The Second Day of Mellowmas: Mistle-No Squared

Jeff: Ho, ho, ho, bitch!

Jason: No, no, no, asshole!

Jeff: Oh, Jason. Don’t be like that. You and I both know you’ve been looking forward to this since last Mellowmas.

Jason: Telling you “no, no, no, asshole”? I do that all the time.

Jeff: Hey, did you get the Mellowmas card I sent you?

Jason: The one with an mp3 attached to it?

Jeff: rubs hands together with glee

Jason: Oh, yes! I recall you sending me this one. What was my response again?

Jeff: I think it was something like “you motherfucking cocksucker,” which I thought was sort of rude.

Jason: It was actually “You motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch.”

Jeff: Right! There you go. Also rude. Especially given the mellow, seductive vibe of the card.


Jeff: There’s a bare shoulder! And a glow. So much glow.

Jason: A really weird bare shoulder, too. Like moths ate part of the shirt sleeve or something.

I think the glow is flop sweat.

Jeff: I believe that’s Mellowmas Mist. Can you smell it?

Jason: It smells like methane.

Jeff: Mixed with rancid borscht.

Jason: There goes lunch!

Jeff: Ahhh, I’ve missed that smell.

Jason: I wonder where that smell originated? Oh, I know!

Jeff: James Brolin’s dirty underpants?

Jason: It must have been the mistletoe.

Barbra Streisand — It Must Have Been the Mistletoe (download)

From Christmas Memories

Jason: Oooh, all pomp-y.

Jeff: Those strings are tasteful!

Jason: Drum machine!

Jeff: Why, hello, Ms. Streisand!

Jason: Why the hell can’t Barbara Streisand spring for a real drummer?

Jeff: I can already hear Dave Lifton moaning softly somewhere.

Jason: I think this season, we shouldn’t mention Dave Lifton. It gives him too much pleasure.

Jeff: This song isn’t fucking around, is it? She’s already way over the top on the first chorus.

Jason: What year is this from?

Jeff: It’s impossible to tell. 1989? 2001? 2250?

Jason: I mean, it’s not bad per se, there’s just too much of everything in it.

Jeff: Holy mackerel is there too much of everything. She’s like Meat Loaf with boobs right now.

The magic in the frosty air that made me love you! Dance with me, Jason.

Jason: I like this comment on the YouTube clip: “I think this version is better than Mandrell’s. “

Jeff: Are you serious? That’s awesome.

Jason: Now I want to see Celebrity Death Match: Streisand v. Mandrell.

Jeff: I kind of want to hear Mandrell’s version now.

Jason: Hair-pulling! Nose-breaking!

Jeff: Glowing!

Jason: Did you say you kind of wanted to hear Mandrell’s version? Because here it is:

Jeff: Is that a Thomas Kinkade painting on the cover?

Jason: The girl on the right, is that her scarf or is she projectile vomiting?

Jeff: Oh, this is just some random picture some YouTube user made.

Jason: Well, still. She looks like a Wii character.

Jeff: With random holiday objects scattered around the snow and what looks like a forest fire raging on the horizon. I just heard Joseph Williams’ voice in my head, screaming about BAAAAAAAARRRRNIN’!

Jason: Well, this has cheaper production, that’s for sure.

Jeff: It’s much more laid back than Babs’ version. And yet, I think those are real drums.

Jason: She sounds kind of manly.

Jeff: On the other hand, she also doesn’t sound like she’s about to cry. Either way, this song is ridiculous. Who does all that on the first chorus?

Jason: YouTube comment: “Nice, but the other Barbra (Streisand) does a much better version.” And sadly, it’s not from the same person.

Jeff: That first chorus really bothers me, in case you hadn’t noticed. It sounds like a big finish.

Jason: I gotta tell you, apparently this is some kind of classic, but I’ve never heard it before.

Jeff: Is that a twinge of regret I hear in your voice?

Jason: Oh GOD, no! This song does nothing for me. Except turn my skin whiter, somehow.

Jeff: Maybe it was that crazy snowball fight.

Jason: The night I fell in love with you?

Jeff: It only took one kiss to know! Barbara Mandrell is a hussy!

