The Fifteenth Day of Mellowmas: Xylophone, Flute, and Jackass

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2014, Music

Not all holiday music compilations are created equal

Jason: So just the other day, we were talking about songs I found last year, but we just didn’t get to covering.

Jeff: I’m never sad when that happens, by the way. Just in case you were wondering.

Jason: Thanks for asking! I wasn’t. Anyway, I found this compilation, Festivus 2. Don’t ask me about Festivus 1. I didn’t look and I’m not planning to now.

Jeff: I hope this is all Kramer soundbites.

Jason: You might be happier if it was all Kramer soundbites. You might even be happier if it included something from Michael Richards’ stand-up act.

Jeff: I have no doubt.

Jason: I’m always excited when a Christmas compilation comes out.

Jeff: Are you? Are you really?

Jason: I loved Nettwerk’s compilations. I also like the stuff that NoiseTrade puts out.

Jeff: The Nettwerk ones were fun, and so were the ones that Warner Bros. put out back in the day. But I think it’s been awhile since someone put together a halfway decent collection of new holiday music.

Jason: Well, good news! Festivus 2? Not halfway decent.

I’m not even saying I got through the whole thing. I’m saying I listened to TRACK ONE and had to stop and think about whether I was going to go further.

Jeff: The longer we talk about this, the less I like where it’s heading.

Jason: Jeff, we’re going to listen to a cover of “Silent Night” by Western Lows.

Jeff: That doesn’t sound so bad.

Jason: Oh, it doesn’t, does it.

Jason: Atmospheric!

Jeff: Oh God. Is this another Bright Eyes song?

Jason: This is what happens when you go to sleep at 4 AM, wake up at 5:30 to record your vocal, but don’t actually get up out of the bed to do it.

The backing isn’t bad, right? Kind of pretty in its own way.

Jeff: Yeah, the backing track doesn’t bother me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what this guy has sounded like since he turned 17 and decided he was too cool to bother.

Jason: So much instrumental. Gives me time to think about the meaninglessness of my life.

Jeff: I’m not fond of the drum machine, but I’d take it over this clown’s singing.

Actually, I’d like to take the drum machine and lodge it in his throat. And then yours.

God, there’s still a minute left!

Jason: Would you wash it first? Otherwise I’d probably come down with some disease. A case of the Western Lows.

Jeff: Symptoms may include a drum machine crammed down your stupid throat!

Jason: I think it’s fading out! But there’s still 20 seconds left! WHY ARE THERE 20 SECONDS LEFT

Jeff: Is this a new Mellowmas fadeout record?

Jason: Well, that’s done.

Jeff: Yeah, that about says it. Fits right into the grand tradition of all the other sad hipster Christmas music we’ve covered.

Jason: I bet that’s probably the most annoying track on the record.

Whoops! Nope!

Jeff: SON OF A WHORE

Jason: “Ho Ho Hos Before Hos.” Ready?

Jeff: SON OF A MELLOWMAS WHORE

I AM GOING TO FEED YOU A GODDAMN DRUM MACHINE

Jeff: Oh good, a xylophone. And a flute. And a jackass.

Jason: Multiple jackasses! Like three! Why doesn’t anybody care about singing in tune anymore?

Jeff: Why don’t you care about ME anymore?

Jason: All in different keys!

Jeff: NO MORE HIGH NOTES, YOU JERKOFFS

I SAID NO MORE HIGH NOTES

Jason: Back when I recorded “12 Items Or Lust (Foxy Checkout Mama),” remember how concerned I was about singing on-key?

Jeff: Gritting my teeth so hard right now.

Jason: Why was I so concerned?

Jeff: So much time still left.

Jason: This is so awful.

Jeff: Humans did this. Other humans released it. Still other humans presumably bought it and listened to it.

Jason: The worst part is that they’re almost trying to sound like they’re properly harmonizing…but Not. Quite.

It’s more confusing than anything else.

Oh man, the harmonies just keep getting worse.

Jeff: They’re not trying to do anything. These pricks wasted hours of studio time that could have gone to perfectly talented people.

Jason: You’re so angry right now.

Jeff: And you! You aided and abetted them. You cockweed.

Jason: I feel like it might be hard for you to go on with your day. Like, any sense of calm or peace you would have had today is ruined.

Jeff: I feel like it might be hard for me to stand up. I feel like I might have had a stroke.

Jason: *leprechaun dance*

*Festivus leprechaun dance*

*Festivus 2 leprechaun dance*