The Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas: Unrest for Melancholy Men

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music

Jason: You know what I love? A press release for an album that includes the word “vomits.”

Jeff: Okay, that’s all I needed to hear. See you on December 26!

Jason: Come back here. You know you aren’t allowed to leave at this point.

Jeff: But “vomits.”


Jeff: …equals “vomits.” You win.

Jason: *death metal leprechaun dance*

Jeff: Oh, death metal? Why didn’t you say so?

Jason: ….that changes things for you?

Jason: Ha ha ha! I forgot about that!

“Just in time for the holiday season, Hate Eternal bass maverick J.J. Hrubovcak vomits forth Death Metal Christmas – Hellish Renditions Of Christmas Classics, a twistedly unholy rendition of some of the seasons darkest hymns.”

Wait, didn’t we cover Susan Boyle yesterday?

Jeff: *rimshot*

Jason: Thank you! Try the eggnog!

Jeff: I’ve never heard of Hate Eternal or J.J. Hrubovcak, but I have no doubt this is absolutely what we need right now.

Jason: “Far from a campy holiday metal record, Christmas – Hellish Renditions Of Christmas Classics comes replete with updated arrangements, blast beats, double bass drum battery…” Doesn’t this sound like an SNL Stefon sketch?

Jeff: YES!

Jason: My guess is that the actual tracks don’t “sound” like anything we’ve heard in a while.

Jeff: Does this album also have the human R2-D2?

Jason: Oh, I’m sure there’s someone midget-sized somewhere.

Jeff: I hope this sounds like Gary Hoey’s Christmas records. I like those.

Jason: Those are great! I’m guessing this is nothing like any of those records. I do like how Hrubovcak puts his own spin on some of these titles. “O Come, O Come, Azrael (O Come, O Come, Emmanuel)”

Jeff: As long as none of them end in “(feat. Kermit),” I’m cool.

Jason: “Unrest For Melancholy Men (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen).” That sounds good — and applicable for you and me.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Jason and Jeff in unison: WHOA.

Jason: OH YES.

I mean, I think. I don’t know.

Jeff: J.J. Hrubovcak isn’t fucking around!



Jeff: *claws earbuds out, turns on all lights in the house*

Jason: Remember the guy in the Maxell commercial with his hair blown back? That’s me right now.

Jeff: Cookie Monster has never sounded so horrifying.

Jason: This guy sounds like he ATE Cookie Monster.

Jeff: This is like a really angry Tuvan monk.

Jason: Oh good, the drums are taking a little breathe — wait, that’s over.

Jeff: Oh, you mean that little half-second pause? Yeah, that was a nice touch. Solo!

Jason: Is that what it is?

Jeff: Or something.

Jason: I’m waiting for the guest vocal from Judy Collins.

Jeff: This sounds like Yngwie Malmsteen trapped in a cage with that gorilla that used to beat the shit out of the suitcase in the luggage commercials.

Jason: So much anger in J.J., Jeff. We should send him flowers.

Jeff: We should hook him up with Wintley Phipps! Those two would sound amazing together.

Jason: Which one? Carnie?

Jeff: They can cover “VERGISSMEINNICHT” as a duet! (feat. Elvis Presley)

Jason: Well, my ears hurt. How about yours?

Jeff: Yes, but I also feel cleansed somehow.

Jason: I will give you $20 if you wake your son up tomorrow with this song. He’ll never act up again! He’ll also never sleep again, but what are you gonna do.

Jeff: I’ll do that for free. It’d serve him right.

I feel like this may have been a Mellowmas turning point. I was feeling worn out before, but J.J. Hrubovcak has given me new strength.

Jason: Wow! I’m impressed. We’ll see how you feel tomorrow. I feel like more vomit is on the horizon.

Jeff: If he can make it through recording the vocals for that song, I can sit here and take whatever awfulness the rest of the month has in store. Thank you, J.J.! Please don’t hurt me. I liked your nice song. Jason was the one who didn’t.

Jason: Sweet! Checking to see if Shelley Duvall has released anything lately.

Jeff: I’m looking up your address so I can give it to J.J. Hrubovcak.

Jason: I hate you.

Jeff: I feel like he might be living in my neighbor’s creepy shed, and I need to throw him off my trail.

Jason: Sure, send him to Queens! It’ll serve him right.

Hang on, there’s apparently a story behind this album.

“At this point, Azrael is fully self-actualized and carries out acts of suffering and death throughout the world in a way never before witnessed by mankind.”

I’m just going to let that sit there for a little bit.

Jeff: Azrael, Mellowmas mascot.

Jason: All hail Azrael!