Jason: This is kind of our song, I guess.

Jeff: Oh God, she just said something about “that feeling everywhere.” Eww.

Jason: It must have been the Mellowmas, Jeff.

Jeff: Fadeout! FADEOUT! You pussy!

Jason: So, what do you think? Which version are you voting for? Are you Torn Between Two Babses?

Jeff: Woof. It’s hard to choose.

Jason: Loving both of them breaks all the rules, Jeff.

Jeff: I mean, Barbara at least sounds human. But Barbra seems a little more aware of the song’s inherent over-the-top goop factor.

Jason: I love that you’re distinguishing them by the subtle spelling difference in their first names.

Jeff: Mellowmas is the season for stickling!

Jason: This song stickles, for sure. Like dingleberries.

Jeff: I think I’d give the Mandrell version two reindeer sweaters, and give the Streisand version three flaming fruitcakes. Hey, that makes me wonder — has Fred Schneider covered this?

Jason: Okay, I’m stopping this discussion RIGHT NOW.

  • Matt Springer

    oh man that chord change right before the end there is brutal I need to bathe in egg nog to get the mellowmas stench from my hairs STOP THIS PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US 

  • dslifton


  • Chris Holmes

    This video puts the Mandrell version over the top for me:

  • Mike

    I’m ready for the Fred Schneider version now. Thank you very much.

  • jefito

    “Mellowmas stench from my hairs” WILL be a tag at some point.

  • jefito

    Oh my God, I’m cackling right now.

  • dslifton

    Um, I kind of liked that chord change. 

    Hey Jeff, did the Bergmans write this piece of shit? This has that let’s-write-a-song-that-sounds-like-an-Upper-West-Side-romantic-comedy feel about it.

  • Michael Parr

    I have seen the power of Mellowmas. I am a believer. DAMN YOU, GILES!

  • dslifton

    After checking, I see that it was written by Justin Wilde and Doug Konecky, so holy crap, the Bergmans have their own version of Oasis.

  • jefito

    Justin Wilde and Doug Konecky wrote it. Kind of an interesting story behind the song:

  • jefito

    It isn’t my fault your wife knew all the words! #parrfail

  • terje


  • Dennis Corrigan

    I just fired this off in a room full of people – I wish I could bottle the reaction

  • jefito

    The resulting fragrance would, of course, be called “Mellowmas Mist.”

  • Mike Duquette

    Barbra as Meat Loaf with boobs? I kinda thought that, er, Meat Loaf was Meat Loaf with boobs, at this point.

  • jefito

    I edited that joke out of the transcript because I thought it was too easy. *stares at Duquette silently for a few moments*

  • Beau

    So many truck-driver key changes in this one that a transmission shop owner is rubbing his hands in glee.

    Surprised it’s not in the Gear Change Hall of Shame.

  • Anonymous

    You know what holiday song also isn’t in there? Stevie Wonder’s “Someday at Christmas.” There’s a gear change every verse!

  • terje

    But you have to remember that this vehicle is carrying a lot of stash.

  • Michael Burke

    The difference in production values is staggering. To put it in Top-Gear terms (and shouldn’t everything be in Top Gear terms?) Mecha-Streisand is rolling in a Bentley and Mandrell’s Morris Marina is on the side of the road, with a piano on it.

    Mandrell’s enunciation is also weirdly clipped, but that might be a reaction to listening right after I heard Streisand who sounded like she was swimming in syrup. (Maybe that’s too erotic an image for Lifton? That’s right, Lifton mentions in the comments, too.)

    Anyway, this sucks, but it doesn’t Figglehorn/Duvall suck.

  • Anonymous

    Figglehorn/Duvalls don’t happen every day. And as you know, sometimes stuff is actually not bad. Tolerable, even. But that just makes the really awful stuff even more special.

    (I believe Day 5 is particularly awful.)

  • jabartlett

    I have played the Mandrell version on the radio, thereby inflicting it on thousands of people. Of course this website can be accessed by billions around the world, so I don’t feel nearly so guilty now.

  • Tony Billoni

    Meatloaf does have boobs.  This was proved in “Fight Club.”