: We have so many good ideas and so little money and influence.
Jason: I know. It’s tragic.
Jeff: If someone would just put us in charge of the music business, shit would change.
Jason: Lemmy and Shelley, together at last. They’d sing “Muskrat Love.”
Jeff: Just imagine: Lemmy and Shelley in Santa hats on the cover of a CD. Dozens of copies, sitting on Target endcaps. Children screaming in terror.
Jason: Clawing at the exits.
Jeff: And the tour! Just imagine the tour! Kids could sit on Lemmy’s lap and have their pictures taken!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! “Merry Christmas, motherfucker!”
Jeff: “Here’s your souvenir size bottle of Jack!”
Jason: Lemmy comes out with his own products. “Lemmy’s Egg Nog.” “Caution: contains egg nog, whiskey, and spit.”
Jeff: Oh my God, I was taking a drink when you sent that. My laptop almost contained spit.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Awesome!
Jeff: “Lemmy’s Christmas Fruitcake.” “Caution: contains fruit, whiskey, and pieces of mole.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mole Cake! Better than Soul Cake!
Jeff: Bring it back to Sting!
Jeff: IT’S THE CIRCLE OF MELLOWMAS!
Jason: “Eat this, motherfucker!” As long as we’re dreaming about what we’d do if we ruled the world, I also want Lemmy and Michael McDonald to cover the Bing/Bowie “Little Drummer Boy.”
Jeff: McD’s greatest challenge yet!
Jason: McD starts singing, and after about 15 seconds, Lemmy gets bored and throws something across the room. Or he goes after McD’s wife. “GRRRR! C’mere, Amy Holland!” I want to see James Taylor and Lemmy in a cage match.
Jeff: I want to hear them singing “You’ve Got a Friend.”
Jason: Hee hee hee hee!
Jeff: Lemmy really HAS seen fire and rain.
Jason: Lemmy has given us so much Mellowmas joy today. I couldn’t be more pleased. Lemmy + the image of one-armed Shelley Duvall = Mellowmas perfection.
Jeff: I’m a little sad now.
Jeff: How can the holiday get any better than this?
Jason: I understand your concern. Look on the bright side: when we encounter other Mellowmas tracks, and they suck, we’ll be cheered by the thought of Lemmy appearing on them. They’ll make everything better. Which is better than listening to the next couple of weeks of tracks and, y’know, not thinking about Lemmy on them.
Jeff: I’ll carry your mole with me in my heart, Lemmy.
Jason: Happy Molemas, everybody! Now I know what I’m buying you for Christmas. Fake mole.
Jeff: Can we ask Alan O’Day to record “The Molemas Theme”?
Jason: Molemas comes this time each year when an alcoholic sings and gargles some beer…
Jeff: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Jason: Molemas, molemas, have a merry molemas!
Jeff: This is better than a brand new bike!
Jason: His throat’s all cracked, his vocals are phlegmmy!
Coming down the chimney, it’s Santa Lemmy!
Jeff: “Bend over, motherfucker!”
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Jeff: “Santa Lemmy is here for his cookies and milk!”
Jason: Will it be a sad Christmas after all?
Not if Lemmy eats Shelley Duvall!
I’m going to go find Lemmy’s manager’s number. Clearly we need to be running this man’s career. At least from November through the beginning of January.
Jeff: I think it’s listed under “Contact Us” at the Jack Daniel’s website.
Jason: Very well. I’ll shoot off an e-mail and see if we can get Lemmy to record more Christmas music. At the very least, maybe we can get him the address of the mental facility where Shelley Duvall lives.
Jeff: This is item number one on my grown-up Mellowmas list.
Jason: As it should be for everybody.
Jeff: Every last motherfucking one of us.
Jason: By the way, I will say one thing disappointing about this track. The “explicit” didn’t come until the last line.
Jeff: Yeah, I had been hoping for four minutes of profanity too. But still, this is one hell of a Mellowmas song.
Jason: True. Let’s be thankful for what we have. Because before we know it, we’ll be back to listening to something awful.
Jeff: We should finish this entry with a scary picture of Lemmy.
Jason: It shall be done.