The Fourteenth Day of Mellowmas: Shopping for Jason’s Wife, Part Two

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2014, Music

In which Jeff’s selfless efforts to help Jason find a gift for his wife continue to be met with heartless disdain

Jeff: All right, I admit I was a little off the other day when I thought I’d found a song that might help you figure out a gift for your wife.

Jason: You call that “a little off”? Pretty bad aim, buddy. I can’t believe you impregnated your wife twice.

Jeff: Right back at you! But today I think I might finally have the song you need.

Jason: I don’t trust you any further than I can throw Dave Lifton.

Jeff: Man, I sure would like to see you try to throw Dave Lifton.

Jason: While he’s holding Bob Lefsetz.

Jeff: But even if you don’t trust me, you do trust Gina Naomi Baez, right?

Jason: What’s a Gina Naomi Baez?

Jeff: I don’t know, but she got a “Puppy for Christmas.” Who doesn’t like a puppy for Christmas, Jason?

Jason: Just the other day, Jess texted me with “Let’s get our daughter a puppy.” I believe my response was “Go away.”

Jeff: Gina Naomi Baez is a prophet! The least you can do is let her sing for you.

Jason: I am kind of hoping this song ends with her realizing she forgot to put air holes in the gift box — not that I want to see a dead puppy, but man, that’d be one unexpected twist.

Jason: THE DOG IS NAMED TINKERBELL.

Jeff: *guffaw*

Christmas is here again, Jason. Will you wake up in the morning to find a puppy for Christmas?

Jason: The production values are better than a lot of the stuff we’ve listened to this year, for sure. And her voice is pretty solid.

Jeff: Yes, and the earnestness quotient has been upped about a thousand percent, too. Say what you will about Gina Naomi Baez — she loves her some puppy.

Jason: And some Crest Whitening Strips.

Jeff: Possibly some cocaine as well.

Jason: What is with this naming of different people/dogs with “Belle” at the end?

Jeff: …and names that end in “belle.”

Jason: DID SHE SAY “TITOBELLE”? Because if she did, this song goes on my awesome list.

Jeff: JINGLE BE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E–E-ELL

It isn’t there already?

Jason: There’s a dog out there feeling all alone. Oooh, she went for the high belt.

Jeff: This song is grabbing you by the sweater and singing directly into your face as you politely smile and glance into the middle distance.

Jason: Oh, that laugh at the end. That’s the laugh of someone obsessed with their dog.

Jeff: Yes! And on an intricate blend of anti-psychotic drugs, I’m guessing. That’s the laugh you hear at the end of the ransom voicemail.

Jason: You know what makes me happiest about this song, actually?

Jeff: What makes you happiest, Jason?

Jason: The fact that I am not getting a puppy for Christmas, and you’re already stuck with one.

Jeff: I don’t have a puppy, I have a full-grown Den Pissing Machine. Your day will come.

Jason: Matt Wardlaw is staying at your place?

Jeff: [points at nose, points at you]

Jason: Maybe you should play this song for your family. See what they think. I bet your kids will love it. In fact, they may even ask you for another special gift this year!

Jeff: Whole truck full of nopes! But I *am* going to Gina Naomi Baez’s website to see if I can send her to your daughter’s preschool.

Jason: Not a problem. Just one question: What’s your wife’s e-mail address again? Oh! Nevermind. Found it!

Jeff: nopuppyforchristmas @ jasongofuckyourself.com