Jeff: Ho, ho, ho, bitch!

Jason: No, no, no, asshole!

Jeff: Oh, Jason. Don’t be like that. You and I both know you’ve been looking forward to this since last Mellowmas.

Jason: Telling you “no, no, no, asshole”? I do that all the time.

Jeff: Hey, did you get the Mellowmas card I sent you?

Jason: The one with an mp3 attached to it?

Jeff: rubs hands together with glee

Jason: Oh, yes! I recall you sending me this one. What was my response again?

Jeff: I think it was something like “you motherfucking cocksucker,” which I thought was sort of rude.

Jason: It was actually “You motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch.”

Jeff: Right! There you go. Also rude. Especially given the mellow, seductive vibe of the card.


Jeff: There’s a bare shoulder! And a glow. So much glow.

Jason: A really weird bare shoulder, too. Like moths ate part of the shirt sleeve or something.

I think the glow is flop sweat.

Jeff: I believe that’s Mellowmas Mist. Can you smell it?

Jason: It smells like methane.

Jeff: Mixed with rancid borscht.

Jason: There goes lunch!

Jeff: Ahhh, I’ve missed that smell.

Jason: I wonder where that smell originated? Oh, I know!

Jeff: James Brolin’s dirty underpants?

Jason: It must have been the mistletoe.

Barbra Streisand — It Must Have Been the Mistletoe (download)

From Christmas Memories

Jason: Oooh, all pomp-y.

Jeff: Those strings are tasteful!

Jason: Drum machine!

Jeff: Why, hello, Ms. Streisand!

Jason: Why the hell can’t Barbara Streisand spring for a real drummer?

Jeff: I can already hear Dave Lifton moaning softly somewhere.

Jason: I think this season, we shouldn’t mention Dave Lifton. It gives him too much pleasure.

Jeff: This song isn’t fucking around, is it? She’s already way over the top on the first chorus.

Jason: What year is this from?

Jeff: It’s impossible to tell. 1989? 2001? 2250?

Jason: I mean, it’s not bad per se, there’s just too much of everything in it.

Jeff: Holy mackerel is there too much of everything. She’s like Meat Loaf with boobs right now.

The magic in the frosty air that made me love you! Dance with me, Jason.

Jason: I like this comment on the YouTube clip: “I think this version is better than Mandrell’s. ”

Jeff: Are you serious? That’s awesome.

Jason: Now I want to see Celebrity Death Match: Streisand v. Mandrell.

Jeff: I kind of want to hear Mandrell’s version now.

Jason: Hair-pulling! Nose-breaking!

Jeff: Glowing!

Jason: Did you say you kind of wanted to hear Mandrell’s version? Because here it is:

[youtube id=”dXuTBOXTEpg” width=”600″ height=”350″]

Jeff: Is that a Thomas Kinkade painting on the cover?

Jason: The girl on the right, is that her scarf or is she projectile vomiting?

Jeff: Oh, this is just some random picture some YouTube user made.

Jason: Well, still. She looks like a Wii character.

Jeff: With random holiday objects scattered around the snow and what looks like a forest fire raging on the horizon. I just heard Joseph Williams’ voice in my head, screaming about BAAAAAAAARRRRNIN’!

Jason: Well, this has cheaper production, that’s for sure.

Jeff: It’s much more laid back than Babs’ version. And yet, I think those are real drums.

Jason: She sounds kind of manly.

Jeff: On the other hand, she also doesn’t sound like she’s about to cry. Either way, this song is ridiculous. Who does all that on the first chorus?

Jason: YouTube comment: “Nice, but the other Barbra (Streisand) does a much better version.” And sadly, it’s not from the same person.

Jeff: That first chorus really bothers me, in case you hadn’t noticed. It sounds like a big finish.

Jason: I gotta tell you, apparently this is some kind of classic, but I’ve never heard it before.

Jeff: Is that a twinge of regret I hear in your voice?

Jason: Oh GOD, no! This song does nothing for me. Except turn my skin whiter, somehow.

Jeff: Maybe it was that crazy snowball fight.

Jason: The night I fell in love with you?

Jeff: It only took one kiss to know! Barbara Mandrell is a hussy!

Jason: This is kind of our song, I guess.

Jeff: Oh God, she just said something about “that feeling everywhere.” Eww.

Jason: It must have been the Mellowmas, Jeff.

Jeff: Fadeout! FADEOUT! You pussy!

Jason: So, what do you think? Which version are you voting for? Are you Torn Between Two Babses?

Jeff: Woof. It’s hard to choose.

Jason: Loving both of them breaks all the rules, Jeff.

Jeff: I mean, Barbara at least sounds human. But Barbra seems a little more aware of the song’s inherent over-the-top goop factor.

Jason: I love that you’re distinguishing them by the subtle spelling difference in their first names.

Jeff: Mellowmas is the season for stickling!

Jason: This song stickles, for sure. Like dingleberries.

Jeff: I think I’d give the Mandrell version two reindeer sweaters, and give the Streisand version three flaming fruitcakes. Hey, that makes me wonder — has Fred Schneider covered this?

Jason: Okay, I’m stopping this discussion RIGHT NOW.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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